I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

A good therapist can work through the sibling issues with play, and this might well resolve with age.

Dh could take him camping, to forest school and use the time with his son really well - away from the house so you don’t have to stay on guard the whole time op.

I think you are wrong to call him a horrible little boy.
He is clearly struggling. There is a new baby in dad's house and it sounds like a newish sibling at his mum's.
I think he needs help with emotions, and that the parents need to seek support to help him rather than banning him from their home (rejection this proving he is unloved).

If he’s causing bruising on the baby then I wouldn’t have him there if dh isn’t there and you’re spreading yourself thinly between the 4 dc. Social services can and do remove non mobile babies for a single bruise.

Thing is, you're looking out for and wanting to protect your baby. Who is doing that in the other house if the mum always takes his side? It's more than just your baby being injured.

SC’s mum is not on the same page as us at all when it comes to behaviour and discipline and it’s very hard to know what goes on in their house other than what older SC tell us. I don’t believe he’s hurt the younger sibling there as the older SC haven’t mentioned it.

We have been fully involved with the school when incidents have been raised, including asking them to schedule joint meetings with us and their mum to ensure we’re aligned on behaviour, but it only works as far as the school doors. They changed schools last year because she moved and his behaviour has been better since, with only one major incident. This school is firmer and we’re happy with it.

As you’re only 99% sure it’s him I’d just put a camera in the living room for the time being, while also making sure they’re never alone together (I know they weren’t, but still).

He’s only 6 himself and being jealous of a new baby isn’t unheard of but it still doesn’t give him the right to do it.

I would ask SS to help you with a task and make him feel important. Explain to him that the baby keeps hurting herself and getting bruises and you need him to help with the important job of keeping her bruise free. Make him feel important and actively take part in keeping her safe.

“If it really wasn’t you who hurt baby, and it couldn’t have been anyone else, I have no choice but to keep baby with me at all times to stop her being hurt again. This means we can’t have 1:1 time together. Baby has no voice to tell me who did this, and she needs protecting. Do you agree baby should not be hurt, SS?”

Yeah I wouldn't be letting Damien step over my threshold again.

Don't give any fucks if my husband or whoever was like 'but he's family, but he's just a child, but he's blah blah blah'

Hell nah. My motherly instinct overrides any of that shit. I'll protect and defend me and mine at the cost of my marriage, money, house, people's feelings and relationships.

Fuck that.

It really is !
Especially hard enough to leave bruising in shape of hand marks.

Id be very concerned about escalation regarding hurting the baby.

CCTV cameras or I’d be wanting to leave to protect the baby.

Full siblings can do this to each other, try not to panic, or listen to anyone telling you to ring social services or ban him from the house. Luckily you've got more sense than that. Basically, he's hurting, but you know this.

I think what I would do, as well as accepting that I was feeling really upset because this was upsetting, would be to get a second hand buckle carrier so I could chuck the baby on my back when I wasn't able to have eyes on her, cooking, setting the table, folding washing, whatever.

I would also tell him that baby has bruises on her, and nursery have noticed and that nursery is there to help parents look after children and they get upset like families do if children get hurt. Nursery are worried and wondering where they came from, because parents can get in really big trouble if it's thought they are hurting their babies and children. Ask him if he can help you look after the baby, as you're all a family and have look after each other and keep each other safe.

I think anything stronger at this point could cause him to feel ashamed and double down, I'd be concentrating on bringing him in, not othering him and sending him away. Time in, not time out, as it were. Good luck.

@GreenPinkLilac Who else in the household has small pinching hands capable of bruising a vulnerable baby..

Wake up and protect your baby!

Some mental responses on here! It's one incident and one possible incident, from a child who is clearly feeling something bigger than they can handle at the meager age of six. He's not a tiny psychopath!

OP personally feel the most important and impactful thing you can do is align on your response with your step son's mother.

Appreciate the relationship between parties might make that hard, but if you can raise the issue so she's aware, and forge a way to land on a consistent approach to both handling your SS's outbursts and how you will respectively support with his feelings, that could really help.

Otherwise, keep being consistent in how you respond to situations yourselves. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and will learn that certain rules go in your home.

No game changing advice on keeping your baby safe, other than perhaps using a sling (if she's not too big at one)?

My brother was like this with me when I was a baby. He was often told to leave me alone. It transpires now that he felt very jealous of of mum's attention of me. Unfortunately it escalated around age 5, he was moved into a children's home, as he was considered a danger to me. I still remember it well. I felt extremely vulnerable, and I don't trust people because of it. I honestly think you should stop having him around your baby, as it will damage them mentally in the long run. Keep him away.

Well that's nice, but what happens when your husband, who is the father of the child and the baby decides he feels the same?

He is family. He is a child. This is his home. These are facts, not opinion.

It's all very well going all Jeremy Kyle and kicking lucifer to the kerb, but this is is home, OP is the adult and this needs dealing with.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is tough for everyone. Not quite the same but when my kids were little, my nephew would always pinch and bite my son (same age). He'd leave marks. I would comment to the parents, and it would be brushed away by the MIL and SIL, until I had to monitor like a hawk at family events. Winding forward the boy had lots of issues undiagnosed at school; he was very dyslexic and had other learning problems, which was causing him huge frustration at school, and out of it. He's grown up into a really lovely young man, with a lot of patience and love. What I do remember is that while my lioness was blazing I was furious with him, and compassion did not come easily, but looking back on it he was just a frustrated, angry little boy, whose parents had no idea what was going on for him at school. Might be an idea for the dad to get him checked out with the school or GP, and see if there is anything going on outside of both your homes that is making him so frustrated.

Agreed.

Realistically, it is not going to be possible to watch him 100% of the time. Life just doesnt work that way. You and his dad and hopefully his mum need to talk to him in an age appropriate way and tell him this is not ok. I would put up cameras in the house, and monitor. If there is any repeat, he will not be able to be at the house in the same way he is at the moment. You may also want to give him positive attention for helping his sister and making her happy.

I don't understand how you know it was "SS?

How do you know he was applying too much pressure when you stopped him holding the baby's leg, presumably there were no bruises at that time

Even if he denies it by speaking to him he knows you know.

For the pp saying why didn't the baby cry, have you never noticed a massive bruise on yourself and have no idea how it could happen, no recollection of hurting yourself?

Bruises don't always mean pain.

He could have done it whilst making her laugh or playing with her so she's distracted and doesn't notice the pressure eon her legs.

Op what is happening about him hurting his older siblings?

Oh for God's sake. What if the 6 year old was also yours, where would you send him, for adoption?

I think you need to tske that baby to the doctor to msjr sure there is no medical condition. As the baby showed no signs of discomfort. I think you need to be open to the idea that it is something or someone else.

It wouldn't be my problem if my husband or stepchild or whoever else took issue.

Either my baby gets abused and emotionally damaged by my stepchild or my stepchild gets emotionally damaged by not being in my house as a result of his own actions.

Id choose my baby every time. Don't even have to think about it. Stepchilds mum's motherly instincts can protect her own child with therapy or a exorcism or whatever the child needs. Dad is free to agree or leave or see him outside the home

Like I said, my motherly instincts override that of any other child or adult.

I don't care if the person is 6, 16 or 36. You will not harm my child.

Separate them by making sure your baby is always with you. You can't just banish the stepson. Some of the responses on here are downright cruel. Yes of course you can't have your baby being hurt, so you take care of your baby more closely. Baby-wear them if you're busy. You can't put all the responsibility for this on the child, poor lad.

Does he give very tight hugs? Does he grab other children in play in ways that are too hard? Does he take play fighting too far?
There is such a thing as having a sensory need which involves not feeling physical pressure in the same way as other children. It would go along with a diagnosis of something like autism. It could be that he is experimenting with this (I know it sounds bad) because he genuinely can’t put himself in another kid’s shoes, much less the baby’s. He’s seen adults squeeze a chubby leg or a cheek and is doing the same but much harder because his sense of touch when it comes to pressure isn’t the same.

Its just a thought.

A few other suggestions:

• talk to his dad about reaching out to his school and start a conversation about his behaviour and needs.
• provide heavy activities like lifting, trampolining, physical play, stress balls when he is at your house.
• look at getting a sling/wrap for the baby for short periods so she is off the floor when he is on the floor.
• look at local charities that offer family support, especially to blended families.
• involve him in an activity like making footprint paintings with the baby. They can paint each others feet and make a picture together (closely supervised).