Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

He doesn't get that this isn't about him.

You're stuck with a chaos maker. It's a form of abuse. You will never be able to rely on this man.

I am divorced from a man who decided to become self-employed one month after we closed on our house, then peoceded to not make any money. His problem was that he saw working for other people as an affront to his sense of entitlement. He couldn't stand having to do someone else's bidding. Short term gratification was always his choice over responsible planning, and all he cared about was his own ego.

Does your P "work well with others"?
Does he see himself as billy big bollocks?
Does he go about life without any sort of realistic plan but still demand respect and trust?

What are the loans and bills?

It is time to reconsider everything about this relationship. He seems to have a flying by the seat of his pants approach to life while still happy to bring children into the world. A feckless and very immature individual.

Ask your parents to take you and the DCs in after that first week. Let your partner kick off all he wants. This is all his fault.

If he earns v little they should be getting UC anyway.

I really feel for you.
He needs to ask financial help from his family, it’s on him. And throw himself into finishing contracting work days and nights. Your parents help you with toddler and newborn and maybe financially as well but not for DH. It’s too much.
Ask for mortgage holiday.
Hope all goes well tomorrow.

So what’s actually the issue with this job? My DH is a contractor and a deposit is requested up front to cover materials, then interim payments depending on the size of the job. Issues or extras are always discussed with client and then invoiced. Profit is only affected if he (or one of his guys) accidentally fucks something up. He might take the hit of a day or so if it runs over but there will always be a reason for this and client will normally be charged.

What did your DP spend the materials money on? Why is he not invoicing the client for the additional work/materials?

How has the OP been irresponsible? She has a small child and works part time like lots of Mums of small children. It wasn't a problem before her DH jacked in his secure job to start a business without a proper plan and against her wishes.

If his parents want to support him, and his new venture, now is the time when he needs to ask them for money.
Otherwise he needs to get a loan or business overdraft from the bank. Priority is to finish these jobs and get paid in full, and line up the next one ASAP !
Ideally, he should line up a permanent contract if he cannot make this a success. It’s a bad time to be starting a new business.

I don't understand why he doesn't have enough money for the job. Has he spunked it? My brother does what sounds like similar work. He bills for materials, materials are delivered then bills for labour. He shouldn't be out of pocket.

This is the end of the relationship.

He's financially unreliable and he's not just playing with his own livelihood. He's playing with that of you and your children too.

Also he's an idiot for using credit cards for business purposes.

FIL is a labourer and it's in his pre-work estimate contract that there's a non-refundable 20% fee of the estimated total costs with an addendum that says if the costs of materials comes to more than 20% then additional fees will be requested before work commences. Then if there are any adjustments, like he managed to source cheaper materials or if things cost more in terms of daily labour or tools required he alters it in the final invoice which also includes the original copy of the estimate to show the difference.

He never has to use a credit card because the customer agrees that to use him as a contractor, if they want him, they pay the overheads upfront.

That's how a sustainable business should work.

He doesn't seem at all clued up about running a business and if he can't swallow his pride and stop making this about his feelings, and instead make this about your future and collective success then split up. Don't get yourself in debt for this man.

Cross posted.

Exactly this. I don’t care if he was using up a box of tissues a day snivelling about his previous job, when you are responsible for two kids and know your partner is about to start a recovery from major surgery you behave like an adult, suck it up and put your dream of self employment on hold until the finances work better for your family. Self indulgent prick.

I was in a similar situation when my husband decided to become a contractor when we had young children. So incredibly selfish. He then got into masses of debt which he hid from me and couldn't pay and he expected me to bail him out. It completely wrecked our marriage.

Well he sounds like an absolute trash human being who deserves to be left on the pavement with the bins.
I'm so sorry to ask this but could you not do c section? I know I opted one because quite frankly I didn't want to give birth naturally but would a natural birth allow you to recover quicker.

Stop this situation right now. My DH gave me the “Oh but this is my big dream. If you say no you are ruining my big opportunity” He wore me down until I agreed to us buying a business. We started off mortgage free (our home) and 15 years later he was bankrupt. Massive debts, almost lost house and will be working until we drop dead. All life savings gone, everything. He’s an arsehole like my DH. Tell him to grow the fuck up and if his parents are that supportive, tell them to cough up the cash.

As a side note I had a C Section with a 2.5 year old. DH had one day off and I was then totally alone as I’m an orphan. Honestly it’s really not that bad at all. You just get on with it.

He is not made for self employment, its only partly having a skill but there is so much more to it and it sounds like your DH just isn't suited to it.
He can't fanny around with a vanity project when you need him to support you financially and his (and his families) attitude when its suggested he do that absolutely stinks.
Sadly OP you can't make him get a job but you can decide whether you want to be with him long terms
I hope all goes well with the baby, I think you just need to try and focus on that and try to postpone everything else for a few weeks BUT the situation isn't tenable long term

I agree you should talk to your midwife. I'd plan an exit from that man but I wouldn't do it until I'd got my money sorted out. Don't even think of moving out yourself. He caused this problem with his arrogant views. He needs to leave, when the time is right for you.

So many people aren't suited to self employment. They seem to think you have to work less hard than in employment, when the reality is you have to work much harder and have far more skills than you think you might need. People just want to work at their hobby and think they'll make a fortune.

Yes, perhaps it will limp on another few years until the OP feels strong enough and not a zombie from tiredness to pack up and leave him to the mess he will continue to create.

This isn't shit that just happened to happen. It was predicted by the OP, but he wouldn't listen, and now when she is at her most vulnerable point, he dumps the problem on her. Now he is the victim in need of rescue and her surgery and recovery must take second place to his chaos. Neatly done.

Again, this is a chaos maker, a man who derives satisfaction from seeing terror and distress in his partner, that arises from his gross irresponsibility. He is creating nightmarish financial instability (which means food and housing insecurity for the OP and her baby and toddler). He has dropped this bombshell the day before she is to undergo major abdominal surgery. This is all ego driven behaviour.

This will not get better. It's part of a personality disorder.

I don’t think I could forgive this.

Your DP must be there for his DC, you and the baby. It’s his responsibility. He needs to stop wallowing and make amends for refusing to listen to you about giving up his job while you were pregnant. He needs to speak to his client about money for materials and a later schedule (after at least 2 weeks paternity leave) to finish the job, to his bank to sort a business loan/overdraft and/or to the mortgage company/landlord and arrange a delayed payment and he needs to apply for UC. Or ask his supportive parents to bail him out.

If he doesn’t step up, could your parents extend their support? If they work and live a distance away, do you have any siblings or old friends near their place? If so, could you take your preschooler and the baby to stay at your parents and have someone else popping in to help in the day? At least your parents could make you dinner, see to laundry, housework etc.

Good luck tomorrow ❤️

He needs to get another employed job, OP. Work in a supermarket, stack shelves at night, become a carer; he needs to take whatever's offered to bring the money in. If he won't do this, you need a plan of what you will do. Because you know how this is going to end, don't you? He will refuse to get a job, you will end up going back to work after a month's maternity leave because you need to feed your children and you'll all be scraping by on your part time salary.

Can you stay with your parents for a couple of weeks after the baby is born?

Good luck for tomorrow, OP. x

And also, @MumWifeOther, he has created chaos in the home or business of the client he failed to budget properly for, and in the second job he had.

If his parents think he's so bloody marvellous they can give him the money to support you all every month

I really feel for you. You must be feeling so sick about this, with a baby about to drop and 2 little ones to take care of.

Firstly, please try to stay calm (easy for me to say I know). Life will go on and the kids will be fine as they have 2 sets of grandparents who, hopefully, if the worse comes to the worse will help you out for a bit, financially or otherwise.

Make sure you look after yourself as you are a beautiful, loving, caring mother who has been dealt a husband who is, as we can see, very selfish and self absorbed in his own world, putting himself first above his wife and 2 (3) children.
He should be supporting you and not the other way round and put you on a guilt trip.You have to keep all your strength, physical and mental, for yourself and your children.

He is your husband and it comes across that although he is a bit of a selfish prick you still love him. That's when it the hardest - when you still love him. Loving someone doesn't mean stifling your own hopes, dreams and worries. I am so sorry but you must be feeling quite weak and vulnerable at this moment but you have to find some strength to tell DH as it is. You no longer have the luxury of being nice, kind and supportive. This is crunch time. He may feel a failure but he has to shake that off and go find a stable job to support his family and not this in and out of jobs malarky. Fine if you don't have kids and can live off bake beans and bread for a year but not with a wife and kids to support.

Not sure how close you are to your mum, if you can confide in her, and if you can it will take a weight of your shoulders as you are not alone in all this.

You must put yourself and your children first. You don't need an adult child to be soothing as well.

I'd be demanding he asks his parents to lend him the money to finish this job, and he gets a full time job immediately or else he can leave. There would be no sulking or accusations of being unsupportive, he had his chance and made a mess of it.

He’s a shit business man…..he’s a shit partner ….let his parents bail him out….if they think he’s so full of Good intentions in their eyes, then they need to help him out don’t they !!! Gggrrrr…..fucking men like this give me the rage..
Good luck tomorrow sweetheart…..all will be well…xx

I would struggle to forgive this. Not only did he do this against your wishes now instead of apologising profusely he's sulking and you the person about to give birth to his child is tip toeing around him. I'd tell him to sort himself out and step up or fuck off. While ever you pander to his behaviour he will continue it. He's not paying his way anyway you might as well have one less mouth to feed