I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

Sorry @Katbum I meant to quote @Tandora

No of course they aren’t legally bound. Biological parent, step parent, or not, You can be a total arsehole to anyone , including any child, as long as you don’t break the law.
i was expressing an opinion about what people are bound to do by principles of common decency. It’s not about being a woman, it’s about being an adult, And a decent human being. when setting and enforcing boundaries, step parents are bound by obligation to consider how these actions affect the wellbeing of all the members of the family/ children in the household, and not just themselves/ their own children. Regardless of your own personal feelings, you should understand that the wellbeing of all the children in the family is of equal importance and worth. It’s monumentally selfish and irresponsible to behave otherwise. And it causes very real and lasting harm to a lot of children.

Is nursery not involving safeguarding? I'm astonished if they are not. Child turns up with bruises which, at best, are caused by a jealous half siblings, at worst, by someone else (because they only have your word for it).

The boy needs help - CAMHS referral - and ASAP. And your daughter needs protection from him.

In my view it is monumentally selfish to leave a relationship where there are children and subject them to the pain and insecurity of a broken home

I don’t think it’s automatically selfish to leave a relationship that isn’t working. A lot of children are actually happier after their parents split- it’s incredibly difficult to live in an unhappy household. And I don’t think it’s fair at all to call all separated families “insecure” and “broken homes”. Some blended families are beautiful and happy places for children to grow up and some nuclear families are toxic- it all depends on the people involved- all of them. I agree it’s totally selfish of a parent to re-partner and have more children with a person who is always going to treat their child like an inconvenience/ second class member of the household; but I don’t think that absolves the step parent/ partner for their own choices and actions. Both adults are responsible for each of their parts.

I’ve not read the full thread but I’m quite shocked at the accusations to ss with no evidence except an incident that happened when he was 3 months old so 9 months ago. A lot changes in nine months as older children grow to accept and bond with their younger siblings.

Could the problem be, he’s not seeing you and dad enough? It’s likely he is jealous your new baby is seeing you both regularly and he only gets to come sometimes.

When I was a child (even old that 6), I would pinch my cousin whenever I would see her. I was 100% jealous of her because she lived with my grandma and saw her every day and I didn’t. My grandma was my favourite person so it was really difficult to navigate my feelings and be able to express them so I resorted to hurting the person I was jealous of.

The silver lining is, my cousin and I are the best of friends now!

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for all of you!

You could try setting up a system of rewards? If no-one hurts their baby sister, there'll be a treat (whatever works: ice-cream, pizza, trip to swings, special video to watch?) but ONLY if no-one hurts the baby. (Hard look at culprit: Is that clear, [name]? ) remind him two or three times a day, when he's with you. Hopefully, he will understand that squeezing the baby has unacceptable consequences...

I have a similar issue with my nieces, the middle one hurts my son. She is 7 and my son 3 and she has been doing this since he was about 9 months.
she is always sly about it, looks out the corner of her eye to see if we are looking before hurting him.

the first time I caught her squeezing his leg when I was taking a photo for them all together, you could see her knuckles white and fingers bent where she was digging them into his leg.

My partner doesn’t take his eyes off of her when they come round and then when she says the dog pushed him or he tripped we call her out and say we were watching and we saw you do xyz…. This seems to have stopped the behaviour most of the time. Now my son can talk he shouts XX do not touch me, pinch me, push me…. Etc as we have taught him to speak up and say it very loudly if some thing happens he doesn’t like which again has helped as now he calls her out she is thinking of other ways I’m sure of how to hurt him. But I still try my hardest not to let them be alone… very hard to do.

our son didn’t cry when she used to her him either so it’s hard and like you said it’s hard to always have your eye on them.

I call her out on her behaviour, talk about it and then exclude her if she is to continue. I also now have a set of rules they have to follow or they are no longer allowed to come round for dinner etc. Abit harder for you as it’s a step child.

That. Absolutely that. Do NOT leave him alone with baby. Baby needs to be attached to you when SC are around.

Also, you need to tell him firmly but not accusingly that the nursery wrote an incident report on the fact there were finger marks and that they will start asking question if baby gets hurt again. That you hope it never happens again so that no one gets in trouble.
You also need to explain that for these marks to be there, it must have been hard and hurtful for baby and that that makes you really sad and angry because you love your baby like you love them and you don’t want anything like that to happen again.

Gosh, I understand your anger.

Good luck 🌺

Whilst we dont know for sure it is him that has done this. I'm a psychologist- He's experiencing big feelings, likely feeling unloved -given what the poor little boy has been through- mum running off with someone and having a baby, moving house, dad leaving and having a baby with someone else. It must be incredibly confusing for a little boy aged 6. He struggling to feel emotinally secure and loved. I know a friend who at the age of 6 also hurt baby relatives when their baby sibling was born as they felt huge jealousy - they are now a doctor and a well adjusted member of society. It is quite common for children of this age to react to jealousy in this way. I agree you need to monitor them both together until he feels more secure about his place in his family. The little boy also needs lots of love shown and discussions about feeling jealous and extra attention and love from his parents as well as the extra attnetiob you are giving. He is likely to be feeling pushed out. The throwing thungs occasiobally at ikder siblings sounds quite different and likely a reaction to all the instibility and confused feelings making it harder for him to tolerate frustration. He may benefit from play therapy to help him adjust to all the instability/changes in his home life. He needs lots of care and time talking about his big feelings whilst warmly and firmly explaining it is not ok to hurt the baby.i hope it all works out well.

I wouldn't have her around my child tbh

At 6 He knows he will hurt her, and my guess he is doing it for attention when you're busy
It's not always possible to watch him like a hawk, but I would send him to another room if you're busy or try DD in a sling for a while
Nursery will report any marks on baby as a safeguarding risk
I know my own DS2 was reported as he had scratches on his face inflicted by DS1 more than once... eventual SS involvement years later meant DS1 was removed for the safety of his brothers

Take him to the baby with your DH there, ask him to open his hand up and put it on the bruises. If it fits its hi.. he will know you know he did it. You ask him outright and now you punish him. You cannot talk to a little kid they dont have the emotional maturity to understand that's why this is a repeated behaviour. Yes you can tell him its horrible hurting the baby, his sister. You can ask him how he'd feel if he was the baby and his big brother did that to him. But you must punish him.

I dont know if he is jealous or if he has a more complex issue, but you cannot leave the baby anywhere near him without direct supervision no matter how busy you get. In fact, delegate work to him e.g. get him to set the table etc so you can supervise the kids.

Good luck I hope he grows out of it but honestly that nastiness needs redirecting strongly.

This. Also the incident in question sounded ambiguous, and OP has said that his interactions with the baby that she has observed have been positive since

Bravo x 1000

Please intervene asap before this turns into something more sinister, tell his dad also

What a difficult and horrible situation for her. As you have hinted at, if he is squeezing her and smiling at the same time, the mixed message alone might ward off crying unless it became extremely painful. Is your baby little enough to carry around in a sling by you and her dad, aside from those moments when you can be extra vigilant?

It sounds like an additional worry here could be your SS continuing to be violent as he grows older, since he seems to like hurting others in all his spaces. Despite the “poor little boy, don’t be angry” posts, it’s not normal for a 6 year old to be violent with his siblings, including a small baby (a 2 or 3 year old, but not a 6 year old) and also violent at school. It’s a depressing thought, but you could have your hands full with him over many years.

You could be looking at two separate issues here. Firstly what SS is doing and secondly why your baby isn't crying. You should get her checked out she could be anemic or have some problem that causes her to bruise easier. She may also have a very low pain threshold which could indicate other issues. So personally I'd be getting this checked out. Regarding your SS I'd be talking to your partner and bringing this up with his mum she needs to know especially if this puts her own younger children in the same kind of risk.

This

I would discuss the bruises with your GP. A simple blood test would tell if her blood does not clot as easily as it should. It does happen sometimes for some random reason for some people and they end up bruising easily.

I understand your pov but it's a cry for help from a poor little boy with no friends, his mother should be told so that she can arrange whatever additional help is needed as you have suggested.
It's a difficult situation

I really think you should talk to his mum about this. If he has a younger sibling at home, is this happening there too? If so it could point to a much deeper problem that may need professional help to deal with.

What if he is hurting her and leaving marks and it’s assumed that you or your husband are hurting the baby. I really think that for the sake of everyone this needs to be escalated.

If the nursery have picked up on it then there is probably cause for concern. I know that nursery's can be a bit overzealous sometimes but this is not something that you want them to escalate under any circumstances. My two older grandchildren have been caught being spiteful to their baby sister because they are jealous of her getting the necessary attention. So it's highly likely that this is the same with your SS. As another poster said set up cameras then you will be better prepared to deal with the actual facts whatever they are.

At six, he is old enough to know better. And he's being physically abusive towards his other siblings too. He either has serious psychological issues or he's an angry and frustrated little boy.

Let's hope it's the latter. He needs someone to have a serious chat on why he's so angry and frustrated; and why he hits his siblings. I'm not talking about a "keeping your hands to yourself" speech which I'd probably what he got at school but something more than that.

You also don't know what rubbish his Mum is putting in his ears about no longer being the baby of the family and that he won't be needed/wanted as you've a new baby now. He may also love the new baby and like squeezing her legs without realising he's hurting her. Why is he so desperately seeking your approval?