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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s wife has died

260 replies

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 16:52

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Buddhalover · 04/03/2025 17:18

I don't think it's really appropriate tbh, for you to turn up at the house. A simple sympathy card would suffice just offering your condolences.

sandyhappypeople · 04/03/2025 17:19

Were you close with your ex and/or his wife? I would say it's a weird response to go round there where her children presumably live?

Definitely don't go round.

Hwi · 04/03/2025 17:19

Keep away, nothing to do with you.

minnienono · 04/03/2025 17:19

Send a text saying you are so sorry and thinking about him, send a card in the mail

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

OP posts:
Longingforspringtime · 04/03/2025 17:22

My ex husband's wife died and he wanted my support for him and their DD. He asked me and my DH to go to the funeral and we helped with the wake etc. A message is a good idea and ask if he wants any help.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/03/2025 17:22

In the nicest possible way, are you trying to rescue him? This is his issue to cope with. You are not his partner and your intentions could be misunderstood.

SunnieShine · 04/03/2025 17:23

Are you hoping to get back with him?

TomatoSandwiches · 04/03/2025 17:23

I think I'd take the lead from your DD tbh, send the card via MIL is ok enough and leave it at that.

0ctavia · 04/03/2025 17:23

Just send a card, that’s enough. This is not about you.

What does your daughter want to do? does she need support from you ?

I assume you are not trying to get back together with him? And even if you are , this REALLY is not the time.

0ctavia · 04/03/2025 17:24

I see your Dd is ok about it. So there’s nothing for you to do here, stay away and give her children and family their privacy.

edwinbear · 04/03/2025 17:24

Please don't turn up at their house. He's lost his wife, her DC have lost their mum, completely out of the blue by the sounds of it. They really need to be left alone to grieve and get over the shock. A card is definitely the way to go.

2025willbemytime · 04/03/2025 17:24

If your dadughter doesn't care her step mum has died, why do you? Seriously. This is all about what the widower needs.

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 04/03/2025 17:25

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

Because you seem overly invested and a little intense.

MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 17:25

You wanting to turn up is about you, not them. His wife just died. He doesn’t need nor want his ex showing up. What on earth would her children think? She’s barely cold and he has a previous wife arrive at the door to fill the void?

Leave well enough alone and focus on your own daughter. He is not your responsibility or concern.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 04/03/2025 17:27

Sometimes a couple can have a deep connection even though the relationship has ended. I would get in touch, OP, as long as he would understand that you are offering the hand of friendship.

steff13 · 04/03/2025 17:29

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

I think it's the fact that you want to see him. Like you want to be the one to comfort him. I didn't go there myself, but I can see that line of thinking.

I wouldn't think of doing anything other than acknowledging the loss with a card.

commonsense61 · 04/03/2025 17:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AgnesXNitt · 04/03/2025 17:29

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

Maybe because for reasons out side of understanding you want to rush to the side of your adulterous ex to provide comfort after the sudden and tragic death of a woman you clearly didn't like, your DD didn't like and who you talked about with her PIL (your ex-PILs)?

LBFseBrom · 04/03/2025 17:29

Send a condolence card and say you will come over if he wants.

In view of the history it is nice that you care, I do not see anything odd about that.

Do you know if she was ill for a while or was it sudden?

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2025 17:30

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:07

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

I wouldn’t even text - just send a condolences card. The last thing he’ll be thinking about is you!

daisypetula · 04/03/2025 17:30

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

I think that's the way to do it and offer via ex MIL to discuss changes to contact if needed

Moveoverdarlin · 04/03/2025 17:30

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

That’s what I would be worried about if I was one of her children and see you rock up at the house. Don’t go round there and take a ‘care package’ FFS, his wife has died. He won’t want chocolates, fluffy socks and hand cream.

I would send a text that says.

Hi John, I’ve just heard about Alison. Gosh what a horrendous shock for you, please accept my sincerest condolences. You and all the family are in my thoughts and please please let me know if there is anything I can do. Happy to help in anyway. Love Suzy.

And then leave it.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 04/03/2025 17:31

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2025 16:59

Message offering condolences and say he knows where you are if he needs anything.

And leave it at that

I agree.