Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Most don't though. Bereavement is for close people not an ex.

Because OP has expressed zero affection for this woman, and her daughter - who WAS involved in her life - seems disinterested.

But what for, for heaven’s sake? This woman was nothing to her. Literally their only connection is that OP’s ex married her. If OP hadn’t had a child, she’d have probably never clapped eyes on the woman.

OP’s ex had family. His wife had family. Presumably they both have/had friends. What is the role of an ex-wife?!

Stay away

@HardyCrow - OP has said both here and elsewhere they didn't have any relationship, and OP didn't particularly like her, OP's child was indifferent to her- there isn't any relationship there by the previous posts.

Absolutely agree with this

Agreed.

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind person though, OP.

Nice to hear - especially when old ties and emotions are involved.

Good for you.

Do what's best for the children as always, but message your ex and let him know you're thinking of him.

Thats the best way to approach atm, I think.

I would personally just be concerned with how my daughter is in this situation.

His wife made things awkward between your ex and his daughter (which he did nothing about from what you've said) and he also constantly cheated on you.

You owe him and his wife absolutely nothing.

Well, obviously relationships with exes are all different and how any individual on here responds would be reflective of the relationship they have with an ex or imagine the relationship would look.

However, the OP describes her ex and his now deceased wife as making things difficult for her daughter. Which doesn't sound particularly amicable.

My exh and I have always been amicable for the sake of the childen. I'd probably text him to express my condolences in much the same way as I messaged him before his wedding offering congratulations but he has a whole life, family and friends. Why would I think I needed to do anything else? I certainly wouldn't be sending care packages or any such nonsense.

All you have to do is call in and tell him you’re sorry for his loss. She’s gone now and the past is history. He’s still your children’s dad, and his children are your children’s kin.

A simple text of condolence and a card to the family expressing sympathy is appropriate at this stage as you have indicated OP.

I wouldn’t go ..
just message him to say ..
You are at other end of phone if he needs anything …

Do nothing. Say nothing.

Presumably this man is your ex DH for a reason?

Do you realise how weird it would sound from your ex's perspective? "My wife has been dead only a few hours, and already my ex wife is knocking on the door." It sounds bonkers, because it is.
And do you have a new partner? How might they feel to see you immediately head off to your ex's house once the other woman is out of the way? Again, bonkers.

You can just about get away with a card, or a text, "Sorry to hear about your loss." But any more than that would be absurd.

Keep far away. She was neither family, or friend. She interfered with your life, by her selfish reaction to your daugher. If she wanted you to be part of her scene she would have made you part. Your ex in laws were wary of her, so the red flags are flying everywhere.
You seem to have some form of pity for your ex as in EX, husband. It is obviously not recipricated and you will not be wanted unless he thinks you are gagging to take him back.
Leave well alone and concentrate on your daughter: that is going to be time well spent. These feelings are a waste of your time

Maybe I'm out of touch with modern protocol but you all seem very quick to criticise a woman for having some emotion for her ex in his sad loss. Okay, it might be "about her" but why not? Aren't we all human beings with human feelings - and she has said she still has feelings for him. Why would he be angry/annoyed/suspicious if she turned up and offered some help to someone she once knew very well? He sounds as if he's a man who doesn't do well with relationships (even his DD and his DM) so a friendly face might be just what he needs.

Most of you seem to be of the opinion that you just write off your past relationships - and sometimes far too easily in my mind. MN is full of people quick to tell a poster to "leave him" if things aren't perfect. In my day you rectified problems, or at least worked round them. Still do.

If the deceased was as unpleasant as it seems, and the ex-H seemingly a total prat, he might be pretty short of people who actually care about him right now.

Over the years I've offered help to many bereaved/sick/lonely people (no I'm not a saint, nor do I stick my nose in) - mostly practical stuff - and it's easy to stop if you are intruding so I back off.

I've also attended the funerals of people from my past and didn't ask anyone's permission - and found that loads of others from the same era did the same. The deceased's family were always pleased.

Whilst I agree that the OP appears to be making it all about her, she has needs as well and her support might be most appreciated. She won't find out till she tries. But in today's modern world I'd probably send a text/email or phone rather than turn up unannounced - though she "risks" the ex just saying he is fine - and he might not be.

I see that she is coming round to toning it down as result of your comments, and as I said, maybe I am just old fashioned.

I'll probably get slated for my opinions!

Your Ex wife ? I don’t understand why you want to go down there he’s your ex ?

Maybe I'm out of touch with modern protocol but you all seem very quick to criticise a woman for having some emotion for her ex in his sad loss. Okay, it might be "about her" but why not? Aren't we all human beings with human feelings - and she has said she still has feelings for him.

I don’t think anyone is criticising the OP for feeling sympathy. It’s the idea that her instinct is to turn up right in the middle of it all; the fact that she’s saying she feels “completely numb”, despite no real connection with this woman. THAT is what makes it “about her”.

Whilst I agree that the OP appears to be making it all about her, she has needs as well

”Needs”? Who has needs when it comes to the death of an ex’s new spouse? What could she possibly need from this?

I don't think modern protocol is the issue here I'm afraid. I'm in my late 60's and find the idea of turning up or getting involved at all unless invited absolutely bizarre given the situation. Back in the day the most it would warrant would be a sympathy card.

@madmeg1952 I've read your post and absolutely still think that OP should not go to his house without an invite. From experience after I lost a sibling, 2nd cousins and ex's were not welcome to pop in when I was in shock.

The op has said she is not going to go to her ex's house, she just considered it for a brief time is all but decided against it. She is going to send a card with a message, probably already has. It's dealt.

I’d be even wary if I did get an invite .

Like some others, i'm confused as to why you want to physically go round to his house. Were you a visitor previously, either regularly or rarely, did you actually go indoorsor just drop your daughter off outside? If his cousin is with him and his wife's children, I'm not sure what extra you will add and I definitely think his step children might not welcome your presence. I know you keep saying you have no interest in getting back together but it may appear that way if you turn up at his door. Your idea of a sympathy is ample.

Just stay right out of it. No good deed go's unpunished. They will take their grief out on you. You will not be wanted there. You will probably fond he will come back and talk to you in time, they usually go back to the person who knew them best. Lovex

I don't see how reaching out can do any harm. Feeling numb and shock is completely normal. Just because he is your ex doesn't mean there are zero feelings. I imagine the feelings are just more complicated. And if you share a daughter with your ex, then she will be feeling the loss too. I would say trust your instincts here and be ready to react when you see how your ex is doing. You sound like a kind and empathetic person.

I'd not be bothered tbh why would I. Reading what you have said I think you care to much and if you get involved whilst he is grieving all that's going to happen is you end up in bed together. Your dd didn't care she doesnr see her dad much she didn't like his partner he's an ex I don't see why you need to do anything.