Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Trust your instincts OP. Go if you feel like it’s the right thing to do. My ex (dcs dad) was very supportive when my husband died and it was very much appreciated.

I think that, when there has been a sudden death like this, even if isn't someone you will grieve for, the shock can still make you want to talk to someone also affected. In this sort of situation, I think you have to take care to only speak to those who are as affected as you, not those more directly affected like your ex.
In these circumstances, it is slightly different as it is your DD's step-mum who has died. How old is your DD? How often does she go to her dad's? Does she have half siblings as well as step siblings? How well do they get on? All of this might impact on your next steps. Might DD want to spend more time at her dad's or less? What does he want? How can you help your DD and her DF navigate their relationship at this difficult time? And how can you best support your DD who might be experiencing a whole range of emotions including worry about how best to interact with her DF and the other children?

The OP’s instincts led her to marry a serial cheater

You don't have a positive relationship with him, a call is all that's required, you weren't friendly with her, it's not the time to be intrusive in a situation that's not yours

My daughter is 13. No half siblings. Rarely went to her dad’s. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Ex’s cousin was sent by Ex to tell me. She wasn’t English. Had one cousin in London who had travelled down but her mother and brother are arriving tomorrow.
I am genuinely saddened, I would not have wished this on him. Ex MiL spent this afternoon with me. All very sad.

I wonder what will happen to her poor kids now - is their DF on the scene?

Maybe it would be best if your ex-MIL went to support her son rather than spending the day with you? I know you have no control over what another person does but she sounds terrible.

It is very sad, particularly for HER family. Why is your former MIL spending the afternoon with you, as opposed to comforting her own DS?

I think this is good advice. How was your relationship before the death? Were you a support person? Even though I'm now in a relationship, my ExW is a support person as I am to her. When I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, she came to some hospital appointments when my GF couldn't make it and my surgery. However, we have 2 children, live abroad and work together so we make a conscious effort of 'still being a family' and being there for each other when we need it (looking after each other's dogs), swapping days with the kids to accommodate our lives and work commitments or just to moan about our boss.
If her partner had recently died, I'd be there for her straight away but I'd have to text first.
So yeah text him, say how sorry you are for his loss and ask if he wants/needs to meet.

You really are quite determined to make this all about you, aren’t you OP

But she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult.
So did my dad's new wife, my dad and I barely spoke for 10 years because of her. Things improved immeasurably once his wife died. In your position I would do/say nothing, except maybe send a sympathies card. And hopefully your daughter will begin to enjoy a relationship with her dad again.

I agree with others that a card is absolutely the right way to go, never mind what your instinct is saying.

I thought the very same, unfinished business here!

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. Keep out of it. If you happen to see him then of course say sorry for his loss but apart from that mind your own business

I think what's really confusing people here is that part of the picture is missing - how long have you been divorced, what is the relationship with him like?
Even in a relationship where you still get on enough to attend events amicably, kids birthday parties, maybe the odd bbq in the summer i can't think why your instinct would be to go round instead of text. Unless this is a cultural thing?

Yes. Why was your ex-MIL with you and not her son, who is the one actually bereaved?!

Really strange dynamics.

@Sayitagainmyl Because the op is the main character here. Her ex husband's wife has died. Obviously that means that her ex husband's mother should be supporting her

What a weird post 🙄

this is a very strange story, just very odd

ask yourself why you feel the need to do anything? did you have a good relationship with your ex's wife? do you still have a good relationship with your ex?

my ex passed recently, all my pain and grief was for our children! but everyone assumed i was upset because i was still in love with my ex, which was entirely untrue.

If your children saw this woman as a 'step parent', direct your actions towards your children and not your ex.

Are you sure you don't still have feelings for him?

Your reaction is really odd IMO. I don't understand why you'd want to even send a card, let alone go to his house?

Ex MiL spent this afternoon with me. All very sad.

Why didn't she spend it with her grieving son?

I assume the OP was crying down the phone to her ex-MIL as she’s so very sad.

As you say, it isn’t about you. You’re not involved in this situation, don’t insert yourself into it.

although this does remind me of my sister.. she had an affair, moved in with another man and after 2 years, her ex husband (although still married) died.

she attended the funeral as his wife, she greived as his wife. acted like his wife, even though she has been at war with him for 2 years and engaged to a different man!

people are odd