to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

Good on you for telling him straight. What a hypocrite he is. As long as your daughter is fine with you not going then great!

You are absolutely reasonable! I’d only reply passive agressive deflections ‘it’s a shame you don’t care enough about dd to go to a single parents evening ever. I wish you realised she’s such a lovely girl and very talented. Her teachers will tell you that if you can ever be bothered to go.’
’I agree parents nights are important and you really should go to one. Gcse choice year seems a perfect time to show you care and go to your first parents night.’

‘it’s ok I’ve told dd you refuse to go, in case you were worried about telling her yourself’

we have five children.my husband has never been to our kids parents evenings.all of our do really well at school.to me it important to go,disappointed my husband doesn’t go,but even more-so important to go.my parents never went to any of mine.even though my kids do well they like to know i am going.

But what if the daughter genuinely doesn’t want to go? This is a GCSE options evening, which she has already chosen.

OP keep the time slot but do something of your dd’s choosing. So she still gets your time, but you will both have a better evening.

Parents evening =/= mothers evening!

"Okay ex, I'm a shitty parent for not going. So are you going instead or are you admitting to being a shitty parent too?"

I know you've already dealt with him but my god the hypocrisy makes my blood boil.

This is not your problem. He can go if he wants, do not engage on this. It is not your problem to manage his appointments or whether he goes to the parents evening, just ignore anything more on it.

I go to my kid's ones which are a similar experience (they do it a bit differently - it's a big hall with the teachers sat around the edge, no appointments, you just join queues for 2 hours to talk to people). I spend a couple of hours, with a coffee, having teachers telling me my son's lovely and doing well, and I go home with a big grin and glowing pride, I can't deny it. I use it to lift me up a bit because a lot of being a single mum is otherwise a bit shit.

And to show my face so the teachers know that I am engaged (DS doesn't really like me talking to his school otherwise! So if I don't go, I don't find out anything at all)

But if you and your daughter have decided you don't need to go, if she's doing well, and you have plenty of other contact with the school, and it's not even her GCSE years yet, then there is no reason you can't skip it! Enjoy your evening instead.

Youngest or eldest, you should treat them all the same.

I was the sixth, parents also had done enough parenting by the time they got to me.

I was “good”, so parents evening was ignored.

I think you are both BU, by not going.

If they are usually once a year, but every term in GCSE year, I’d imagine that’s because the school want to meet every parent at least once in GCSE year. Not because they want to meet the keen ones three times. And you went to the last one so you’re good!

I hate parents evenings. The tables are too close so you can almost strain to hear what is being said at next table. Only slightly outdone by show your parents your school books morning, cue 36 parents trying to cram into a class room, all the while nodding and making thumbs up signs at their kids exercise books. Pointless…

You are def not being unreasonable @PyongyangKipperbang

I think parents evenings in their current guise are a waste of time for high performing kids too.

Your ex is OOO who does he think he is ordering you about. Good you stood up to him.

I'd probably call the school say her father should be making the appointment this time.

Christ, the OP did not ask if she was being unreasonable not to go but about her exes behaviour. OP I teach secondary and completely understand and appreciate parents who make a conscious decision not to attend when all is great and there is no real info to pass on. It means I have a little more time with those whose situations are nuanced and I can give plenty of praise during lessons and feedback to the ones who are flying along.
As to your ex, I have v similar. My kids are struggling with ND and EBSA and he has plenty to say about my handling of it but is unprepared to actually dig in, make some changes to his life and be there to actively help. It's utterly infuriating and you can only do as others have suggested and call him out on not going himself. It does not require a vagina to make the appointments 🙄

Been sacked from a job and a marriage for not treating women’s refusals with respect, and now the way he’s still trying to control you. I applaud your firmness OP, but I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my daughter’s GCSE choices.

Of course yanbu! If he thinks it’s so important, he can go. You shouldn’t be having contact with an abusive ex: surely the dc are all old enough to have phones/make their own arrangements? Leave them to it.

‘Your poor daughter’ who agrees that they’re a waste of time ?

I don't think you should be consulting your GCSE-age DD about whether or not she thinks you need to go to her parents evening.

A parent should go, whichever one of you it is, even if she is doing well.

Obviously if he has never been then he shouldn't be pressuring you and complaining - he needs to step up and go to one.

But, YABU to disregard it and consider it unimportant.

Completely ok. I’d tally the amount you’ve done 70 parents evenings now, maybe you can experience your first one before they stop completely

If it's important enough for you to go it's important enough for him to go. Can't have it both ways.

YANBU.. No need to go. Your reply to your ex was perfect.

I didn’t go for the last 2 years for all my kids. And they were online!

I actually think teachers appreciate skipping the parents for whom there is little benefit.

You don't need to go! I remember finally convincing my mum (probably in 6th form) not to go. She said to me recently that she liked going because she got to hear nice things about me. You basically know what they will say! Don't go and let ex go if he wants!

I say this as a parent who is very engaged in education and supporting my children's learning at home. My eldest is only 9 but already I can predict what they will say! (I definitely still go now for clarity).

Yes, let’s skip over Dad’s hypocrisy, ignore the fact that he’s checked out of any responsibility in this respect, and go straight to guilting Mum because she doesn’t see any point in sitting for hours waiting to be seen when everything is fine, and DD doesn’t want her to go anyway. At no point did OP say she can’t be arsed going. She said she’s in regular contact with the school and doesn’t see the need when she’s already up to date. And FYI she didn’t ask for a critique of her parenting skills, she asked whether she was right to tell her ex that if parents evening is so important to him, then he can go himself. That’s all.

If he thinks it's so important, he can do it or shut the fuck up!

As for, "why wouldn't you want to listen to teacher praise your child for half an hour", type responses. That's not about the child, that's about massaging mummy's ego. Maybe, OP isn't seeking other people's approval with a "good job mum".

You're doing the right thing OP. If your DD is top set and has no issues with her work then it's definitely not crucial to go every term. As long as you attend one or two, that should suffice. You've already explained that your DD doesn't want to go, and has already chosen her GCSE subjects. BTW, good choices too.

You've also said you already have lots of contact with the school for other reasons, so nothing stopping the school speaking to you if they had any concerns.

Your ex is a twat. If he has another go about attending, ask him why exactly it's YOUR job to attend, as you're only one of her parents. Selfish, misogynistic pig!

I have a high performing kid too. Just done parents evening, biggest waste of time ever. He also couldn’t give a shit if we go or not, because guess what, not all kids are total snowflakes who cry if their parents don’t go to ONE parents evening. You aren’t checking out of parenting all together, you aren’t missing them getting an award, it’s one parents evening that your daughter doesn’t even want you to go to. I cannot believe you are getting shit over that

As a parent to a child who did really well all through school. The teachers don't really want to see us. They have a finite amount of time slots and need to spend their time on the parents of the kids who aren't doing as well.
We would get polite, works well, these are their expected levels,could do with a few more like him, polite giggles and off to the next one.
It got to a point where we would sit down and reel it off to the teachers before they could say anything.
Only go if there's something you need to talk about with the teachers.