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Original poster

I think SS is hurting my baby

315 replies

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:05

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 04/03/2025 14:07

He needs to never be alone with the baby and you need to watch him like a hawk.

IVFmumoftwo · 04/03/2025 14:09

You are going to have to take your child with you everywhere.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 04/03/2025 14:10

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 04/03/2025 14:07

He needs to never be alone with the baby and you need to watch him like a hawk.

This. You have to protect your baby.

SI85 · 04/03/2025 14:11

Did you notice any sudden crying from baby when they were together?

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:12

There’s never time when he’s fully alone with her but, thinking back to the weekend, there were times when she was playing on the floor and he went to play with her when we weren’t directly supervising because we were talking to the other children or setting the table, for instance. There was never a time when we weren’t in the same room.

I thought it was nice that they were getting along and that he was trying to be a good big brother.

I’m so, so angry with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:12

SI85 · 04/03/2025 14:11

Did you notice any sudden crying from baby when they were together?

No, not at all.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2025 14:13

Was he alone with the baby to be able to do it? In the op you mentioned you'd watched him like a hawk since first time, which is what is needed, so I'm just trying to work out how it happened.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 04/03/2025 14:13

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:12

There’s never time when he’s fully alone with her but, thinking back to the weekend, there were times when she was playing on the floor and he went to play with her when we weren’t directly supervising because we were talking to the other children or setting the table, for instance. There was never a time when we weren’t in the same room.

I thought it was nice that they were getting along and that he was trying to be a good big brother.

I’m so, so angry with him.

Yes, doing it when he knows your distracted. Thats why you have to watch him like a hawk. It's no way to live though. Not in your own home.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2025 14:15

I wonder why she didn't cry out if he used enough pressure for bruising.

JLou08 · 04/03/2025 14:16

If baby never cried and they were never left in the room together are you sure it was SS? Does she get legs stuck in cot, bump into thing's a lot? Could it be a rash rather than bruises? If you look online you can see rashs that look like bruises, some do look like finger marks.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:16

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2025 14:15

I wonder why she didn't cry out if he used enough pressure for bruising.

I don’t know. She didn’t cry the first time either.

OP posts:
NC10125 · 04/03/2025 14:17

Given that he's really attached to you, and that you have a good relationship, I would do exactly the same as if he was my own older child.

I'd start by telling him that he hurt the baby the previous weekend (if you're sure it was him) and ask him what happened (or get his dad to) and talk out why this is so serious. Possibly a consequence if these usually work well?

Going forward I'd separate them as much as possible in a way that is positive for him in terms of attention (one of you take all of the older kids out, one of you take the baby - make sure this is sometimes you with the older ones). I'd never leave them together unsupervised, leave him in any sort of caregiver role, or leave the baby vulnerable in the house (eg napping whilst you're outside) when he's there.

I'd also over the next few months have gradual conversations about how much the baby loves him; what an important position big brother is; how much he is loved; how tricky it is when we feel jealous when a new baby is born etc.

I do also think that you need to let his mum know that this has happened because it has ramifications for other scenarios too.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:19

JLou08 · 04/03/2025 14:16

If baby never cried and they were never left in the room together are you sure it was SS? Does she get legs stuck in cot, bump into thing's a lot? Could it be a rash rather than bruises? If you look online you can see rashs that look like bruises, some do look like finger marks.

It’s not a rash, and she’s not crawling yet. It’s multiple little bruises where there’s four on one side and one on the other, like a hand mark.

I can’t prove it’s him but I do feel that it’s likely. I have witnessed him do the exact same thing before and he regularly hurts his other siblings (but they’re bigger than him and old enough to tell us).

OP posts:
ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 14:20

At 6yo he could have a good and firm telling off. That is completely unacceptable. And tell him that you will be watching him. He needs to be aware that you all are watching him in case he tries other things that are less visible.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:23

This is exactly how I dealt with it last time (minus telling his mum) and I thought it worked which is why I was happy to see them playing together. Clearly it hasn’t worked.

SS often gets time by himself with an adult. The only times he’s been around the baby this weekend, we’ve all been there. The other SC are really great with the baby and I trust them (they have a younger sibling at their mum’s too).

OP posts:
ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 14:23

Also it's impossible to never leave them alone for a second so making him aware that you know what he is doing. This isn't a 3/4yo where you have to take responsibility for watching him, he is big enough to not have to watch him constantly.

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:23

Sorry that was to @NC10125

OP posts:
ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 04/03/2025 14:24

You need to watch her like a hawk and set up some RING cameras in areas of your house where he might be with her alone, albeit very briefly, or just out of your line of sight. Make sure your husband talks to him so that he is aware that you are aware, if that makes sense. It might shock him into not ever doing it again.

The problem with something like this is that it's going to be VERY difficult to prove it's not you if it happens again, so you need to be 100% vigilant in future. And do what you can to make him feel as included and loved as possible so he has less reason to be jealous.

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 14:25

I would tell his mum as well as the nursery. If he is intentionally and slyly hurting the baby then that's serious stuff.

Whoarethoseguys · 04/03/2025 14:26

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:12

There’s never time when he’s fully alone with her but, thinking back to the weekend, there were times when she was playing on the floor and he went to play with her when we weren’t directly supervising because we were talking to the other children or setting the table, for instance. There was never a time when we weren’t in the same room.

I thought it was nice that they were getting along and that he was trying to be a good big brother.

I’m so, so angry with him.

Wouldn't she cry though if he hurt her and surely you would have heard it.

Yellowsunbeams · 04/03/2025 14:27

I wouldn't have him in the house. He regularly hurts his other siblings. He is just following form by hurting the baby. This is not the first incident and the only result of the previous telling off is that he now has to be sneakier to get to the baby. Your priority must be the baby.

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 14:27

I don't think watching the baby like a hawk and installing cameras is sustainable. He can just become more discreet at ways to hurt the baby. Speak to him directly about it and make it known that everyone is watching him and he will be in very big trouble.
At 6 yo he knows what he is doing

Original poster
GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:27

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 14:20

At 6yo he could have a good and firm telling off. That is completely unacceptable. And tell him that you will be watching him. He needs to be aware that you all are watching him in case he tries other things that are less visible.

He will 100% deny it, and even more so if he’s told off. We don’t have them until next week now so any opportunity for immediate consequences has gone.

Relations with his mum aren’t good so if we told her she would unquestionably support him.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 04/03/2025 14:27

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:23

This is exactly how I dealt with it last time (minus telling his mum) and I thought it worked which is why I was happy to see them playing together. Clearly it hasn’t worked.

SS often gets time by himself with an adult. The only times he’s been around the baby this weekend, we’ve all been there. The other SC are really great with the baby and I trust them (they have a younger sibling at their mum’s too).

I think you absolutely do need to speak to his mum, especially if there is a baby at her house as well. You caught him hurting the baby. He has form for hurting his other siblings, and this is an ongoing issue. I don’t know why you thought hurting the baby would just go away with one conversation. Being on the same page in both houses and making sure both babies are safe is paramount surely.

I saw you mentioned he is high needs. So I know this is all incredibly difficult, and you must have so many very valid emotions, but honesty between both houses is the only way to help all the children.

NiftyKoala · 04/03/2025 14:28

This is absolutely not ok. You will have to watch him like a hawk. Your DH needs to get tough on this. Your baby cannot defend themselves.