to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

It depends on whether DD has to attend. In some schools it’s compulsory. DD is ND and l don’t think anyone here is qualified to critique OP’s parenting choices unless they are a lot more familiar with the situation than are randoms on the internet.

You didn’t ‘comment’ you wrote several diatribes demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the issues, critiquing her parenting skills (not to mention her language) and supporting her abusive ex’s viewpoint. To the point where you were deleted for it.

My ex was always like this. I would help DS with homework as needed/make sure he got to school on time, you get it, all the usuals. It all went fine 95% or more of the time but maybe once or twice a term there would be a reminder that DS had forgotten his homework or PE kit. My ex would go MENTAL!! This was despite never once offering to come over and help with homework/pack school bag etc. There was never any thanks for all the times it went perfectly fine, just criticism for the small minority of times it went wrong. I thought it said more about him than me actually 🤷‍♀️

No, she has fortnightly meetings about her daughter’s SEN issues. Academic meetings with teachers are different from SEN meetings with a HOY or SEND co-ordinator.
I agree with others who say go to the parents’ evening and celebrate her success. It’s even more important to do so when a child has SEN.

The answer to the OPs original question is clear. Her ex has never shown an interest so gets no say in matters and should back off.

I asked this question upthread. Still haven’t had an answer beyond ‘parents would be horrified at the thought of governors discussing their children’, which as a disability outreach worker for many years, is not my experience, and not what l was getting at. I would expect anyone on the board of governors to broadly understand ND as well as other disabilities/conditions catered for by the school. I didn’t mean child specific, but in general how on earth can governors have effective input if they don’t understand the broad needs of those attending.

The thing is, few children fit neatly into particular categories. Many children with SEN have comorbidities, and as the most frequently occurring learning difficulties are ASD and ADHD, many children with SEN include some degree of neurodivergence in the mix. If anything, we have more specialist schools now - 20 years ago there was a greater prevalence of "one size fits all" schools for children with moderate learning difficulties or severe learning difficulties.

My concern about your vocabulary was mostly around the fact that you chose to characterise SEN as a disease. Very few SEN are caused by disease. I wasn't "jumping on you", I was expressing doubt about your claimed experience as a governor which just isn't consistent with your lack of basic knowledge of SEN.

For what it's worth, no, having an ND child does not automatically lead to eligibility for benefits. There are loads of ND adults functioning perfectly successfully in society, in fact their neurodiversity may well give them strengths in particular fields over and above others. Again, it's extraordinary that you do not know this. I know they're fictional, but have you never watched programmes like "Ludwig" and "Patience" and realised that the main protagonists were ND? There are a number of other public figures who are generally acknowledged to be on the spectrum, so it's obviously no bar to considerable success.

Nope. This is what OP said in an update:

If I was tired of parenting I wouldnt have had 6 kids! I can be arsed for the important stuff, such as the fortnightly catch ups with her HOY as she is in a program to help her confidence due to ND. It was me pushing in the first place that got her on the program. Because of that, I probably know more than most parents about her work and social development.

Updates are not just about SEND issues, OP has clearly said she’s fully up to date on both DD’s work and social development. And if you read back, OP has already said that DD is clear on what she wants and has made her GCSE choices, which OP supports. Because DD is gifted other teachers are putting pressure on for her to study their subjects - not hard to see why. Avoiding the parents’ evening avoids pressure that DD doesn’t need at this point. And as l said upthread, OP is parenting a child with ND. What works for one person, doesn’t for another, so none of us are in a position to judge. And actually, we weren’t asked to.

Why on earth are you commenting when you clearly haven't bothered to read OP's posts which have answered your question more than once? It's just bizarre.

I didn’t mean child specific, l meant a broad understanding of disability. Which you don’t seem to have if you’re only now discovering ND and have drawn the conclusion that people who come under the umbrella term are never going to be able to work. And your insinuation that the increase in ND diagnosis is somehow linked to eligibility for disability benefits hasn’t gone unnoticed either - I see you 👀.

👏👏👏. So well said.

I think you're a rock star op.

I have no idea why some posters aren't able to read your posts and think you missing one of the extra parents evenings that your DD doesn't want you to attend is neglect!
I'm ND, one of 5 and also have taught in the senior school so feel reasonably well qualified to post.
The parents who turn up at parents evening are never the ones you actually need to see!

Thank goodness your ex is an ex, he sounds utterly ridiculous.

I responded because they completely failed to grasp the situation, and like many posters, including yourself, tried to turn the OP to suit their own narrative by answering a question OP didn’t ask.

Why did you respond to any of the posts you have ? And why are you trying to police a public forum ? First objecting to bad language, then demanding posters explain why they are responding to others. Where will it end ? You don’t seem to have grasped the concept of MN.

As most others have said, one of you should go. The main issue here is that he believes it's woman's work to make appointments and attend these. So yanbu to tell him to attend.

OP didn’t ask whether one of them should go though - and she’s explained her reasons for not going, ad nauseam.

The issue is not whether her ex believes it’s woman’s work to go to these events. It’s that he’s a coercive, controlling arsehole whose verbal abuse and physical violence ended their marriage, and yet he still thinks OP should obey him without question while he does as he likes, and resorts to verbal abuse and threats if she defies him. OP didn’t ’tell him to attend’. She told him that if he thought it was so important he should go himself - which he has never done, but which he uses as another form of attempted control.

OP has a child with him. He has access and parental rights. From time to time she has to have contact with him concerning that child. And each time he uses it to try to control. These are the issues.

If you read updates from OP she confirms that she does discuss her daughter’s progress in these meetings. What she says in response to another poster is:

You should go to parents evening.
Why, when thanks to my regular catch ups with her HOY, I know all the information that would be given at the parents evening?

You won't agree with me, but for the OP to say her X was so afraid of her he 'cowered behind a door' when she dropped off DD is nasty. Did he just want to avoid another row?

If you had any understanding of coercive controlling bullies, you would know that in general they are also cowards. The reason he was cowering behind the door is the same reason he cowers behind a phone when he’s dishing out abuse, and the same reason he will physically and verbally abuse a woman but wouldn’t dare do the same to another man. Cowardice. Why is this such a hard concept for you to get your head around ?

Which is why I advised her not to respond to him again. Why was I wrong?

And now you are blaming mums for their children having neurodiversity. Can you really now see how offensive you are being?

Neurodiversity diagnosis rates have increased in the last 50 years because there is a lot more being spotted and not just swept under the carpet as ‘problem children’ (your words). There is no evidence that there is an actual increase in the conditions just an increase in diagnosis.

You are such a nasty bigot. Here you are on your victim blaming again.

These conditions did exist before 2000, but now we have greater understanding and more clinicians who can make the diagnosis. It’s a good thing if we can get support where it is needed and not just label them as problem or naughty children

If you’re going to give an opinion at least make it informed instead of coming from your own nasty bigoted prejudices

@llizzie You literally didn't even know what neurodiversity was until a couple of days ago and you now feel qualified enough to lecture mums who have children with SEN?

You think that there were no children with SEN before 2000? No autism? No ADHD?

You are actually blaming mums with SEN kids for not doing anything about why their children have these conditions? You need to go on the Mumsnet SEN boards to educate yourself about the heartbreaking struggles that some mums go through to get help and support for their SEN kids, particularly in relation to their education. Your ignorant and ill-informed views are an insult to the parents of these children.

Your ignorance and lack of empathy and self-awareness are off the scale. Your views actually disgust me.

OP: I agree with you entirely. Your DH should step up if he’s so bothered and I think you know enough about your daughter and her school to decide whether or not it’s important to go to a particular parents’ evening - particularly given that you are in regular contact with the school and the sessions are termly this year.

Sorry that your thread has been derailed by @llizzie who seems to have several screws loose. But I think you’ve handled him/her magnificently.

And your time would be better spent off Mumsnet and taking your nasty bigoted and ableist opinions somewhere else. It’s only a few posts ago that you were insinuating that diagnosis was linked to disability benefits. Of course these conditions existed before 2000, they just weren’t recognised as such and children were left to get on with it. Have a look at how many middle aged women who have always known they were on the spectrum are now finally being diagnosed. The incidence of ND isn’t increasing, it was always there. It just wasn’t recognised. The tools now exist to identify it, so there is more diagnosis.

You didn’t know ND existed until a few days ago. You think googling a bit makes you an expert, and in a position to come here and lecture and belittle people who are living with it every day ? You claim to have been on the board of governors more than one special school, and yet you know nothing of the struggles parents have to get a diagnosis and appropriate provision for their children, or how LAs will stall with EHCPs.

My time on here is well spent if it’s challenging the narrow, ignorant and ableist crap spouted by people like you.

@MNHQ it might be time to get @llizzie off this thread now. What a total derailment and they are clearly on the wind up - saying ND didn't exist before 2000. Please. People come here for help and this person is just totally derailing this thread.

I think the OP cmade it clear that your small minded opinion didn’t matter to her. I have read your posts and you seem to have something wrong with you