Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Call him and ask if he wants you to pop over.

Nothing.

Send condolences rather than a personal visit when they will all be grieving. Do your DC know? How are they feeling?

I wouldn’t do anything.

I’m not sure I understand why you want to drive to the house and see him? What is the purpose of going? Would it be to offer your conferences to your ex and see if he needs anything? Or would it be to check your daughter is ok?
Even if your reasons are genuine, might he feel that you turned up to gloat?

Just send condolences. Don't go round.

I wouldn’t be bothered with this. Sounds like you have been divorced for some time? There’s no way I’d be feeling ‘numb’ - the best I could manage, if it happened to my ex (who was and is a complete arse), is to message and say I’ve heard the news and I am sorry for his loss.
Do you really need to ‘do’ anything?

I would send a text offering condolences and support including with anything practical, plus a letter of condolence. I wouldn’t just turn up.

If you think it will genuinely help him to reach out, do it the least intrusive way. Message him.

In the nicest way, don't make this about you. There is no need for you to drive round there. A quick message or card is more than enough.

Message offering condolences and say he knows where you are if he needs anything.

And leave it at that

Send message of condolence via text or email.
He probably won't know which way is up at the moment so, personally, I would not turn up in person unannounced.

I mean, kindly, it’s surely got nothing to do with you? I don’t mean ‘back off, I just mean that it’s unfortunate, but not much more unfortunate than any other death that is someone you barely know.

How old is your daughter? How has she been impacted by her relationship with her dad being made ‘very difficult’? Does she have contact?

You can't just drive to his house.

Obviously you'd need to speak to him/message him first to see if he wants you to.

My exH (father of my children so ongoing involvement) sent a condolences card when my late-DH died, and wrote some lovely comments about him. It was much appreciated, but I wouldn't have wanted anything more.

If it was my ex I'd speak to our children and see what they thought. But if he marries his gf and she dies, I'd not be doing much as I'd be living a long way away by then and plan to not speak to him once I move.

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

Why would you go to their home?

I would stay out of it to be honest. Send a card or text but leave it at that.

Do nothing for now.

Yes, texting would be the obvious choice.

He's probably got a whole houseful right now.

It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

I can imagine you are in shock and this is not a clear path to navigate.

Hold back. Step away. Look out for your DD who may need comforting right now and who's relationship with her DF will become more complex as he grieves.

Let the dust settle - focus on your DD for the foreseeable.

I can't think of anything worse, in a situation where my DH had just died, than my XH turning up at my house. Why would you do this?

If I were to die the last thing my DH would want would be his ex turning up at the door and we actually have a very cordial, pleasant relationship and great relationships all round with the adult DC. She, however, doesn't feature as a "support" person in his life and I'd say the same applies equally for her. Please don't land at his door.

Edited to add: she would ofcourse be welcome at a funeral and attended DFIL's but she is not close family to my DH anymore and he would find it stressful if she appeared at the house.

I would go with a care package and card and see how he reacts. You'll be able to tell if he needs the company or if he just wants to be left alone ( in which case you have paid respects in person).