Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

what a horrific mess and he’s obviously been putting his head in the sand.

are you sure he wasn’t asked to leave him previous role. As it’s such a bizarre thing to do when you’re pregnant?
is it possible he can go back to work and focus on personal stuff over the evenings and weekends.

I’m think the idea of him having paternity leave was pie in the sky anyway with a new small business. It’s unrealistic and he should’ve been honest about it.

Can you stay with your DP for a month to help your recuperate? I think he is going to have to get full time job but you may also end having to go back early and full time.

ypu also need him to be open about what’s owed and he is liable for financially.

I suggest asking him to move out until he can prove he has a stable income to move back in. If he moves back with his parents then perhaps they will see the issue. Their enabling attitude is very telling.

Apply for universal credit, there will be a wait but you will have a small income.

I can't imagine dealing with all this and a newborn. So sorry op.

I had a "d"h like this. Self employed but when he did have regular jobs he was always underperforming. Got made redundant during Covid but tbh I think they just wanted any excuse to let him go. We are now divorced and my career has progressed well despite being the main parent to 2 kids. He's on benefits...

I’m really sorry for you this is shite timing. My ex was exactly like this. I ended up kicking him out 3 months after my 2nd C Section. I gave up a good job in banking. He was a window fitter and earned good money but was useless at organising himself and had no urgency to earn money. He drove me mad. In the end I knew I was better on my own. 16?years on he’s still sofa surfing, earning when he needs a few beers. Basically just drifting through life. Your husband needs a reality check a good talking too. If he won’t go out and earn money or sort things out instead of sulking I’d say call it a day. Good luck with your birth and the baby

Get him to hire the tools needed get the job finished then get a paying job until your both more financially stable

@Onedayaway He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isn't getting done

As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

It sounds like he isn't billing correctly. If he had no back up cash he should have his contract structured to pay for materials up front and then progress payments for his labour. Then he wouldn't be in this predicament.

Getting a second client and using their money to finish his existing job just isn't on. It sounds like he's trading whilst insolvent and will end up in a much larger mess as he won't be able to keep using someone else's cash to cover himself.

He needs to be proactive with his business and communicate with his client. If he continues his head in the sand, non communication then his business will be dead after client #2. Word of mouth is so important for trades people / labour based jobs. Delays, not getting responses etc get you a bad reputation.

So we have a self indulgent man child whose mummy and daddy enable him.How very attractive.

He should temporarily move back in with his parents while he gets his shit together which would be finishing his jobs off then finding a stable job with a stable income and sticking with it.

In the meantime you should claim every penny you can financially as a single mum to protect yourself and your children.

He can help with his children without living with you.If he's willing to work on improving his situation and providing for his family then he can move back in at some point

FluffyDashhound · Yesterday 20:28

Maybe short term poverty long term riches. Shit at min but try to be supportive

WTF? Try to be supportive??? Did you miss the bit where OP is about to give birth AND has a young DC at home AND they have no money, all because of feckless 'D'H who is now sulking???

Ditch him as soon as you can, he's a noose around you neck,

He is really just incompetent. He doesn’t know hoe to manage money, time, his bills, his own work, his customers, or his business. He seems to have literally o idea of the basics of performing the job he has committed to. And he is too stupid and sulky to fix this mess. If he is any older than 11 this does not bode well.

This in bucket loads

Seems like the prodigal son can do no wrong if that's the case any upset he'll go running to mummy and daddy for validation and you're the bad one... bugger that.

OMG op I feel awful for you that instead of supporting you and the new baby, he has done the opposite and is causing you all this stress the day before a c-section. His behaviour is so juvenile and irresponsible. It is making me very angry on your behalf.

I suppose it might be just about forgiveable if it was all a well intentioned cock up. Or a youthful over estimation of capabilities. But this update basically explains it all doesn’t it? He’s never been held to account or been made to take responsibility for anything so it’s unlikely he will change, How very dare his parents get involved in your marital disagreements. They sound as unwise as he is.

Wishing you all the luck in the world for tomorrow 💐. I hope you can put all of these troubles to one side for a few days. Have a great birth Op and stuff them all for a day or two! I wouldn’t even let them in the room!

you need to just focus on yourself and your children for the next week. You can’t do anything to fix this situation while recovering from surgery with a newborn. You are not responsible for making him feel better about things.

while your parents are staying with you, tell them everything. It may be embarrassing, but you need help. Hopefully they can help you brainstorm some
practical solutions to get through the first few weeks.

Unless you live with his parents, you can ask them to leave if they start treating you poorly.

What kind of person responds like this, to an OP in this position?? Do you feel big and clever now?

Tell him he needs to get back into paid reliable work ASAP, or you're done. He's had a go at working for himself and he clearly isn't any good at it. Would your parents be supportive if you told them? Maybe they could lend you some money in the meantime or his parents could do. Longer term, is this the kind of man you want to be with? He's not looking like much of a role model for your kids

Crikey that sounds soooo annoying. Stay strong OP!!

@SeeHistory - totally agree with you there. Talk about missing the point!

OP what a tough situation, I felt for you.
There is quite a bit of support available through the government for new small businesses, low cost loans and also free business coaching which can be applied for. I know these won't help immediately (universal credit application is what's needed). Citizens Advice would be able to help you both apply for any help you can get financially.

Best wishes for your birth

I hope the day goes well OP. Good luck with the birth. This isn't the time to be throwing your DP out. Focus on your baby and yourself. It might be a good idea to ask your DM to stick around for longer while your DP sorts out how he's going to bring money into the household.

Me too. Sorry op

You need to accept that this is who he is. Some people aren’t cut out for working for themselves and his avoidant and sullen attitude is probably why he isn’t. In your current situation I would just get on with things as best you can but long term being financially reliant on someone like your not so dear partner, is simply foolish.

He isn’t a partner, he is someone who thinks about himself first and foremost.

Good luck today OP, hope all goes well.

Where does OP say they're married?

My DP is an electrician and mentioned starting out on his own at the beginning of my pregnancy (I’m now 21 weeks).
I essentially told him to get fucked and what a risky choice that would be to start his own business when I’ll be on SMP in a matter of months.
Thankfully he saw reason and has stayed in paid work.
If we’d have ended up in your situation I’d have probably kicked him out, claimed Universal Credit to see me through maternity leave and gone from there.
What a selfish, reckless decision 🙁
If your DP’s parents are so on his side, can they help financially?

Morning everyone. Thank you for the responses and advice. I've been up since 4am with my mind whirling, mainly about the op and also about this. I really wish I could just put this aside for today but I can't since this will have a massive financial impact on how we will survive this month.

I've suggested to dp that he looks at some sort of start up support for his business and that in the meantime if another lull in work happens he needs to go back to his old employer. What I don't understand is his ex boss literally said if he needed some work to let him know and he can do some days here or there. He was given the perfect set up but stubbornly kept refusing it for no good reason. I tried to insist, when he had no work coming in, to go back to him but every time he would have an excuse that really meant nothing.

I do not accept the situation he has put us in but unfortunately I do not control him so once he made the final call and I had battled him with my concerns and worries, what more could I do? I felt like the only choice I was given was to play along and hope that it all worked out like he convinced himself it would.

I made dp go through monthly expenses as I refuse to have the first month with our newborn overshadowed by money stresses and wanted him to be fully transparent so we could know what to expect. He very naively was trying to reassure me that this month wouldn't be a problem ( he likes to do this ) and that he can pick up small jobs throughout the month. After going through our money and all our expenditures he very quickly realised it wasn't realistic to think we can manage and I shut down his blasé attitude.

His parents have already lent him money that he now owes back, so now I'm, begrudgingly, having to borrow of my family even though this really shouldn't be made to be their problem. I'm just grateful this is even an option, however I've stressed to dp that this is the LAST time we are relying on everyone else to save us. It's time to get his act together and that if this happens again he is to seek established work to bide us over rather than turning to others for help.