to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

Have 6 kids and come back and say that again!

That's hardly your dd's fault.

I think it's a poor show not to go. And I think you're naiive if you think you're fully aware of all of your teenagers feelings on the matter. Bright, kind, sensitive teenagers (I have 2) will be acutely tuned into you and are quite likely to tell you what they think you'd like to hear ime. Especially if they're also aware of how busy/tired or whatever you are.

I've been to some banal shit in my years as a parent. Parents evenings, meet the teacher, concerts (2 hours to watch your child's 4 minute scene anyone?). Frozen my arse off on the sides of many pitches, watching sports I have zero interest in and cheering on teams I don't care about.

But at 17, my eldest will reminisce about the time he broke his finger at football or the time when Mr Jones got him mixed up with Tommy at parents evening or 100 other things.

And I'm very glad now that I never ducked out of the boring stuff. Because it matters. It matters to them, even when they say it doesn't. Even when THEY think it doesn't.

PyongyangKipperbang · Today 23:05

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 23:00
It’s important if she’s choosing GCSE subjects. Personally, I’d want to go.

She has chosen her GCSE subjects, and I fully support her choices. I suspect some of her teachers wont though, and that is why she doesnt want to go.
She is a science/maths/IT kid, but the history and geography teachers are already putting pressure on.

In which case I’d definitely go, to fight her corner.

Tell him to kiss your 🍑. CF. He has NEVER been to parents evening and your the shit parent. It's your job. I bet everything is your bloody job. Prat.

Oh come on now OP you're starting to sound like my mum it's not your kids fault you decided to have 6 of them.

This is exactly what I meant when I said that being the 5th child meant my parents became indifferent.

They're individual people and should be treated as such, without their siblings parents evenings affecting theirs.

Once a term, never remember going that frequently when mine were at school, I suspect some teachers would also rather not go that often too.

It sounds like you've been going regularly in the past and if your DD has said that she doesn't mind that you miss the next one that's all that matters.

If the ex thinks by you going to them frequently in the past makes you a bad mother I'd have asked him outright as he can't be arsed to attend any pasr or present, what he thinks that makes him.

no only seems to be Y9 because of GCSE choices.

ETA....was every term at primary, once a year at senior but is once a term in GCSE choice year. Sorry for buggering that up in my OP.

Any chance of answering what I asked?

Which is "If he care so much, he can go himself?" Not saying "Wow! You dont want to go to your DD's parents evening?! That appalling!"

I am happy with that decision, as is DD, or so she says and I will, thanks to a PP, be talking to her again about it.

AIBU to tell my ex that if he thinks parents evening, the thing he has never once attended in all her years in school, is so important he can go himself instead of demanding I go and verbally abusing me when I say no?

AIBU to tell my ex that if he thinks parents evening, the thing he has never once attended in all her years in school, is so important he can go himself instead of demanding I go and verbally abusing me when I say no?

You've been on MN long enough to know the answer to this.

Not sure why you're asking?

Because years of abuse make you question yourself.

I know deep down I am right but.....there is always a but.

Of course YANBU.
This response was spot on
But spoiler alert - he doesn't think they are important, he just wants to control you and make your life more difficult while he sits around feeling like the superior parent.
Though he sounds like such an arsehole it's probably best he doesn't.

Agree they are pointless. My DC didn't have them at all in 6th form ..

Ah, the classic game of passing the baton. But here's the truth: if he wants to play the concerned parent role now, he can step up or stop complaining from the sidelines. You've been doing the heavy lifting all along, and if he suddenly has opinions on what’s "important," then let him prove it. The only thing you're guilty of is expecting him to actually follow through on what he preaches. If he wants a seat at the table, he can bloody well take one otherwise, silence speaks louder than any tantrum he throws.

YANBU

I'd have replied: "It's called parents evening Graham, not mothers evening, and yet you've never been to a single one of them. Dad of the year."

I'd not engage or respond to him at all, only communicate when he is civil and polite and only if you absolutely must. What's the point in responding?

Any form of rudeness, aggression, belittling or blaming would be completely ignored or your showing he still has power of you.

As for not attending her parents evening I think unless your unwell, working or caring for someone then it's lazy not just not go, regardless if you have 6 or 26 kids,

We were assiduous attenders of parents evenings but tbh if you know your kid is doing fine and you've nothing you want to discuss then it's probably a bit of a waste of everyone's time - some families need more than the allotted few minutes and they always end up running late. It's not a holy rite.

I voted YABU only because, after single-handedly managing all the meetings and decisions all these years, why encourage him to weigh in now with an opinion? You run the risk of him insisting on input in decisions you’ve heretofore made on your own.

I feel for you, been there, done that. Just be careful of suddenly finding all your informed decision-making being challenged when Newly Interested Dad wants a say. So it’s a very mild and friendly YABU.

That would enrage me too. Would you text to say, 'what time are you picking up dd?' or a super helpful, 'You will need to book those appointments quick or the best times slots will be gone.'
At least he is your ex. He can't have it both ways. He states(opinion) that not going is proof of being a bad parent, then is he too thick to grasp what that makes him?
There is a reason he is an ex. Very few more years until you have the option of never speaking to him again.

What a massive hypocrite! If there’s nothing you need to discuss re subjects I don’t blame you. It’s the parents that never go that are a concern.

I’m the youngest of 5and my parents had also checked out of school stuff by the time I did GCSEs and didn’t come to my parents evenings/awards nights etc - in all honesty it was quite painful for me although I’d pretend it was fine (like your daughter I was also doing very well) and I’m still feeling the repercussions now years later (low self esteem being a massive one) one of you should def go - if he can’t be trusted to make an appt then it should be you.

It’s one evening and that’s what I used to struggle with, that one of them couldn’t carve out 2 hours for me and I guess processed that as ‘I’m not worth 2 hours’ a really shitty feeling.

it took meeting my partner and having kids to build up my self worth again. Not saying this will happen to your daughter at all but just to give you a different perspective.

You shouldn’t have told him at the point you decided not to go so that he had the opportunity to arrange it himself instead.

I do find your attitude of well I have 6 kids and she’s doing well a bit rough. I get it but it’s important you don’t give her less attention as she is doing well and make her feel unimportant.

Three parents evenings a year is a lot. With dd’s schools it has only even been 1 and 2 in GCSE year. I imagine that will now be replicated for A level. I actually think 2 every year would have been beneficial for my dd. I’m not generally in contact much with the school regarding academics, it is more her other needs.

My two are very academic and it was always the same in the latter years, a sales pitch for their subject. But I wouldn’t not go, it’s an hour out of your life. One of you should go.

Someone should go. It should be taken in turns, but if he's unreliable then unfortunately you have to go.

If the evening is all compliments for your DD the enjoy that and make it a positive for you both. But attending each time means if anything changes you'll still be in the habit of going.

He doesn’t think it’s important- but he thinks it’s OK to dictate how you spend your time, and to use your non-compliance to verbally abuse you.

Don’t go to this one, just to let him know you won’t be bullied by him.