I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

She’s got these bruises somehow over the weekend and hasn’t cried. She doesn’t have the strength to have done it to herself.

That's hard. My DH's brother was a nightmare and did stuff like that. When they got older (11/12) it escalated to him purposely hurting himself and he lied that his siblings did it! He was very high needs and one parent had to supervise him 100%of the time, like a hawk.

As an adult, he is a lovely lovely man (albeit a bit awkward). He has also been diagnosed with autism as an adult which explains a lot of his behaviour as a child/teen.

So in the past year he's gone from being the baby of two families to having two baby siblings usurp him.

If you look at his life, how many changes in relationships with the adults has he been through? What age was he when this happened?

It sound like he may need some play or family therapy to explore the feelings he has.

It sounds like he is feeling insecure about his position in the families, which may make him feel unloved.

I'm going to take a hard line here and say, you need to refer this to social services. AND you need to go to the GP about SS and ask for support with him.

IF this goes on and SS find out another way, you could be seen as being neglectful. If you instigate the report, you'll be seen as dealing with it, rather than being neglectful. And make sure it's in writing (email) so you've got evidence.

yeah i would ban him from the house, how on earth can you relax even for a minute

Bit of a derail but if she's 1 is she crawling / walking? Does she fall over / topple over / hurt herself at all and cry about it? Does she bruise easily?

It's surprising that a squeeze hard enough to bruise hasn't caused her to cry.

This is a worrying pattern of behaviour from a six year old. Don’t let him interact with the baby at all unless you are fully supervising. It takes seconds to hurt her. Get some pet cameras from Amazon and fully assess how often he is hurting the other children.

Is it definitely bruising from a hand?
There are a few conditions that result in bruising (ds had HSP for instance).
I’d possibly make a GP appointment to get her checked, just in case, but make sure ss can overhear that you’re very worried because the baby is either being hurt or could be ill.

I wouldn't have him in the house anymore if he can't be trusted to not hurt the baby

What is your husband's plan to stop him repeatedly attacking all his siblings?
You can't have your baby anywhere near him, but your husband must also safeguard his other two kids.

Agree with PPs suggestion to ask for help from social services or any agency similar, the nursery could report the injuries.
@Icanttakethisanymore the baby is not crawling yet.

He's hurting all the children in the house? Has he been assessed for SEN? It's not safe to have him in the house.

ok well you can't be angry with him. He is 6 years old. This situation is clearly a challenge for him.

You have to protect your baby. If you really want to check if it is him, you say nothing. You get a nanny cam or whatever. Just a phone on video record. You deliberately set it up so he is alone with the baby. But you are literally just outside the door. You tell him you'll be back a bit later. You stand outside the door and watch the camera. If he's in a habit of hurting her, he will try to do it now. At which point you immediately enter and stop him. And you also have video evidence of it.

Then, you decide how to deal with him and stop this. I don't personally think shouting at him etc will work. You need to establish the source of his motivation and feelings. He is also a very young child. You need to get some behavioral advice and of course, of course, you never let him for one second ever alone with her.

OP you must be so worried.
If nobody saw the recent indecent, and you say there’s multiple bruises too, keep a small benefit of the doubt he didn’t do it - one of my sons was endlessly covered in bruises on his legs when he started crawling, far more so once toddling - even now he’s still so bloody clumsy but his legs especially shins when he was a baby would always be bruised. But, of course given the past behaviour you definitely cannot rule out your SS either.

You can’t prove this one so rather than an accusation I’d sit him down with his dad and reiterate to him why it’s so important to be gentle with the baby. And then as others say never leave them alone, always have someone watching them. How often is SS at your home?

Surely she'd cry or at least squeal in shock if he hurt her so hard it would bruise?

At 1 she's prime age for falling over and off things she's climbed up. Mine always had little bruised at that ages- couldn't keep them out of mischief.

To postsrs saying he cant be allowed in the house. He's 6! This is his home too. You can't kick him out, what if he's doing it at his mum's house too, is he going to be made homeless?

I think you should have a chat with his mum, work out if its happening there with her little one and then come up with a strategy. You may need professional advice. In the meantime try to keep him away from the baby.

ah sorry - missed that, thank you

We can’t have cameras set up to cover the whole house and he must be doing it whilst blocking all of us from seeing, so he’d block the camera. I’m not up for letting her get hurt so we can get it on a secret camera or anything like that.

The hurting of his other siblings is more like tripping them up or throwing things at them which I’ve always viewed as annoying little brother stuff rather than something to worry about. He’s told off and sent for time out or to his room when it happens. His mum is quite permissive and I don’t think there’s a lot of consequences there. He’s also been in trouble for being violent and for invading space at school before, a couple of times, but nothing recent and I thought he’d learnt from it.

Just to add in, bruising formed from squeezing may not make the baby cry. It’s not a shock pain like a sudden hit. It may not even have been terribly painful. Some people do bruise easily and restricting the flow with squeezing can and will bruise. The baby wouldn’t necessarily cry, especially if they are quite tolerant of momentary discomfort.

He regular hurts his other siblings too? That sounds horrible. He’s old enough to know better. Has he been asked why he’s doing it? What happens when the older siblings tell you or your partner that he’s hurt them?

I think you need to be stricter and make it very clear that he’s not to hurt others. Frankly, I wouldn’t have him round and I’d make it clear that that would be the consequence if he ever hurt the baby or his other siblings again. This needs nipping in the bud now.

You mention him getting lots of adult 1 to 1 attention. Perhaps that’s part of the problem? Sometimes that can feed a child’s developing ego and confirm to them that they’re ‘the most important’. It can make them feel superior and thus behave nastily to their siblings.

What is dad doing about this?

Do you know whether he does similar to younger sibling at mum's?

As other's have said he has gained 2 younger siblings, split across houses, it is a lot for a child to cope with.

Assuming it is the 6 yr old he is obviously very jealous and insecure.

Not the same but I have sen kids. I had to watch them like a hawk when they were younger and they could not be left in arm reaching distance of each other without me directly supervising and being able to physical intervene.

We had stair gates on all rooms. Youngest I had to take to the toilet or place in cot in my room with door shut.

If your cooking i would have baby in high chair and dss in the kitchen helping you cook.

Would he help with the baby? Feeding her or helping get nappies for a change?

This isn't that unusual. My own husband tried to put his baby sibling in the bin back in the day.

She’s quite a tough little thing and doesn’t often cry at all, I’ve seen her whack herself in the face with a corner of a book and not cry before so I don’t think she’d cry at being squeezed (especially if someone was smiling at her 😔)

I think as there is a possibility, even a tiny one, that he hasn't done anything, you need to tread very carefully.
No one saw him, he wasn't ever alone with her, when he was playing with her she didn't cry. There's no actual evidence, except from the fact that he's done it before, that it was him.

Another thing I used to do was have play pens in every room so bouncer could go in playpen. Baby can see and dss can talk to her but not physically interact.

Would your partner consider talking to barnardoes. They do some excellent support programmes. Dss is obviously struggling so much and feeling totally lost. I found play therapy useful for dc to express their feelings.

What would you do if it was your own 6 year old? Do that. People saying ban him from the house are ridiculous. He's six. This is his home.