Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:30

Even Homer Simpsons had the sense and decency to hide the money problems from his pregnant wife while he begged for his old job back to fix it...

This man just can't put you and kids first. Sorry op..

harijes · 02/03/2025 20:32

I agree with previous comments. If his family think this is so wonderful, hand it to them to sort for now, you focus on kids and baby.

Bigger decisions come later. Not now.

At the moment you feel you want to be at home, so you do that.

Pass the rest to them.

MIL DH is struggling just now with x y and z. As you were so supportive of this change in lifestyle can you sort the issues there while I focus on having a baby.

cryinglaughing · 02/03/2025 20:33

He needs to get a job, rather than having his own business.

rrrrrreatt · 02/03/2025 20:34

I agree with all the comments about this being a relationship ending type of fuck up but now probably isn’t the time for making that decision.

Try and find as much support as you can; parents staying another week, other family members or mum friends, etc. See if you’re entitled to UC or if you could ask food banks if needed. Look after you, your DC and baby.

As for your DH’s business dreams, they’re just that. He’s gambling your family’s wellbeing in the hope it may pay off one day but the evidence so far is that he’s not able to run a successful business right now. He’s miscalculated his profit margins and what he owes, left a client without the service promised (depending what that is they could take him to court) and isn’t able to accept or deal with these issues.

Maybe he can revisit being self employed after he’s developed his business management skills but right now he needs to get a job or some contracting work.

When you’re recovered, think long and hard about if this relationship is what you want. Would you be happy if your DC copied the behaviour he’s modelling in later life?

RaveToTheGrave1 · 02/03/2025 20:35

Is this really the man you expect to look after you and your kids? Sod that

fashionqueen0123 · 02/03/2025 20:35

It sounds like he isn’t running a business properly if he’s under costing the work and his work is actually costing him money! So he’s worked for nothing then! Why didn’t he build his business up over time so he had time to make mistakes. Or do a business course first.

If his parents can see no wrong then they can help with the kids and give him some money

RoachFish · 02/03/2025 20:36

Eugh, he's clearly not intelligent enough to run a business and he definitely doesn't have the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship or having kids. He needs to give up this failed mission and find employment asap. Leave him if you want but wait until you have recovered a bit.

Huckyfell · 02/03/2025 20:37

The most exciting time of both of your lives ever, enjoy the moment, celebrate the new addition and adventures. Health first. All the best op, don't beat him up i know where he's come from, poor guy. But don't let this overshadow your time.

chocolateface · 02/03/2025 20:39

Why has he told you this today?

It doesn't sound like he needs a huge amount to finish the job. He needs to ask his parents for a loan so he can get the jobs finished. He shouldn't leave his clients with an unfinished job. This doesn't seem like the right time for him to have started a business. I'd ask him to take a job for now while you build up savings and then possibly consider going self employed again when there is a financial cushion, just incase.

I can't believe so many people are saying to leave him. DH was in a similar position when I was pregnant with DC2 - that was 22 years ago. Things got a lot better (they also got worse) but I wouldn't have left because his business wasn't booming.

The sulking is find difficult to deal with though - he needs to get a grip and be proactive, firstly by asking his parents for £££.

Resttime · 02/03/2025 20:40

This is truly shit OP, I'm so sorry. Right now you need to focus on the immediate issue. It seems your partner is too self centered to prioritise you and the new baby. I see you've mentioned your parents will help for the first week so would it help to ask your Mum to be there with you for the birth and leave your partner at home with the older DC?

EwwSprouts · 02/03/2025 20:42

Has he part invoiced the client for some of the time/materials already used? Just checking as that would bring some money in.

I think the economy at the moment is not great for starting a business. Going back to being employed would offer more security.

EwwSprouts · 02/03/2025 20:42

Best wishes for tomorrow.

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2025 20:43

So he contacts client. Gets the money for materials and finishes the job

I think he was unprepared that he could take paternity leave being self employed in a newly set up business.

He needs to go and see a business manager or financial advisor.

RoachFish · 02/03/2025 20:44

chocolateface · 02/03/2025 20:39

Why has he told you this today?

It doesn't sound like he needs a huge amount to finish the job. He needs to ask his parents for a loan so he can get the jobs finished. He shouldn't leave his clients with an unfinished job. This doesn't seem like the right time for him to have started a business. I'd ask him to take a job for now while you build up savings and then possibly consider going self employed again when there is a financial cushion, just incase.

I can't believe so many people are saying to leave him. DH was in a similar position when I was pregnant with DC2 - that was 22 years ago. Things got a lot better (they also got worse) but I wouldn't have left because his business wasn't booming.

The sulking is find difficult to deal with though - he needs to get a grip and be proactive, firstly by asking his parents for £££.

It's the irresponsibleness of it. He had a job, they were doing fine, but then just as she was having another baby and will go on maternity leave he decides to gamble their financial security away. It was completely avoidable and it's not OK to put a woman in that situation, especially not at such a vulnerable time.

Amba1998 · 02/03/2025 20:45

He’s started his own business 8 weeks ago and he’s already up shits creek? He obviously is no good at this and needs to work for someone else in a stable job.

good luck for tomorrow. How exciting!

Nazzywish · 02/03/2025 20:45

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 19:54

He doesn't get the luxury of the self indulgence to feel a failure and be placated. He needs to get back into paid work and stop being a twat.

This x 10000. Stop pandering around him OP your making it worse for yourself ,he needs his head screwing on firmly. Yes your about to give birth but Channel some anger towards him will you so he can wake up or get lost.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2025 20:46

Both of you have been irresponsible. You work part-time and earn very ljittle and he is not earning anything. You will need to apply for benefits.

TheRossie123 · 02/03/2025 20:47

Notimeforaname · 02/03/2025 20:10

Then he needs to do his own bussines on the weekends , plus work a full time job in the week, or vice versa.
He can't just not provide for his family.

Show quote history

Agree. Sounds like he needs to learn how to manage his finances better if he is to run his own business. This is bad financial planning if he has got himself into a situation where he can’t even finish a job without the right materials.
its not a situation where he has no money, he is in considerable debt.

GreenCandleWax · 02/03/2025 20:47

OP Try and get some rest. Others are going to have to help sort this out while you have a baby! Focus on yourself tonight. Thinking of you positively. May all go well tomorrow for you and your lovely baby. Flowers

SixtySomething · 02/03/2025 20:47

Right now, your job is to have a baby. His job is to support you and sort out his business issues. Nothing will change by you worrying about it. He can discuss worries with his family.
You just think about you, your child and baby.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 02/03/2025 20:50

Could you borrow the grand required from anyone so he could get the job done? Then he could crack on. Then maybe look for alternative work at the same time.

Plus put a claim in for Universal Credit.

Congratulations on the baby tomorrow. Don't worry about being alone with 2 little ones, you'll be fine.

Sassybooklover · 02/03/2025 20:52

Setting up a business with no capital behind him was a massive mistake. To leave a stable, secure full-time job, whilst you are pregnant, to go self-employed is utter madness. Running your own business isn't easy or for everyone, if it was, we'd all be doing it. He now has to work out a way to finish the jobs he's started and then find a new job with an employer. He doesn't have the time or the finances to bugger around playing businessman. There is mortgage/rent and bills to pay, plus all the other expenses of running a home and having a family. He doesn't have the luxury of sitting down and feeling sorry for himself. You are due to have a baby tomorrow (congratulations by the way), and his priority is his family and finding work.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 02/03/2025 20:55

Just park it all and get in the zone. This useless waste of space will still be the same tomorrow and you need to concentrate on your baby tomorrow.

How dare he put you in a position where the night before you're stressed. I'd never forgive the .

Good luck tomorrow.

IDoWhateverItTakes · 02/03/2025 20:55

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

Good intentions don't pay the bills.

He needs to get a job. Or you need to make it clear your marriage isn't sustainable with his sulking and refusal to be realistic.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/03/2025 21:01

Can his parents help out financially if they're so keen that you should support his business? Even just to get him to finish this job. You really need to just think about yourself and DC.