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Original poster

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
SeeHistory · 02/03/2025 21:58

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support.

No. OP is about to have a baby tomorrow. She does not have to support this man right now.

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2025 22:00

He has had 9 months to get his act together.

Instead he's buried his head in the sand. He's demonstrated how irresponsible he is. Worse still he's decided to dump all this on you the day before you give birth. Thats monumentally selfish.

He expects you to take on the responsibility and bail you both out, whilst caring for a newborn.

He's a cocklodger. He's got you upduffed and trapped, so he thinks you'll take on caring for you because he won't sort his shit out.

You'll be better off without him - one less mouth to feed.

Wtafdidido · 02/03/2025 22:01

Have you applied for U overall credit? If not do so asap. Your husband will have to suck up whatever they ask him to do.

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2025 22:02

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

Kick him out.

Then call the police if they turn up. Seriously.

Thats just yet another sign of the manchild he is. He can't even have an argument without dragging his parents in for him.

PassingStranger · 02/03/2025 22:06

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

In sickness and health, for better or for worse.

Holdonforsummer · 02/03/2025 22:07

he doesn’t sound like the kind of person who can cope with running his own business: for a start, no one should start a new business with no cash behind them, especially someone with two small children to think about and pay for. He needs to go back to steady employment, for everyone’s sake. I even feel sorry for his clients. Good luck tomorrow.

Lilactimes · 02/03/2025 22:26

Hi @Onedayaway Hope you can try and focus on you and the new baby 😀 and get through the next couple of days and then you’ll have your parents around to help… that’s all good 🙏
if your H is a rubbish business man - is he also a rubbish actual tradesman? Assuming not as he seems to be picking up work - then he needs to get a job back with a company. Near me at least, it feels like craftsmen/ builders of all types are like gold dust. I’m sure he will be able to earn enough - but many builders in my experience are shit at the planning and the money… just good at their trade.
Right now - don’t think about future/ him / or anything beyond tomorrow and your parents coming to help. Then tell him to go and get a job once you’re back home. Good luck tomorrow xx

TinyMouseTheatre · 02/03/2025 22:29

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly. Try to concentrate on you and your new LO for a few days then decide what you're going to do Flowers

Emonade · 02/03/2025 22:32

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

Just practically have you applied for maternity allowance? I got about £700 a month and it helped a lot

MotherJessAndKittens · 02/03/2025 22:48

Ask him to go to his parents. See if your parents can stay with you for the first week or two to help and look after older DC then with their help lay it on the line - this is not working, there are 2 children to look after, feed, clothe etc. He needs to get a paying job ASAP or you will arrange things on your own - apply for help, UC or any other benefits as a single parent etc. He sounds like he is lining in LaLa land!

Swirlingceilings · 02/03/2025 22:58

Tell him if he isn’t contributing financially or physically (by being present and not out at work) after the baby is born that he will have to leave. The claim universal credit and you will be better off than at present. You can tell him that and that he needs to go to his parents so you can claim and financially support the family since he can’t or won’t.

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 23:00

this is not working, there are 2 children to look after, feed, clothe etc.

3 actually, from tomorrow.

God OP, really feel for you right now. I had an awful time right after birth due to my husband's fuck-ups. It's a long time ago now and we came out of it fighting and fine - my son and I. I left the useless husband.

Just lean on anyone you have rallying to your side. You sound like an amazing and strong woman. All the best for tomorrow and the future.

Namenamchange · 02/03/2025 23:00

Op i’m so sorry this has happened, something similar happened to me, just before I was due, I’m convinced I was so stressed I as unable to go into labour naturally.

My advice to you would be, just forget about it for now. There is nothing you can do. Let him and his family sort it out, and what ever repercussions that brings. If dh is a sulker like mine was, he’ll only communicate with you, when he deems it’s time or when he feels you aren’t being sympathetic enough towards him.

I stayed with mine for another 5 years, we ended up borrowing the money, which meant debt, which I’m still in some ways paying off. But I’m more cross with myself that I stayed, and wasted more of my life.

Looking back, it was never really about the money, but the lack of emotional maturity, honestly and communication that killed the relationship.

Just to say, I thrived once I left him.

MrsCarson · 02/03/2025 23:01

Kick him. out you are on your own and he's a weight around your neck. He will bleed you dry and you don't have anything to give.
Go on Entitled too and see if you can afford to live where you are with the baby on your own. If not you'll need to move somewhere closer to your family or in with family for support. He's useless.

Swirlingceilings · 02/03/2025 23:01

P.s. my DP started a busibsss whilst I was pregnant but did it on top of his job. We tried lowering his hours but things didn’t take off so he’s gone back to full time and reworked things and the business is now picking up. At no point was he going to fail to provide for us as a family and reducing his hours at work was a mutual decision we both agreed on to give his business a shot. Your husband is selfish.

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 23:03

Just to say, I thrived once I left him.

Me too. Such a breath of fresh air not to be weighed down by an albatross around your neck.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2025 23:10

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

Sadly, good intentions don't pay the bills

There's nothing you can do right now except calm yourself and prepare for your baby

Can your parents come for longer than a week?

Get yourself well again after the section then start planning.

You really would be better off without him

Nellsbell · 02/03/2025 23:10

He needs to go back to what he was doing. Clearly he couldn’t afford the self employed luxury he was hoping for. I understand that anyone starting a business takes a risk. But with a young family this didn’t seem the ideal time. He should have realised that. If he can work around an employed position and build it up that may be sensible.

GiddyCrab · 02/03/2025 23:13

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 19:54

He doesn't get the luxury of the self indulgence to feel a failure and be placated. He needs to get back into paid work and stop being a twat.

This.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 02/03/2025 23:28

Sorry OP, that you're going through this.

You can't do anything now. It's difficult, but try to put a pin in it for now, as you need to focus on yourself and your baby. Whatever happens with your twat husband, you and your baby need rest and calm. There is nothing you can do at this moment in time.

FWIW, I had similar (although admittedly not as bad) with my 2nd baby - my OH had a business that he insisted on being secretive about, which ended up being a failure. He was then in and out of paid work whilst I was expecting, then on maternity leave. So I can empathise a bit. I remember feeling so, so let down and despairing. We did almost break up. I spent a lot of time at my parents, and was lucky that I had their support. I'm reading in your posts you don't have an option of moving out, but I'd encourage you to lean on any support you do have, as much as possible. Even if it's just in the daytime, to get away from the stress of the situation.

My OH did everything he could to fix it - everything did improve after he got an adhd diagnosis and medication to help him concentrate and not get fired, but that's an aside. The main difference now, is that I'm bolshy AF when I need to be, and have zero tolerance on all this bullshit "Let me worry about it, I'll let you know if there's a problem", cloak and dagger / feeling like I "don't trust him" pity party stuff. I know he hates me essentially auditing him (I hate it too, it's stressful). But we know it's necessary, and better than having horrible problems crop up down the line, and potentially ending up breaking up.

It sounds like you have a good career skills, so will have options and choices further down the line. You might be able to forgive, and work together to get in a better situation, if he's willing to. Or you might break up. But I wouldn't make any big decisions now.

Really hope it all works out for you OP. It could well be fine in the end with your husband. Or you will be fine by yourself. Good luck with having your beautiful baby soon x

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 02/03/2025 23:30

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:15

I think other posters have covered the husband part.

i think in the meantime I would hire a doula for the second week you need help, even if it’s going to cost you out your savings. You just need to survive that second week

The OP has NO MONEY!! If she had savings she probably wouldn't be posting and so worried.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 02/03/2025 23:34

Huckyfell · 02/03/2025 20:37

The most exciting time of both of your lives ever, enjoy the moment, celebrate the new addition and adventures. Health first. All the best op, don't beat him up i know where he's come from, poor guy. But don't let this overshadow your time.

Edited

Are you off your trolley?

caringcarer · 02/03/2025 23:34

I'd beg my parents to stay another week or at least one of them. I'd ask the man child who silks to leave because instead of supporting you he's stressing you out and dragging his family into debt. You have to be super organised to be self employed and your partner clearly has no idea how to run a business. I'd give him one last chance to get a PAYE job or lose his family.

Normallynumb · 02/03/2025 23:39

He's living in a dreamworld
I really feel for you. You need to feel you can rely on him practically and emotionally when you have other DC and a newborn
Tell him to register with an agency and take the first job available for now
He can build up his business around that job
Wishing you a safe delivery of your beautiful baby

Salad666 · 02/03/2025 23:43

Totally not the point but it's "Lo and behold" not lone behold...