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Original poster

I think SS is hurting my baby

315 replies

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:05

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

OP posts:
BoldAmberDuck · 06/03/2025 13:33

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 15:03

And we have worked on him lying a LOT, for YEARS. Same as for his lashing out and his anger management and his concentration…

As well as being furious, I’m also so sad. I know he’s a hurt little boy who needs structure and love and reassurance, but I can’t give him enough of that to make an impact when we only have him every other weekend and half the holidays. And I can’t have him hurting my baby.

The fact you keep referring to her as ‘my baby’ not ‘our baby’, suggests to me that you favour the baby all to yourself , and dad and his children don’t really get much of a say. Try including stepson as an equal to the baby and maybe the jealousy will lessen

BestDIL · 06/03/2025 14:58

Could he have crept into her room at night when everyone was asleep?

I would speak to all your SC when they arrive saying that DD had bruises and that they will be watched, making it obvious that you are speaking to 6yo.

tempname1234 · 06/03/2025 16:46

How do you know he’s not sneaking in to do this while baby is asleep. Either at night it early morning? Do you have a camera in the house?

Perhaps you should and tell the SS thst you have them as the baby has these bruises so you’re using them to monitor the baby to be sure no one can hurt the baby.

BreatheAndFocus · 06/03/2025 18:41

StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 20:01

What a difficult and horrible situation for her. As you have hinted at, if he is squeezing her and smiling at the same time, the mixed message alone might ward off crying unless it became extremely painful. Is your baby little enough to carry around in a sling by you and her dad, aside from those moments when you can be extra vigilant?

It sounds like an additional worry here could be your SS continuing to be violent as he grows older, since he seems to like hurting others in all his spaces. Despite the “poor little boy, don’t be angry” posts, it’s not normal for a 6 year old to be violent with his siblings, including a small baby (a 2 or 3 year old, but not a 6 year old) and also violent at school. It’s a depressing thought, but you could have your hands full with him over many years.

Show quote history

To me, the smiling shows spite, deceit and pleasure in causing the baby pain. That’s what’s disturbing. He seems to be enjoying hurting her.

I don’t agree with any of the ‘Aw, he just needs more and attention’. It sounds like he has plenty, including from the OP. This is something wrong in the child himself. It’s not jealousy of his siblings because he does it at school too. He needs to be told that he won’t be visiting the house if he can’t control himself. But mainly he needs the involvement of outside agencies to nip this in the bud. I know a similar child of a similar age, who has been referred for intervention due to violence. It’s so important to stop all this asap while he can still change.

Tandora · 07/03/2025 00:04

carchi · 06/03/2025 11:02

If the nursery have picked up on it then there is probably cause for concern. I know that nursery's can be a bit overzealous sometimes but this is not something that you want them to escalate under any circumstances. My two older grandchildren have been caught being spiteful to their baby sister because they are jealous of her getting the necessary attention. So it's highly likely that this is the same with your SS. As another poster said set up cameras then you will be better prepared to deal with the actual facts whatever they are.

If the nursery have picked up on it then there is probably cause for concern

well this is nonsense for a start. My tots nursery recorded it when she had a tiny scratch on her face courtesy of the cat 😆

Feelingtrapped100 · 07/03/2025 00:31

It sounds like he’s finding it hard to transition from being the baby to a big brother. You can’t be angry at him (or refuse to let him in the house). His dad needs to talk to him. Spend lots of time with him away from the new baby and make sure he knows how loved he is. Get some professional advice and also make him very aware that this is not gonna fly! Do check that it is definitely him before accusing him though.

Feelingtrapped100 · 07/03/2025 00:33

BreatheAndFocus · 06/03/2025 18:41

To me, the smiling shows spite, deceit and pleasure in causing the baby pain. That’s what’s disturbing. He seems to be enjoying hurting her.

I don’t agree with any of the ‘Aw, he just needs more and attention’. It sounds like he has plenty, including from the OP. This is something wrong in the child himself. It’s not jealousy of his siblings because he does it at school too. He needs to be told that he won’t be visiting the house if he can’t control himself. But mainly he needs the involvement of outside agencies to nip this in the bud. I know a similar child of a similar age, who has been referred for intervention due to violence. It’s so important to stop all this asap while he can still change.

Show quote history

This is ridiculous. He is a child.

StrikeAlways · 07/03/2025 01:01

BestDIL · 06/03/2025 14:58

Could he have crept into her room at night when everyone was asleep?

I would speak to all your SC when they arrive saying that DD had bruises and that they will be watched, making it obvious that you are speaking to 6yo.

The OP said she is still co-sleeping with the baby.

carchi · 07/03/2025 08:03

Tandora · 07/03/2025 00:04

If the nursery have picked up on it then there is probably cause for concern

well this is nonsense for a start. My tots nursery recorded it when she had a tiny scratch on her face courtesy of the cat 😆

Show quote history

Did you not read where I said that nursery's can be a bit overzealous at times ?
Everyone has different experiences of their reactions. I am sure a tiny scratch can be explained but bruising especially if it happens again could raise red flags. By the way I try not to give nonsense advice

Tandora · 07/03/2025 08:15

carchi · 07/03/2025 08:03

Did you not read where I said that nursery's can be a bit overzealous at times ?
Everyone has different experiences of their reactions. I am sure a tiny scratch can be explained but bruising especially if it happens again could raise red flags. By the way I try not to give nonsense advice

Show quote history

Fair enough. Sorry. I just think the nursery thing has been a bit exaggerated as they do record everything and OP has already said they do this however minor and light and that the bruises have already basically gone. I doubt nursery will be escalating this- just sounds like the usual admin procedure.

Arran2024 · 07/03/2025 18:15

Bruising is very different from a scratch. Bruising is always treated seriously in my experience. And do you know what, in this situation there actually IS a cause for concern.

RareTraybake · 08/03/2025 19:20

It sounds like he needs help from a professional. X

jrc1071 · 08/03/2025 19:26

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 16:00

I just don’t know if it’ll work or if he’ll resent the baby and want to hurt her more. I’ve always been more inclined to give SS the benefit of the doubt, and empathy, because I know he struggles. He’s regularly sent to his room for hurting his bigger siblings and it seems to make little lasting difference (I suspect because lashing out is his usual pattern of behaviour at his mum’s).

I’m absolutely heartbroken that he’s behaving like this.

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It could be your only alternative is to have him live with his mother. You must protect your family. There is no negotiating with terrorists, no matter what their age is.

CoralViewer · 09/03/2025 12:21

GreenPinkLilac · 04/03/2025 14:28

She’s got these bruises somehow over the weekend and hasn’t cried. She doesn’t have the strength to have done it to herself.

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If she's not been hurt enough to cry, is it worth getting her checked at the GP just in case there some underlying condition which means she is bruising very easily?

It's a really difficult situation- we had something a bit similar where there were a suspicious number of bumps when our older DS7 was alone with his toddler brother - without us seeing anything he'd deny having had anything to do with it. We set out that we suspected him of being, at best, careless and how easily small children can be seriously hurt, added in police/social work could get involved if children are not safe and probably over-egged it a bit on that front, but it has improved. With other children to care for it's just not possible to watch every single second, perhaps the older children could help make sure he's being 'gentle/careful' enough?

BreatheAndFocus · 09/03/2025 12:51

Feelingtrapped100 · 07/03/2025 00:33

This is ridiculous. He is a child.

Show quote history

Yes, he is - and so is the child I referred to who was assessed and referred to an outside agency for support. Have you not heard of early intervention?

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