Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Feeling 'numb' is shock.

There'll be a lot of fall-out for everyone in the coming days, weeks and months.

I am sure you had thoughts of what if this happened to your DD etc. Shock makes us panic.

Take it easy @CrispyDosa - sending a card via ILs is an appropriate response.

Are her children your ex's bio children?

Send your sincere condolences by text, follow up with a card, that's ALL. Going over there would be a bad idea. He will have her close family members around him and they will almost certainly find it inappropriate and insensitive to see his ex-wife there.

You were not her friend, she wasn't great with your daughter. There is really no need to insert yourself into this.

I recently learned an expression on here, which I like very much: 'Main character syndrome'. You seem to have a case of that, OP. It is very much not your place to go barging round there in this scenario, even if you think your presence is very important.

Your instincts telling you to go over there are wrong. Your daughter didn't care for her, if she needs support, she can come to you. You would be really overstepping to go over. You didn't love or care for her, that's pretty obvious from your post.

Intruding in on the grief of people who loved her would make things far worse for them. Do you really want to be that person?

I hope you're not putting that ridiculous idea into your daughter's head! About misplaced guilt at not liking her much now she's dead.

I doubt his kids want you turning up, you can send flowers a card and text

Send a card. He is your ex for a reason, don't fall into the trap of being his rock because you really are not.

@CrispyDosa AIBU is a shout out to the bullys. You are in shock with this sudden untimely death of a mother with children. It will impact your DD.

You only stated that you didnt know what to do in your OP - this is understandable in a state of shock. Please ignore the vipers - your family need comfort and calm right now. You have a long road ahead. Take it easy.

I think it would depend on how you usually communicate. If you keep in regular contact regarding your daughter via text, then I would send a short but sweet text like the one Moveoverdarlin suggested. Your focus should be on your daughter x

Just check in by text and say you can be totally flexible with any childcare arrangements as and when he needs and to get in touch if he needs anything practical.

In my experience, a lot of women flock round with casseroles and emotional support when a man is widowed, much more than they do with women.

Do nothing.

If I had a bereavement today, I would be utterly appalled and horrified if any of my exes appeared at my door.

It's sad but I don't think you should do anything. Concentrate on your DC.

I don’t think the OP is a Grief Thief that’s why I asked about rescuing. I suspect the OP had years of being the responsible one in their relationship, the one who worked to keep her ex happy when he was being selfish. I think the OP defaulted to her old habit of trying to fix his moods and stress.

Thank you! I was just trying to explain how I feel about this. I think the OP has this need to make herself relevant to him. It's like 'look at how magnanimous and grown up I am, in spite of him leaving me, I can deal with this for him as a friend.' As though by riding in on her white horse to take charge and be chief soother and hand patter, he and all of his dead wife's family will realise how fabulous she is. It's the kind of thing my mother likes to do and it makes me cringe. Main character Syndrome sums it up well.

I don't understand why you think you should involve yourself or do anything - how much involvement do you normally have with your ex? Is this just rubber-necking or grief tourism?

Your behaviour, even your protests, suggests that you still have feelings for your ex. You’re attempting to involve yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with you. If you want to show that you are thinking of your ex-husband, in a way that is sincere and not led by an ulterior motive, then a card is more than appropriate. Going round there and offering a shoulder to cry on does not seem appropriate, unless you were doing that during his marriage to his wife (and to her knowledge). Anything else comes across as opportunistic.

You sound like a lovely person OP

Just send a card and / or text with your condolences

If he wants to talk to you then he will

Are you one of those people that like to hijack life events and make it all about you ?

The fact that you are so invested in this?

Your children weren't keen but any condolences should come from them

Why is your instinct telling you to go and see him. I think what your brain is telling you he is feeling is probably way, way off what he is actually feeling.
Also, if you think it will upset her kids then absolutely stay away. Their mums just died, leave them all in peace and offer to help via text or phone.

'I am going to write in the card that I want to respect his and her children’s privacy at this awful time'

Why say that? Just say so sorry for your loss. That's it.

I think it really depends on the type of relationship you have with your ex.

Good co-parenting relationship: text him, offer condoléances. Stay in touch with him re your dd. Even though your dd didn’t like her, it’s still her step mother that died. It will have a huge impact on her.
Assuming the young dcs you mention are dcs she had with your ex, it also means huge changes there too.
Offer help and see how it goes.

Bad co-parenting relationship (whatever the reason): stick to the minimum. Send a card and see how things are panning out re contact.

Don’t go.
Send the “so sorry to hear blah blah”

Let me know if I can help you.

the end

If I die and my DH’s ex-wife rushes round to say how numb she feels, you best bet I’ll be resurrecting myself right back down to earth.

You have massive main character energy. Why are you sending card via ex MIL rather than post? Leave the poor man be, he’ll be shattered and you intruding will not help.