I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

Buts it's not her child is it? So my advice is tailored to her situation. Not a hypothetical situation that isn't hers.

Does he do the harm whilst she is fast asleep? Is he able to access a play therapist? Somethings going on here

I’m so, so angry with him

you don’t know it’s him.

he is 6.

This is what we have done. For months he’s been playing nicely with her under close supervision and being praised for it. He’s been referring to himself as “the best big brother” and cooing over her outfits and reading to her and trying to teach her tricks and looking to me for affirmation as he does it. Which is why it makes me feel so sick that he’s done it again.

I’m aware I can’t keep eyes on her constantly and I can’t stop him hurting her if he wants to. He will be able to evade cameras if he knows about them. And putting up secret cameras and waiting for him to hurt her is just a horrible thought.

It must be very difficult, OP. I do understand that you want to protect your baby but that said, your step-son is also yours and you need to look out for him too.

Can I ask you this? If your step-son were your biological child and everything else was the same. How would you handle this? What would you do as his mother? I think that is what you need to do - with his Dad's agreement - both of your as parents of this little boy because that is what you also are.

You say that his Mum is permissive and that your relationship isn't the best but your husband will have to do what's needed to help his young son come to safe terms with new, younger siblings and do that soon.

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From Hankunamatata, this did make me smile... My own husband tried to put his baby sibling in the bin back in the day.

Sibling rivalry is like nothing else.

@Epilepsystruggle

Aha. An exorcism. Right you are. Good luck with getting one of those on the NHS.

When it happened before there was a red mark immediately, and he admitted it when I said I’d seen him.

This.

you also need a “no touching” rule for him and a consequence every time he breaks that rule irrespective of whether it’s a gentle touch or not. he needs no learn no contact for now.

You need 2 parents in the room in general.
if one of you needs to leave baby goes with them (eg to toilet). If you for SOME reason are left alone with all of them you need to be physically holding the baby.

At not-yet-3 my dd knows pushing and hitting baby is wrong / naughty. At 6 he knows full well this is wrong.

i feel for you as this must be really upsetting but you need to get some very firm, very clear and very consistent rules and boundaries in place now.

i really recommend the “pilot system” essentialLay you or your husband is in charge of the baby at any one time. When you are in charge you literally say “I’m handing the baby over to you now. You are in charge of the baby okay?” And he says “yes” he then is in charge until he or you verbally confirm you are watching the baby again. This stops the we were both in the room but our attention was elsewhere.
if you are with the baby and water gets spilled. He is clearing it up .”- you are with the baby.
if you are solo the bigger kids clear it themselves or you do it in your own time while still focusing on the baby.

the lying don’t waste your time getting into it.
just say these are the new house rules and you can have different rules for each of the kids and even “rules with consequences” for the parents so it seems fair.

eg no shouting for dad. If he shouts he has to play kids game of choice for 15 mins etc

There’s nothing wrong with hidden cameras. You need to know whether he is trying to hurt her or not. He might not have hurt her.

Supervising him doesn’t address the underlying issues.

But he could be her child and most decent step parents try and treat SC as their own. So I ask again, if it was your 6 year old hurting your baby, what would you do?

I would put the baby in a play pen so if he wanted to hurt her he would have to physically go in to pull her out.

I would also tell him you have cameras in the house as the baby keeps hurting herself and you are trying to work out why and does he know anything about it. You will know by looking at face whether he is lying or not.

Why is a 6 year old left unsupervised with a baby. Sorry but this is on the adults in charge.

Honestly I don’t think that advice applies because I think a lot of his troubles stem from the fact that he has had to context switch frequently from a very young age. He has our house, his mum’s house, his maternal grandparents’, his mum’s boyfriend’s parents, frequent babysitters and all have different expectations and standards.

He has a lot of ADHD traits and I am worried for his future. He’s a very clever boy but finds it incredibly hard to listen to directions or to focus. I do think having a set routine would benefit him considerably to settle down but it’s just not going to happen.

But he could be her child and most decent step parents try and treat SC as their own. So I ask again, if it was your 6 year old hurting your baby, what would you do?

What is the point of this whataboutery?

The op wants a solution to a real life situation, not made up nonsense.

Then make sure he doesn't know where the camera is. I think the pp idea of ring camera, stand outside the door and rush in if it looks like anything untoward is going on.

It’s happened twice in eight months and it’ll have been two weeks by the next time we see him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s completely forgotten it happened by then.

Which is why it makes me feel so sick that he’s done it again.

you don’t know he’s done it again.
he is 6.

As someone who had a violent older brother and who was not prioritised or protected my feelings will be slanted. However, there is only so much you can prioritise SS when he is attacking all his siblings. The other children need to know they are safe in their own home. No diagnosis or telling them to just be understanding of Ss’s feelings makes up for their feeling terrorised.

You have gone the gentle softly softly approach, praising him for being so good with her. Making sure he doesn’t lose attention because upsetting him more might make him more violent. He needs to understand that while there is a risk he might act out in this way, with baby or older siblings, there will be severe precautions taken that he might not like. He needs to understand the safety of all the children in the home is more important than any one child.

It's not whataboutery, it's a crucial question as what you would do with dc is what you should do with sdc.

Bruises under the age of one might trigger a safeguarding concern and children’s services might get involved. Just saying.

i agree with keeping an eye on him and dealing with the behaviour through discussion/talking/spending time with him etc. teach him how to be loving towards her and praise him for that.

That sounds incredibly tough for a little boy to deal with. Are those changes 'set'? What I mean is, is there some sort of timetable for when he is to be with these different family members?

I think some children cope better than others. For some it's an adventure, for others it's akin to feeling like a parcel that doesn't belong anywhere. I think that you're doing your best, OP, but your focus is very much on your own baby, which is totally understandable. Who has their focus on this little boy?

It's not whataboutery, it's a crucial question as what you would do with dc is what you should do with sdc.

You know the role of step mum is different to mum. Op is limited because he doesn’t live there full time and besides, his mother supports him. So yes, it is whataboutery.

No it’s not set, and I have huge sympathy for him because it is really hard for him. His mum isn’t terrible, she is doing the best she can and loves them, but their house is, from what we know, a bit chaotic. But things are very acrimonious between her and my partner, she will never permit us to have more custody, and nothing she does is so bad that SC would be taken from her.

You don't actually know for sure. You strongly suspect but that's a different thing. He is your husband's child and I think you need to try to treat this as if he is your child. I find it triggering when my kids hurt each other but I can also have empathy with them (I'm not saying you don't I'm just saying this may be harder as a step parent when it's your own child being hurt by your step child). Watch very very carefully from now on. And if caught in the act then you can use something like this article to support the response https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby

Well done for spotting it and acting on it and thank goodness this is only bruises - children can act in an evil way out of jealousy. I never bought that what happened to Jeremy Hunt's little sister was an 'accident'.