to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

It really really doesn't. There's so much projection and generalised assumptions on this thread. Every family / child / school is different. It's irrelevant what happens at your school or what you or your kid think about parents evening. This is about the ex berating the OP for something he isn't prepared to do himself and most responses have totally ignored that.

Well, conformity is not always relevant or desirable.
It's not really a 'powerful message' either, to not go to parents evening.
I personally find parents evening a waste of time.
Although, I never even went to my gcse ceremony nor did any homework.
Still manage to build a successful high paying career on my own terms.
If you strive to conform then you will never push boundaries. The best of human inventions and progression are created by non conformists. Imagine if Einstein had conformed. His ability to question the conventional led to his scientific breakthroughs. What about Marie Curie, Alan Turing, Galileo and more.
I think OP not attending parents evening is a valid lesson in creating efficiency. Why have a 2 hour meeting when it could have been an email. Op has all the relevant information she needs to make decisions for her daughter. She won't dind out anything she doesnt already know. If the ex is bothered, he can go.

I’m the youngest of 5 I’ve had no ill effects from my mother being over parent/teacher nights and not attending all. She was there when I needed her

Im
pleased for you, as the youngest of six this was not my experience.

Yup

Well then you're not trying. In some schools, the child has to go. The teacher doesn't see you without the child,so obviously it is something they can very easily enforce.

I'm continually amazed by how so many grown adults on MN simply can't understand that other people's experiences are different from theirs. Even just on this thread, all.those saying "I'd want to.go, so you're unreasonable not to", or completely failing to comprehend that it might not be useful to someone, because you find it so.

Such rigid, childlike thinking.

I was reflecting the post I was responding to phrasing. I think judge before you conform is one of THE most important messages you can send a young person.

You should absolutely call him out on his sheer hypocrisy. How dare he berate and scold you for not going to parents' evening this one time when he never attended himself.

He obviously has a great opinion of himself for someone who is an utterly crap father who was sacked for sexual harassment.

Now your children are older, do you even need to keep in touch with him? I would be tempted to block him.

Ohh apologies due then. Clearly I am not conforming to reading all previous posts :)
Judge before you conform is a great mantra!

Definitely agree with this. So many comments that reflect that way of thinking..one pp says "surely they have to do a humanities subject"..does it not occur to them that different schools have different policies? Just upthread there are two posters giving their experience/ reaction to their parents not attending. Opposite reaction to each other but both valid in themselves. It shouldn't be difficult to comprehend but seems like it is for many 😕

Email the school and explain you and daughter wont be able to make it for whatever reason. Say you're visiting family or something. Request that the teachers email you a very brief summary of the meeting and raise any concerns they may have. All teachers will have parents evening notes prepared which they can simply edit to be parent-facing and send over. It'll likely be more of the same positivity.
From working with teachers, I know they'll likely be thankful to not have to sit in front of another parent that night and sending an email will be preferred. Teachers hate parents evening.
Then, take your daughter on a nice night out together, for dinner or an activity?
Explain to DP that you'll be receiving the communication via email and use the evening to spend quality time together instead.

All the more reason to go and back her up and ask the history / geography teachers to stop pressuring her.

it’s half an hour once a term. What if all isn’t well and she’s hiding issues from you?

to me school is a black box and I take any and every opportunity to get exposure to that part of my kids lives.

just because your ex is disengaged doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. It’s not a race to the bottom.

@Rubyrhi123 don’t put more load on the poor teachers

No additional load. I've got an education degree, I'm doing my teacher training and I'm a TA.
Parents evenings are one of the most stressful times of year for teachers. If it was the parents' choice, I'd much prefer to send over a quick email instead of having to sit in front of another parent in a long line of them.
'sorry to hear you can't make it. All is well, your daughter's predicted grades are XYZ and she could participate in class a bit more. Please find attached my notes and contact me in future if you need anything etc'
When I was a teenager 10 years ago, all parents would be given a note from the teachers anyway with what was covered in the meeting. We'd also have termly reports.

You might have an education degree but you’re thinking of it from ONE teachers perspective if ONE child and missing all the critical admin work that enables this. Who’s going to manage the list of children whose parents have requested written feedback. Who’s going to then reach out to each and every teacher with their specific list to them, who’s going to collate the feedback for each child across multiple teachers, who’s going to chase the teachers who haven’t done everyone on their list, etc etc.

Sounds like my ex 🤣🤣 the only contribution he makes to the upbringing of our children is telling me what a bad job I’m doing from the sidelines.
if he sees it as important he should definitely go of course.

I have just been to my daughter’s GCSE options evening and it was poor. She already picked what she wanted to do and it was a total waste of time.

I caught a friend leaving the “presentation” to ask if it was worthwhile and she said it was a teacher reading out the booklet that got sent home about a month ago, so we left at that point.

Her parents evenings have all been online which has worked really well. I totally understand if you don’t think you’re getting anything from it though.

You should go to parents evening.
if you hadn’t planned to because you have an important clash then you should have told your daughters father.

your daughter will know you haven’t gone. that will say something to her.
that she doesn’t matter.
and it says something to the teacher.
that your kid doesn’t matter.

loads of the stuff we need to do in life is boring.

My ND dd hates parents evening. Because of her SEN input I speak to the school frequently.
Your ex h sounds like a total dickhead.

termly parents evening is bananas, if shes chosen her subjects, you’re in contact with her HOY and she doesn’t want to do it, dont make her! This is coming from a teacher of ten years too,

If you not going on this one occasion makes you, by his reasoning, a bad mother who doesn’t care about her child, what does that say about him, who has never been, as a dad?! Turn it back on him. What a prick he is.

YANBU at all.

My child isn’t at school age yet but DH and his ex-w go to every parent’s evening together for their child. However if DH ex-w couldn’t go for whatever reason, he would go alone and feedback anything to his ex-w. It is or should be a role of equal responsibility.

He is such an arseh9le.

Honestly, they really show their true colours after breakups, don't they?

My FIL is such an absolute w4nker.

Apologies for the rude language

Once a term is massive overkill. It doesn't sound great for the teachers.

My parents said that the most interesting part of parents evening was overhearing the conversations with parents whose children weren't just doing well.

this nasty swearing and reaction sounds awful I'd hang up