I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

It’s not whataboutary. What matters is what is the appropriate course of action for a child who is suspected - but cannot be known - to have done that to a sibling.

I just don’t know if it’ll work or if he’ll resent the baby and want to hurt her more. I’ve always been more inclined to give SS the benefit of the doubt, and empathy, because I know he struggles. He’s regularly sent to his room for hurting his bigger siblings and it seems to make little lasting difference (I suspect because lashing out is his usual pattern of behaviour at his mum’s).

I’m absolutely heartbroken that he’s behaving like this.

Pressure can cause bruises without necessarily having that sharp ouch feeling at the time it happens.

I had three under 3
Since about Age 2 the middle one would hurt the other two .
By age ten ,he had trapped one of their hands in a fire door , splitting the thumb in half ,..put a pillow over one of their heads and sat on their face , repeatedly smacked their head in to a radiator by holding their hair .
These and more, were despite us doing our up most to never leave him alone with either child ..
When we were both home it was manageable,but when my husband was at work it was really really hard keeping the other two safe .
I totally understand how you must feel.
Despite what my middle child was doing,I still loved him.
I just came on to say I do understand and it is a really difficult situation,and all you can do is watch your little one like a hawk,never leave him alone with her .
I used to have to hide my youngest child in different places to nap so he couldn't find him.
Hopefully this will all blow over for you really soon .
My son got diagnosed with autism and learning difficulties,and I still can't leave him alone with my youngest ..

What I’d do if he was my own child, who lived with me full-time, is being consistent on rules and expectations, reward charts, exercise, good diet and sleep, structured days…

But I can’t put that in place on the twelve days a fortnight he’s not in my house. And clearly doing it for the two days we do have him, is making little difference.

I’m sorry you’ve been through that. SS has never seriously hurt his older siblings, and they do wind him up sometimes too, but it seems I do need to take it more seriously.

You really need to get to the bottom of this. If he keeps turning up to nursery with bruises that look like they are from fingers they will make a referral to social services.

Concentrate on keeping your baby out of reach when SS visits. That is all you can practically do - no amount of talking, explaining, praising, rewards etc is going to change a very determined young mindset. I’m not sure why you are resistant to using indoor cameras, he does not need to know they are there and if he spots them, you don’t have to say anything other than ‘because I like them’.

Again, this is great for Take A Break article headline, but not really much use when the child is part of the family.

I would leave and take the baby . Is this worth it , really ? Protect your child , they are your priority- not some child that isn’t your flesh and blood . Stuff that . I expect these issues will get worse and you’ve got a chance to her out . Could you do that ? This kid could end up doing SERIOUS harm .

Sending to his room is clearly not working. He needs support and people communicating with him. Why does he want to hurt his siblings? I am guessing he has a lot of blood/step siblings so that can be difficult.
This is why I think you should ask the school for support. Mention what has happened, nursery have noticed marks on little ones legs, you cannot be sure but think it is SS. Can they provide any therapy to help him? Social and emotional TA support?

He was the middle one of 3 under 3 so all really close in age ..but usually went for the one younger than him ,and later when I had another baby ,( stupidly thinking things were better ) he went for that child as well.
No amount of star charts or stickers made any difference.
There was no CAMHs in those days ,so he saw a child phycologist,we read the explosive child book ,that was recommended to us ..
It's difficult because you can't get him seen by CAMHS ,..but maybe his dad could ..
I think if it continues to be a problem,you could ask the school for a TAC meeting or TAF as they were when we had them ..and get everyone on the same page ..mum would need to be involved and co operating ..from there a CAMHS appointment.
You have a 6 year gap there ,..he could definitely inflict some damage on a baby if he was so inclined.
Good luck

Can you remove yourself and the baby from the house when he's there?
That way he maintains his relationship with his father, but has no opportunity to harm.

Who else would it be with small bruising hand prints that are the same size as his hands?
Six year olds can be strong for size.

This is very difficult exactly because he is not in your home enough for more structure to have impact. I would say, that when contending with a very permissive mother, even 50:50 isn’t enough. I know through experience.

Your husband needs to at least try to set aside the acrimony with his ex and discuss their sons behaviour, agree on how they will address it. I’m not suggesting all the acrimony stems from him, just that this is serious enough that he must hold firm when dealing with her.

You continue to prioritise your baby and keep her safe.

Seems like a great way to live . I couldn’t live like that .

Invest in some cameras, both to confirm or disprove your theory, and for insurance. I've seen friends get into a lot of trouble with social services when they didn't know how their child was injured.

The 100% only solution that will be acceptable to social care is you being vigilant and keeping them apart.
Sorry. It will be their view that you are the adult & must be responsible.

It's not you we're talking about though is it.

The reason he’s hurting his big siblings is for attention, basically. It happens when they’re not paying attention to him. Him lashing out at school is for the same reasons. He struggles with appropriate social behaviour with peers and has no best friends. If he was mine, I’d have him in sports and Cubs to make friends and encourage play dates, but he’s not here enough.

The reason he’s hurting his baby sister? I suspect jealousy because the baby gets more attention, particularly from me.

I think you’re right about speaking to the school.

Are people really excusing this behaviour because he is 6? I have a 5 year old and I would come down so hard on them the moment I found out that they had purposely hurt a baby (mine or otherwise) that they would never even consider doing it again. 6 year olds understand what they are doing ffs.. this isn’t acceptable behaviour no matter what changes they have gone through.

You have to prioritise your little one OP . Don’t listen to the poster trying to gaslight you .

@GreenPinkLilac Sounds like stepson is a hot potato child, passed from pillar to post with zero consistency and good strong boundaries.

Far from ideal.

Sounds like he has no solid grounded home where he can relax abs feel safe , hence the attachment to you and jealousy of your children.

I agree with this . It also always gets excused if it is a child from a first family doing it( on mumsnet that is). Mumsnet hates step mums .