Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

I'm so so cross with your arsehole DP for this.

And that is all I have to say right now.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I would suggest speaking to all of your financial commitments - mortgage, insurance etc and arrange a payment holiday. Make sure you tell them you are in a ‘vulnerable’ position - suggest asking to speak to someone who deals with vulnerable customers and they can be the most flexible.

I hope that this too shall pass, and you and your lovely family come through be other end and make up for this hardship xxx

how dare he sulk and stress!

She has said her mother is quite ill and not able to take them in.

WTAF is the matter with you? How the fuck is this helpful?

Fuck me, this rings familiar with me…my ex told me on night I came home sleep deprived for c-section that he was likely to be made redundant. I’d literally spent 4 nights in hospital, difficult birth with over 2 days labour…I got up to breast feed (still establishing) crawled back into bed at 3;30am, and exh decided it was time for dumping his work woes onto me, and scaring me shitless with money worries

i ended up with post natal depression.

I long along learnt that some men will not take responsisiblty to step up and adult re earning money by any means to keep roof over head, food on table, heating etc no matter what. They want to do what they feel is best for the, even when family suffers…in my exh case it was refuses to find a job, any job…he wanted senior level positions he frankly wasn’t fit to do …and we were getting into debt

it took me way too long to realise his selfish entitlement. And longer to divorce.

nope, a decent man wil priorities fiancnail security while family is young and mothers wages limited. Time for starting new risky ventures was when he was young, single or married with no kids, or when the kids have left home. He chose to have kids (or at least chose not to actively prevent having kids by having a vasectomy) and therefore he needs to also care for those kids, not default that care to you both physically AMD financially so he can continue his vanity project.

him getting parents involved last time, just reeks of emotionally immaturity…it ain’t going to get better OP.

Give him ultimatum…either he gets work, any work, to bring in income in next 4 weeks or you start discussing divorce. Divorce will mean he has way less choice about what he does with his time and money than he does now. You’ll both be poorer for it, butnatnleastmyoucan work forwards to improving your lot without him pulling you down with debt for his next vanity project.

tell his parent to butt out unless they’re prepared to financially bail him out.

Your partner is a selfish, pathetic failure. I am so, so sorry @Onedayaway. He has failed you so much.

Dp saw me today and asked what wrong. He just doesn't have a clue what it's like to be cut in half, do all the night wakes, look after a screaming clingy newborn and toddler, and then have to scrape money together so he doesn't have to worry and can go about his day only having to be concerned about his job.

I hope you find a way to make the useless shit see this ^

@Onedayaway just regarding your sling comment. A c-section shouldn't stop you babywearing. If a sling is worn correctly, it won't be anywhere near your wound, and baby should have legs in the frog-leg position so shouldn't be near your wound either. I've had an emcs and used a sling from the beginning. A baby should always be sitting 'close enough to kiss'.

This sums it up really.
Im so sorry OP. He’s let you down in a massive way. I would struggle to get past this. What a selfish nob.

You already have two children, soon to be three.

Oh op this must be so much stress. I wish you the strength to tell him to leave and block him on everything. You’re doing it alone and tough with a man sized dead weight. One of those problems you can fix, he’s never going to be a support to you. He doesn’t even understand what he’s done to you, because he cannot consider taking responsibility for his decisions.
when you do leave, no support. Not a penny to his debts. He has taken and taken and taken from you.

OP, you come across as strong and rational and the kind of person who will cope well and thrive once you’ve recovered, got your ducks in a row & LTB. He doesn’t deserve you, he’s let you & baby down massively, you deserve better & will find it. Lots of good advice on here.

Agreed. OP this is horrendous. Your man-child of a DH needs to wise up. This is not at all right or fair. Chances are you will take an extremely long time to get over the resentment of putting you all in this situation. If ever and who could blame you. He had one job, cover the financials, pull out all the stops to get his work completed. Absolute joke he undercharged and unfortunately you won’t get what should be a special time back. His parents sound like enablers and no two ways about it. He has let you and DC down. Next time he asks what’s wrong tell him. Ridiculous all in you can’t even say you are struggling, not recovering well and the stress of the situation he chose to put you all in has been horrendous. Tell him you feel really let down as it shouldn’t be like this.

Congratulations on your baby OP💐.

I'm sorry for everything you've been put through it's really not fair,do you have any other family or friends or neighbours your close to that would help you out at home whilst your still recovering?

I'd honestly help anyone I knew that was going through what your going through,someone to just be able to provide a bit of support with your toddler,someone to help with laundry and washing up ect so your not so stressed bless you because you really should be taking it easier with all you've been through.

Congratulations on your baby! Please tell health visitor and GP and they might be able to support. Also please talk to neighbours, friends and tell them you are struggling. When I had my first child and she was a velcro baby with reflux, it was horrendous! My mum had to go for a week as my sister also had a baby and she went to see her other grand child. During that time I was really struggling and confided in my lovely neighbour. She was a lovely lady in her 60’s and similar age to my own mum. She would call me daily to check and come when it was convenient and hold my daughter for me so I could take a shower or cook a meal, eat, take a nap etc. She made that week without my mum bearable! I will never forget her kindness and we still keep in touch even though we have moved from that area 7 years ago. So people are willing to help, just ask.

You should be ok after the first week so if that is what worried you the most , try and be positive . Most people I know can go back to most stuff after the first week .
It seems you are in a financial predicament so I ancn see why he needs to work but for the future you either you put your foot down and take control of finances from now on or you need to consider what your stability will be like . He clearly is not organised enough to work for himself without help . Is it even viable ?

Typically contractors are paid upfront for materials. A client is generally m prepared to pay for materials plus labor upfront.

Can’t believe people saying ltb before they have a baby together. Op he needs to start looking fr every type of work going and you need to concentrate on your baby coming. Talk to people you know in real life and vent and then concentrate on the baby stuff. Your dp has messed up but he’s human and freaking out but you both need each other and this baby needs you both

Congratulations on your new baby OP - he will be yours forever. The money thing is only temporary, even though I agree it sounds really shit 💐

Do you have any Children's Centres near you? The one near us had a programme for struggling mothers, where they did childcare for an hour a week whilst the mums did painting or something creative, to have a bit of respite. It also has lots of groups and other services, too many to list, but including a woman who advises about differemt benefits, and can help you to apply.

I really would advise, trying to get out of the house to groups as much as possible, if your mobility allows it. I found it much easier with a newborn and a toddler, because the toddler is entertained, and there's always someone to physically hold the baby whilst you have a wee or need to do the toddlers nappy or something. Some even provide tea / coffee / snacks, and none cost more than a few quid where we are x

Erm, sounds like money was already super tight, why on earth did you plan a second DC? Please don’t plan another, sounds like both of you need to work FT.

If you aren’t married you should maybe change all the details on your bank account to stop him just taking your money out without asking like you said he did previously. It sounds a lot like financial abuse.

The fact that he puts his fragile ego before you and your kids is disgusting, why would he even take the risk of starting a business while you're pregnant?! He couldn't have waited until the baby was born and you had some savings behind you first? What a ridiculous man little boy. It would 100% be the end of the road for me. You and your kids deserve better. Ask your parents if they can stay a little longer until you've recovered and then it's ultimatum time, get a real job and provide for your family or get out. Hoping things get better for you, OP.

He took the Universal Credit money for use on his job . Universal credit for food. He took it. While letting the mother of his child go without pads.

He took any money that's been loaned to them.
Including OP money when she covered his bank outgoings. He took her money for her bank outgoings as well.

Lowest of the low.

Are we sure that there is an actual job going on? Is he gambling or spending on cocaine etc?

In her shoes I'd not need the answers. I'd know it was over and wait for my recovery then get rid.
I'd never be able to forget or forgive. Or trust him. We would have no future.

Are you not entitled to state maternity pay and other benefits?