to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

Poor kid. Neither parent can be bothered to go to parents evening.

I think you should go because it can be a space to discuss other issues and “my child finds this boring” is not a good enough reason not to spend an evening doing something but you weren’t unreasonable in what you said to your ex, you were spot on.

Yeah poor kid missing out on being dragged round school for 2 hours when she doesn't need to be 🙄

I’m totally with you, especially as your dd feels the same. I went to all the parents evenings and would get the same feedback you're getting (my ex didn’t go to a single one), but they would give me blinding headaches by the end of the evening, I think it was all the waiting around and bright lights. If your dd wasn’t in agreement I would say still go (if ex wouldn't). He’s got a damn nerve though hasn’t he! I’d just ignore him from now on regarding his parent’s evening queries.

100000% agree with you. I have 3 kids. I do all the parents eve. Last one was for my youngest.... he's also choosing options and does well at school. I had forgotten this was the sales pitch one. Complete waste of time. 'Yes he does well, yes he should do my gcse' at least ours are online which works well but my kids don't sit in as sometimes I'm at work doing them.

You're right that he should take it in turns to go, but you're wrong to have planned on no one going. Asking your daughter was very unfair, of course she told you what you wanted to hear.

Even if she isn't fussed about it now, do you want the risk of her realising when she's older how crappy it was of you? There's many things my parents didn't bother with that didn't upset me when I was younger but now I look back as an adult and realise they should have made more effort with even if I said it was OK not to.

I think one of you should go. It’s his turn. We generally take turns but don’t both go.

Does she need to go? I never attended parents evening. My parents always went without me.

Wouldn't she be required to take one of the humanities anyway?

18 times a year. Really? You would love to hear 18 times a year 10 teachers say the same thing about your child?

OP I hate parents evening it's so long and dull and I get told exactly the same thing about each child (we have 4). It's boring if it's positive and boring if it's negative (we have a mix of both).

I suspect your ex feels emasculated by virtue of being the lower earner and having lost his job for a reason which tells everyone in the know that he's a bit of a pathetic arsehole. So it's a case of grabbing any stick to beat you with, without thinking it through properly.

Why is this turning into a race to the bottom? A competition to point the finger at who is the shittiest parent? If that’s what we’re doing, you’re both being bad parents in this situation, and he is worse. Congratulations???

And if your daughter didn't want to sit there and hates the whole thing? You'd be pretty selfish to make her so you can preen about being the perfect parent (while clearly putting yourself before your kid)

And we are told on MN that a ton of kids still means the children get plenty of parental attention. Go to parents evening, if she hates it she doesn't have to go, but you should go. And you should want to go.

Absolutely he should make his own appointments. However I think you should both go as you don't know for sure what you'll be told until you get there, do you? If it feels a waste of time, why not steer the meeting in a direction that would be useful with some questions? There must be some things you'd like to know more about. And even if it is just ten minutes of positive feedback that's good to hear, for DD too, even if she can't be bothered either.

I would say YABU for that ridiculously tame message you sent him. You owe him nothing now, put him in his fucking box.

Some people really don't understand that in some schools the kid has to go to. It's not that difficult a concept.

Not making your child regular do a pointless thing they hate does not mean they're not getting enough attention. It means the exact opposite.

DD doesn't have to go. But I'd be strongly encouraging it. Anyone who is so exceptional there is nothing but comments of that nature needs to get used to handling positive feedback with grace and without embarrassment. She's not going to be able to refuse her appraisals because her boss says nice things, is she? Handling positive feedback is a life skill, both in the moment and so it can be processed as something constructive.

@OrangeYaGlad no I don't get that, and it's hardly something a school can enforce, the response to the daughter not wanting to go to parents evening is hardly to just not bother going at all, I'm sure school would rather someone was there rather than no one at all.

Someone needs to go. I hope you're sure that your dd isn't feeling like nobody can be bothered because she's the last in the family line.

I think you/someone should go.

Even if your child is appearing to be doing well there is more than academic prowess.

It's a sign to your child that you are taking an interest, even if the 'agree' that you needn't go.

Sometimes other matters crop up in that short conversation. As well as meeting teachers most I've been involved with also have stands from 6th form colleges, careers etc.

It's also a chance to see other parents as the primary school gate society dies post Y6.

I get it. My fourth is doing GCSE’s now and I’m fed up with the parent evening thing at this point. I missed the one in Autumn term, the only one I’ve ever missed but did go to the one a couple weeks ago as it was the last one before GCSEs start. I can’t say I’m sorry it’s almost over after 25 years of doing the school system. And when you’re a single parent you don’t get a respite from having to juggle stuff about to go. I also have a child who is quiet and doing ok. She isn’t a problem and just gets on with it so they often don’t have much to say other than she needs to contribute more and speak up. But that’s been same since reception class! She’s naturally quiet and introverted.

I hated parents evenings as a child. I did well in school but hated everything about it. If my parents had said they had to skip the occasional one, I’d have been delighted.

On topic: OP, if he’s never been to one he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Ignore him. You aren’t the unreasonable one here.

I voted YABU.
Kids say all sorts to placate parents and avoid unwanted situations. I wouldn’t ’not go’ because my child agreed it was a waste of time. It’s important to show up for your kids. All of them. For the good, the bad and the ugly.

The issue with your ex’s refusal to attend is a You and Ex issue. Don’t let your child fall between the cracks there.
I’d go. And express huge pride that your DD is still performing consistently brilliantly! A lot of parents would love to be in that position. Don’t take it for granted and be there for your child so she and her teachers/the school know you care and support her.

Just MHO.

Until the exam years I often found with my 2 also high achieving girls that half the teachers actively would not see me so I would end up sitting around the school hall for ages before being told she was doing great in a subject she actively loathed and couldn’t wait to drop.

so long as your dd is happy, crack on and ignore your ex