Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

It’s very sad for their children and you’re obviously in shock. definitely don’t go around there! If you’re in touch with your MIL, let her know that you’re there if they need you. Send a card.

You need to focus a lot less on your ex and more about your DD and that she will have very complicated feelings about this despite seeing “unbothered”. Even if she’s not strictly upset as they didn’t have a good relationship, she will have to experience the grief of others such as her dad and siblings.

Absolutely agree. The last person anyone wants hanging about is an ex. A card is sufficient.

Don’t be that person.

If you were close to him or his wife then maybe a card or text but it doesn’t sound like you had a good relationship with either of them.

How old is your dd?

It really genuinely bizarre you’d even think to do this given your daughter, the person who had the most interaction with the person, had an appalling relationship with.

And this happened yesterday. You will be one of the last people he’s thinking about op

a thoughtful card

Pwfeff...I wouldn't. I would be on my daughters side.

Its got absolutely nothing to do with you and you are not duty bound to do or say anything as it seems you feel you are. He is your past.
You aren't a bad person if you feel nothing about this so don't try to.
If you feel the need, just say you are sorry to hear the sad news and leave it at that. A simple acknowledgement. Don't add that you are there if he needs anything, it's not your place.

The thoughtlessness of this is actually quite breath taking

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted.

Literally a short card is the only appropriate action to take here - and that does not include a message saying you were going to call round but didn't want to intrude, as that makes it very much about you.

I wouldn't do anything.

He's your ex. It's best you give him and her close family space right now.
If he was your best mate it'd be different, but I don't think you'll be able to help. Though it's kind that you wish to.
Maybe once it's clear the news could have spread to you organically, just send a text saying sorry for your loss, and I'm here to chat if you need. But leave it a week or so. There will be lots going on for him right now.

I wouldn’t go. He’s your ex and he’s just lost his wife, last need him or the children need is the ex wife turning up. Just send him a text saying “I’m sorry for your loss” or send him a card. Sounds like your ex isn’t the nicest of people anyway so I wouldn’t be giving him too much sympathy.

Do not thinking going round! Don’t even suggest it. Why on earth do you feel numb? Did you know her?

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.

But why on earth wouldn't you respect it? You aren't doing him a massive favour that needs pointing out.

You don't need to tell him this FFS, you just need to do it. It should be a given, frankly. He has his parents, her parents, her siblings and friends, her children, maybe they had shared children together.

He. Doesn't. Need. You. There. And probably doesn't want you there either.

He especially doesn't need you intimating that you think he needs you there, but out of respect for her family you are heroically agreeing to step into the background.

A simple message saying 'I am sorry for your loss. Please do let me know if you need any help navigating this with Daughter'.
That is as far as your relationship should go with him.

I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time.
Definitely do not write this. It is not about you. Main character syndrome.

It is concerning op that you likely would have done this if you hadn’t posted on mumsnet

I dread to think of scenarios where you haven’t asked mumsnet

OP it sounds like you're not over him.

Nothing. He will be contacted by lots of people over the next few weeks and some of them will have unpleasant motivations (the number of exes that crawled out of the woodwork to try and hit on me after my husband died was truly vile). Obviously that's not why you would be doing it, but you don't want to be misinterpreted and lumped in with them.

I would text him with condolences in a few days and say that when he's ready, you're happy to discuss how best to support your daughter.

I wouldn’t do anything. She wasn’t nice to your daughter and your ex was serially unfaithful to you.

If things are civil between you now I’d put a condolence card through the door next week and offer to pick your DD up from the funeral (if she wants to go). Support your DD. Your ex doesn’t need bothering about.

Struggling to see why you’d want to go round or even really why you’re so upset - she doesn’t sound like a positive influence in your or your child’s life.
Send a card if you must, but otherwise keep out of it.

I’d send a condolence card and make sure I talk to my DC about their feelings. A sudden death at what I assume is a relatively young age is always shocking, however you feel about the deceased or their spouse

Ignore your instinct, you are the ex partner of her husband, her death has nothing to do with you.
You can send your ex condolences but theres no need for anything else

He cheated on you constantly - why do you give a damn about what he thinks and want to waste your time on him?

It is with these types of events that I ask of myself "What would Audrey Hepburn do?"

She would have written a letter, expressing her condolences warmly and sincerely, while confirming that he will find strength through his family - and especially his children - to move forward, even though the present may look grey. Audrey would have directed his energy to his loved ones, while trying to give him strength to do so. In particular, she would not impart any notion that she plays a part in his grief or his future salvation. The letter would be clear, absolute and final.

She would have arranged for it to be hand delivered by a courier. She would never have sent a text, which is informal and makes those who do omnipresent. The latter must be avoided.

Why on earth would you write that you want to "respect his and her children's privacy at this awful time"?!
Just send a condolence card and leave them be.
I really don't understand why it would even occur to you that just turning up might be a good idea. I can't imagine you'd be welcome.