to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

My kids did well at school but I always went to every single parent’s evening, I think you should go.

I was in that exact position.

I did exactly as you did.

XH never went. Another thing for DD to add to her "he's a twat" list.

Why hasnt he been to any parent evenings himself. Lazy sod. You are in the right here. If there were any issues then school would call you.
Parents evening is ridiculous anyway, you get 5 minutes so you cant even have a decent conversarion about anything anyway. If he ever went he would know this.

Completely get your reasons for not going and your ex is an arse no question. The only point I'd make is why miss this one out of all the others when it concerns GCSE options? Even though she's picked her options, further advice/ insight/ discussion might be useful.

Please, stop with the "poor dd" stuff.

She is the last one left at home and gets all of my time she isnt some poor neglected "bottom of the heap" little scrap. I am not going to parents evening because neither of us feel it would in anyway beneficial and I am confident that DD isnt saying what I want to hear, I know my daughter.

My issue isnt with my decision to not go, but with my ex being an arsehole about it.

Re GCSE Options, the special evening for that is at the end of this month, another sales pitch, but yes we will be going despite her already having made her choices.

Mine always came with me, the school expected their attendance (independent school so was probably stricter about these things). In fact I think they had to stay after school and parents just met them there.

She is the last one left at home and gets all of my time she isnt some poor neglected "bottom of the heap" little scrap.

Sounds like you're exhausted after going through this 6 times and just can't be arsed at this point. Parents evenings are important especially at this point in her education, you not bothering sends a powerful message to her as to how you value education.

I thought DD wasn’t bothered and as fed up with them as OP?

It is one night a year/term, and the only opportunity to connect with her subject teachers to know what is going on in each subject and gives you, or her, an opportunity to ask questions too, parents evening is a two way conversation. Parents evenings are not just for parents of kids who are struggling.

This is more important now she is moving into GCSEs years. Even if you only make appointments with the subjects she is considering taking I think it is important to go.

It sends a powerful message to your dd that you really care about and are actively involved with her school, her education and are there to support her. As the 5th child in my family, I would never have admitted it to my parents, how I felt when they didn’t do the same things with me as they did for my older siblings, perhaps thinking it wasn’t worth their time. Intentional or not, that message still resonates with me.

The reasons to go far outweigh not going.

Ignore your ex's comments, do what you feel is right for your dd.

Yup he’s a tit and can go himself. I have a very similar family (though luckily not the horror XH) and we came to the same conclusion.

I agree. For my two they were a colossal waste of time. The only time they were useful was during lockdown when we could do them online but now we went back to the hoopla of two hour race round a school for 2-5 minutes of a teachers time only to be told the kid is doing well. If your ex wants to do that then he should bloody well step up.

I thought DD wasn’t bothered and as fed up with them as OP?

Which is why OP needs to step up, be the parent and model some positive behaviour that shows respect for education.

What total bollocks. Not attending sends a powerful message that conformity is not a requirement or always desirable. The anti-large families insistence that youngest children must be neglected because parents are tired of parenting is tedious in the extreme.

Go to the options meeting for sure but I'd give this one parents evening a miss in your place. If you go your ex will think he made you do it, no way would I give him that satisfaction Op.

Not attending sends a powerful message that conformity is not a requirement or always desirable.

Conformity to education is a bad thing? Right ok.

If he hasn't been to any of them he obviously doesn't have a leg to stand on.

If your daughter wanted you to go that would be different. The only thing I'd say is, is she going to have to have the same conversation 9 times with each teacher about why she's not going because they'll push for her to go.

If I was tired of parenting I wouldnt have had 6 kids! I can be arsed for the important stuff, such as the fortnightly catch ups with her HOY as she is in a program to help her confidence due to ND. It was me pushing in the first place that got her on the program. Because of that, I probably know more than most parents about her work and social development.

If you think that insisting we sit in a draughty hall for 2 hours to hear "Oh yes she is doing very well, she should definitely take X for GCSE" on a loop is me showing I care, you have a strange view of being a parent!

Yes he should go. To have not been to a single parents' evening for 6 children is shocking.

Also I'm pretty sure neither of my DDs' secondary schools actually have enough appointments for all the children. If you don't get in in time you can e-mail the teacher instead for updates. So it's not an expectation that everyone goes.

Dont be ridiculous, that is clearly not what is being said. Showing up to tick the "good parent" box doesnt actually achieve anything if nothing is learned on either side.

Not really sure what you want from this thread. You are happy with your decision not to attend. Others disagree, but that’s OK.

Your ex won’t attend. Sounds like you are heavily involved with the school, so I understand his reluctance, tbh. But he has no right to be angry with you if he’s not happy to step up himself.

Does that cover it?

It doesn’t sound like at all. OP explained her and DD’s reasons for not attending so don’t create your own narrative.

‘Sounds like’ you are being deliberately combative

The anti-large families insistence that youngest children must be neglected because parents are tired of parenting is tedious in the extreme

That's a very simplistic view. And comments along the lines of 'be careful you're treating your youngest the same as all the others' are coming from people that have experienced being the youngest child in a large family and/or from parents.

I have 3 dc - and even 'just' with 3, you still have to be aware of the 'been there done that' attitude with the youngest, and try to avoid it. I sat through a 45 minute 'meet the teacher' in September with Mrs T, when ds3 joined Y3. I've known Mrs T for 9 years, ever since eldest dc was in her class. God I was tempted to bin it off because it was of no use to me at all. But this is ds3's journey and he deserves parental attendance as much as his older siblings do.

If you think you treat your oldest child exactly the same as your youngest, you're naiive. No-one does, we can only do our best to make it as close as possible.

Would op have agreed with her oldest child that this Parents Evening was pointless and they'd skip it? No, of course not. Op is suffering from parental seen-it-all-before-itis. But failing to recognise it as such. And it IS the younger/youngest siblings that tend to miss out on events/experiences/activities because of it.

If you think that insisting we sit in a draughty hall for 2 hours to hear "Oh yes she is doing very well, she should definitely take X for GCSE" on a loop is me showing I care, you have a strange view of being a parent!

This sends the message that if she wasn't so well behaved and hardworking, you'd be more interested.

And also that if she wasn't the youngest of your 6 children you'd be more interested.

She might think it's a waste of time now but that's because she's a teenager.

You and her dad are the adults here and neither of you are sending her a brilliant message to be fair.

Yes, I agree if he feels that strongly about it he should go. Actually, he should’ve already been going to every single one. It sounds like he is more interested in trying to boss you around than her education. He’s probably missing all the power over women he thought he had in his big job.

As you are in frequent contact with the school for other reasons, there’s plenty of opportunity to discuss anything that might be raised at parents evening. Maybe PPs missed that