I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

The child’s hand sized bruise marks and previously been witnessed doing this are reasonable evidence. As is the fact he continues to hit older siblings and get in trouble at school for violent acts, despite various telling offs. Repeating again, baby wouldn’t necessarily cry from squeezing - as she did not cry when this was witnessed the first time either.

I think confronting him without saying you didn’t see it could be an option. It has happened before, and you know it has happened again. But this time baby has bruises. Does he want to admit anything? Does he feel an apology is necessary? See where it goes from there.

I’m surprised he’s squeezing her hard enough to leave bruises and she’s not crying? Might be worth getting her checked over/bloods done just incase there is an issue.
Like others have said you can’t leave them alone together even if you’re in the room if you believe he is blocking your line of sight in order to do it, and still ensuring he is getting ample 1:1 time to ease any jealousy if that is the issue.
Now that you’re aware this seems to be an ongoing pattern of behaviour, any further incidents may be chalked up as inadequate supervision because you’re on notice that your little one is possibly being hurt by her sibling.

It is not his home though, its his Dad's home that he visits

You don’t know for sure so pls be careful accusing him. Might be something else causing it.

Similar happened to my friend. She had 2 boys, older was diagnosed SEN. Older boy bit younger badly on arm. Teeth marks, bruises. Mum reported it to nursery on drop off. Nursery reported - IIRC the nursery contacted family GP who confirmed situation and asked for a visit s younger child.

A few weeks later, older child bit younger on the face, I saw it, it was awful. Mum held younger out of nursery til it healed. To avoid humiliation of child with bite on face.

She hired an after school helper to look after younger while she looked after older. She also used to take younger into bathroom with her when she showered/ used toilet if her DP wasn’t home (they had a system w iPad and headphones). Also younger could lock self room but mum could open.

OP - you need to think of defense strategies to prevent ever being alone together. Take the bouncy seat everywhere

There were awful injuries and some epic danger situations. Social care aware but offered no help.

OP you and his dad need to sit him down and speak to him. He is old enough to have a conversation with about this as long as you use child friendly language (I.e. simple and straight forward)
You said he will absolutely deny it. Try and teach him that it’s better to be honest about his behaviour so that you can correct it.
You don’t know for definite it was him, although I agree it seems likely. You both need to sit him down and try and get to the bottom of it. Something along the lines of “we won’t be cross because it’s important that you are honest with us”
then if he admits it, ask him calmly why he does it. He may not know or give an answer but try and ask him a series of questions that aren’t too leading to get to the bottom of it.

NOT the same thing at all but when my DS was that age, he tried to escape from school and got a telling off for it (he didn’t get far!) they told us so we decided to ask him, calmly, about what he did and why he did it. He explained the whole thing to us (we praised him for being honest) and then asked him why. He explained that he didn’t like school any more because it was too hard. What he meant by that was, he wasn’t used to not getting everything perfect first time. I spoke to him about trying his best and that school should be hard sometimes otherwise he wouldn’t ever learn (more detail than that but you catch my drift) and we never had another incident like it.

If he is hurting the baby, it’s not like he is a psychopath or anything - he is 6! He is likely frustrated or upset about something and doesn’t want to talk about it in case he gets told off. Give him a chance to explain how he feels

Last time he denied it until I said I saw him and it was moments after it happened. I think he’s more likely to tell me the truth than his dad because his dad’s more likely to shout at him. He will double down on a lie though, and given that a couple of weeks will have elapsed when we see him next, I fully believe he’d deny it.

The fact is I can’t prove it, but I’m 95% sure he's done this.

This! And previous posters are suggesting banning the poor kid from the house, that's really going to help him adjust to having two new younger siblings in a short space of time! 🙄

I'm a huge advocate for protecting children from sibling on sibling violence but this is one proven incident, there is obviously going to be some feeling of resentment from the poor kid and now people want him to feel further excluded.

Those wanting him banned from the house, would you say that if the 6 year old was OPs kid too? Nope. Should his mum ban him from her house too? Ridiculous suggestion at this stage.

And we have worked on him lying a LOT, for YEARS. Same as for his lashing out and his anger management and his concentration…

As well as being furious, I’m also so sad. I know he’s a hurt little boy who needs structure and love and reassurance, but I can’t give him enough of that to make an impact when we only have him every other weekend and half the holidays. And I can’t have him hurting my baby.

Exactly, he was clearly a baby himself when his dad got with someone else and had a new baby. Does his dad spend time 1 on 1 with him? kids need that attention, especially from their biological dads. It is so hard on step children and I feel so sorry for them having to navigate these decisions their families make, with their undeveloped brains. Especially when their dad has wasted no time moving on after breaking up from his mum. Sorry, but I actually feel sorry for the poor little mite. Oh, and I think if you are telling him off and sending him to his room - as you say - you should definitely be telling his mum. If a step dad was telling a 6 year old girl off and sending her to her room etc, I would think he was not handling a sensitive 6 year old well, just because you are a women, the people on mumsnet let it all slide. The boy may or may not be hurting his sibling, but maybe you need to calm down and handle things differently. Maybe his dad can make a real fuss of him alone, take him out, spoil him. In my experience dads who move on rarely spend 121 time with their kids, they leave it all to the woman, and - let's be honest - you don't love him, because he isn't yours. You are 'so,so angry' at him. That is not the feeling you should have about a step child. Maybe you should have a bit more empathy about everything the poor little sod's been through in his 6 years, and don't see him for a while, not if you are so angry at him. Also, you should tell his mum, because I think - sorry but I mean this - that you shouldn't see him for a while with your anger and I suspect that's the real reason you aren't telling her, because you know she's have a go at you. You aren't his parent. You've clearly made your mind up he's to blame anyway.

Some of these responses though 'don't let him in the house', 'call SS'. Ridiculous. But predictable.

You can't ban him from your house anymore than the mother can ban him from hers he's as much a child of the family as the baby is.

Given he was caught doing exactly the same thing before, and he is doing it to other children I think he needs an assessment and a counsellor/family therapy. This kind of behaviour needs to be addressed.

In your place his father would be taking him out for the whole weekend pretty much. Your dh needs yo completely take over his son’s care when he visits preferably mostly outside the house so you can relax. His mother needs to be informed, and the school and potentially SS as you don’t need an investigation being triggered because of this.

The fact is this is quite rare amongst full siblings whom usually take the lead looking after the baby at this age, and enjoy being ‘in charge’ but even if they were living together full time I would be devising a timetable and strapping the baby to me. You have to protect the baby, that is your first duty.

It is ultimately up to dh and his mother how they handle this, but I wouldn’t be allowing this to take place in my house, no.
Buy a membership for a farm play place or a gym with lots of children’s facilities and dh will have to take him there on his weekends. At night I would be keeping the baby with me.

Ban him from your house, your baby is more vulnerable and consequences may be catastrophic in the future.

Your SS can see his dad away from the house.

You need to take prompt action and quickly because it is not a risk worth taking due to the SS jealousy.

I’d get a camera in a teddy bear or something. You’re 95% sure. That 5% could throw an absolute grenade in your relationship with your partner and his son.

Why isn't it his home? Surely the home of his father is his home too?

I think you need to go to the GP. How hard would a 6 year old have to squeeze to leave a bruise? If the child didn't cry then it can't have been that hard? Maybe there's something underlying. If not then at least you've checked.

They could end up being investigated by SS for child abuse, of course they have to take action.

...and people wonder why step children often feel unloved, unwanted and like a burden. What a horrible attitude.

Oh come off it, I’m allowed to be angry at anyone purposefully hurting my tiny baby.

And before you get fully into the stepmum bashing, his mum had an affair then left with another man when he was under one. Then I met them. His mum then moved hundreds of miles away without telling his dad and enrolled his siblings in school, as this was during Covid there was a massive court backlog and they were deemed settled. My SC love me and I love them. Not every stepmum is Lady Tremaine.

My dad and mum got divorced when I was 2, I have visited him at his new house but it was never MY home, I was the visitor

I would not have a violent child around my baby

This.

If professionals see hand marks they will rightly so report to SS.
What a horrible little boy.

The OP has clearly stated she is not crawling or mobile.

@Pigcasso

"My dad and mum got divorced when I was 2, I have visited him at his new house but it was never MY home, I was the visitor

I would not have a violent child around my baby"

I think that's really sad though that you were made to feel like that and I don't think children should be made to feel like a visitor in their own parent's house

He sounds like he has got a lot of issues. You are pretty sure he hurt the baby and he has hurt his siblings in the past. You say there have also been some incidents at school (again in the past which have been dealt with). He tells lies, especially to his dad.

You need to come up with a plan with his dad for how you will deal with this in your home. What will the consequences be if he hurts someone and tells lies?
Also has dad spoken to school about this or does he leave that to the mum? I think this boy needs support, whether he has some sen need or not, he should at least be on their radar in terms of support. There are things like play therapy which could help him manage emotions for example.

When talking to SC, be open they react badly to “defensive” behavior. Show you have nothing to hide and tell them strategy you have for being more watchful. That you will not leave them alone.
Invite them to speak to SC. Usually they get nothing from kids as kids don’t open up to strangers carrying a bag full of paper.