Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s wife has died

260 replies

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 16:52

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

OP posts:
IkeaJesusChrist · 04/03/2025 17:32

Wouldn't do anything, it's nothing to do with you.

SemperIdem · 04/03/2025 17:33

A card is sufficient. Even considering going to see him is quite frankly, odd.

Savemefromwetdog · 04/03/2025 17:33

I really don’t understand why you would go? Speaking as someone who lost someone very significant at a young age, I remember the grief vultures who turned up.

Just sent a message and/or a card and flowers.

Topsyturvy78 · 04/03/2025 17:34

A card to let him know your thinking of him. Maybe a box of essentials he probably doesn't feel like going out.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 04/03/2025 17:34

Why do you feel the need to insert yourself into his business?

Bluenotgreen · 04/03/2025 17:34

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

Because nobody can understand why you feel this pull to be at his side…

Chuchoter · 04/03/2025 17:35

You don't like the woman, she was horrible to your daughter and your ex husband cheated on you.

Why would you even send a card unless it's a passive aggressive way of gloating about her early demise?

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:35

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Yes probably wouldn’t have used the word ‘rescue’ but feel intensely sorry for him. I think you have captured something. Only thing stopping me is I would never intrude on her children.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

OP posts:
CalleOcho · 04/03/2025 17:35

Chillilounger · 04/03/2025 17:18

I would go with a care package and card and see how he reacts. You'll be able to tell if he needs the company or if he just wants to be left alone ( in which case you have paid respects in person).

God no.

Please don’t do this.

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 04/03/2025 17:35

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 16:53

Call him and ask if he wants you to pop over.

this

Sebella · 04/03/2025 17:36

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

Your DD might have some unacknowledged 'guilt' that might trouble her or come through later.

Keep listening, checking in and supporting her. She has a lot ahead of her. She will watch at clsoe range her half siblings grieve the sudden loss of their mother for years to come. Also he DF may be unable to parent her for some time.

Your DD life has changed drastrically and she will need your support for the medium term even if she doesnt want to talk about it right now - she has. lot to process and experience going forward with her family that no onw had anticipated.

outerspacepotato · 04/03/2025 17:37

Send or text condolences. Do not go over, it would be really intrusive and I doubt your ex and her kids would appreciate it right now.

BrendaSmall · 04/03/2025 17:37

You don’t sound very keen on her, and he’s your ex for a reason, are you with anyone now or no?

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 04/03/2025 17:37

Just why? Maybe her kids don't want you there. If I lost a parent and their partner's ex turned up, I'd be thinking they're a fucking grief vulture or there for gossip. It's got bugger all to do with you

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 04/03/2025 17:38

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

So if your daughter isn't bothered, he was consistently unfaithful to you, and you've been divorced for years, so why are you bothering?
Weird to feel 'numb'

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 17:39

I wouldnt be doing anything, it's up to the kids what they want to do

hopeishere · 04/03/2025 17:39

Just leave it. Don't be a drama llama trying to put yourself into the narrative.

MeridianB · 04/03/2025 17:39

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

This is odd. And the idea of rushing round is odd.

Just a very simple condolence message is fine.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 04/03/2025 17:40

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

Because of your original post!
It seems as if you really want to get in contact, despite your daughter's difficulties with this woman.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 04/03/2025 17:41

Why do you think he would want his ex wife popping around when his wife has just died? If you must do something then send a text.

Anything more is weird. This is not about you at all.

Bluenotgreen · 04/03/2025 17:41

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:35

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Yes probably wouldn’t have used the word ‘rescue’ but feel intensely sorry for him. I think you have captured something. Only thing stopping me is I would never intrude on her children.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

This is all seriously weird.

Are you generally a Grief Thief?

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:41

commonsense61
How is your daughter,complicated relationships can lead to complicated grief.

Yes I am worried about my daughter in that I don’t want her to feel guilty about having a bad relationship with her.

I am not a person who would gloat about the loss of a woman with young children no matter who she was, and my ex knows this.

OP posts:
Ueya · 04/03/2025 17:41

Send a card, it’s far to intrusive to go around, as @Sebella explained well there are issues that may come up now or in the future re your daughter and how she and her siblings cope with the grief, concentrate on her as that’s what you can help with, the rest of the situation isn’t yours to solve unless you are asked to help

StrongSweetCoffee · 04/03/2025 17:42

I wouldn’t do anything. When people are grieving they can misdirect their anger about it - and he is your ex for a reason.

AgnesXNitt · 04/03/2025 17:42

What age are all the children in the equation? And do they have shared DC?