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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
CanOfMangoTango · 02/03/2025 19:52

I would honestly consider this the end of the relationship.

He has let you down big time. Sorry OP.

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 19:54

He doesn't get the luxury of the self indulgence to feel a failure and be placated. He needs to get back into paid work and stop being a twat.

BabyFever246 · 02/03/2025 19:54

Honestly I'd say go stay elsewhere. Your parents? Siblings? Anyone that can help you during recovery.

I'd probably also end the relationship ultimately but right now you just need to get through the C section and recovery.

He needs to be getting in applications for a proper job with reliable income if he wants any chance of you moving back in.

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:55

@BabyFever246 I really don't have anywhere I can go that would be suitable to put me up with the kids and accommodate to my situation so short notice. I've got everything here, sorted and organised for my post op needs. I know if I leave all hell will break loose as well.

OP posts:
Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:57

@2025willbemytime it's one of my biggest pet peeves that dp is a sulker rather than a productive doer. I want him to acknowledge the situation and then try to find solutions and be strong headed about it but instead he becomes defeated and full of self pity.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 02/03/2025 20:00

He does not get to feel sorry for himself you are having s baby tommorow.
His selfish woe is me attitude would seriously put me off him for life. He is pathetic. The reason you were doughtfull about supporting him is because you know what he is like.

Rhaidimiddim · 02/03/2025 20:01

CanOfMangoTango · 02/03/2025 19:52

I would honestly consider this the end of the relationship.

He has let you down big time. Sorry OP.

Agree. So very sorry for you.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 02/03/2025 20:01

So he wants you to financially support the family while he indulges in a vanity project and drags you all into debt and poverty? And while you tread on eggshells around his fragile ego to boot.

I appreciate his timing is horrendous and for that reason alone, I'd get through the next 6 weeks but then he'd be getting an ultimatum that he gets a proper job or you're out. Don't make your children suffer because of his male ego.

Octavia64 · 02/03/2025 20:02

Ask your parents if they can stay and support for longer (unless that would be more problematic)

How immediately bad is the money situation? Are you renting or do you own? Do you have money for food?

Rhaidimiddim · 02/03/2025 20:03

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:57

@2025willbemytime it's one of my biggest pet peeves that dp is a sulker rather than a productive doer. I want him to acknowledge the situation and then try to find solutions and be strong headed about it but instead he becomes defeated and full of self pity.

So he goes all "little boy" when you need him to step up as a father.
LTB

sageGreen81 · 02/03/2025 20:03

Well he needs to get a job doesn't he.

lostintherainyday · 02/03/2025 20:04

Move him out, and your parents in so they can help.

Tell him you might be willing to discuss him moving back on once he has a proper stable income to support his family.

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 20:05

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:57

@2025willbemytime it's one of my biggest pet peeves that dp is a sulker rather than a productive doer. I want him to acknowledge the situation and then try to find solutions and be strong headed about it but instead he becomes defeated and full of self pity.

And? You don't have to accept it. So what if all hell breaks loose. This is your life. Do you want this forever?

NotinToTintin · 02/03/2025 20:05

Ask your parents if they can stay for longer.
Are you on universal credit? Make an enquiry straight away if not.
If you have a mortgage ask for a mortgage holiday for 3 months.
is there anyone who can lend you money in the short term so that you can concentrate on recovery and the new baby?

I would personally concentrate on everything you need to feel safe and focus on yourself and your kids. In a few weeks time you will be in a better headspace to deal with this and think of solutions

(one solution being - he leaves!)

HowAmITheCatsGranny · 02/03/2025 20:06

Yeah, I think it’s over OP, I’m sorry. And even if it isn’t, you need to focus entirely on what is best for you and your dc right now. Consider speaking to your midwife about what is going on, they may be able to offer extra help / support. Don’t keep his secrets to save his embarrassment at the expense of your needs.

Overthebow · 02/03/2025 20:07

No, he doesn’t get to shy away from this and ‘shit down’, he has to step up and take responsibility. He needs to find a job, any job, that will start asap.

TinyMouseTheatre · 02/03/2025 20:07

What do you mean exactly by "all hell would break lose". Are you worried about what he would do?

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:08

sageGreen81 · 02/03/2025 20:03

Well he needs to get a job doesn't he.

Exactly this. He tried. It's not working. Back to full time employment.(I know that doesn't help you out right now this minute)
If he needs to take time to finish this current job, he can do that in the first week when your parents are helping.
After that he needs to be helping you and searching for jobs.

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:10

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

Then he needs to do his own bussines on the weekends , plus work a full time job in the week, or vice versa.
He can't just not provide for his family.

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 20:11

Send him to his parents I think. Message them that he's got himself into a financial mess and you need to focus on what's happening. If they wave the pom poms then maybe they can bail him out.

Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:13

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 20:11

Send him to his parents I think. Message them that he's got himself into a financial mess and you need to focus on what's happening. If they wave the pom poms then maybe they can bail him out.

Exactly. If he's bringing in no money, you won't miss him.

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 20:13

Realistically he needs to get a new job. Leaving when you’re having a baby right now isn’t a sensible option.

SapatSea · 02/03/2025 20:14

See if you are entitled to any UC - he could register as "start up self employed" and for 1 year you can get UC without meeting the minimum income floor