Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

Honestly I'd dump his sorry arse for this. What a thing to do to you. The icing on this shit-smeared cake is the everyone feel sorry for poor old me routine he's pulling when he should be supporting you. Fuck that shit. He's let you down spectacularly. He's proved he won't be there for you when the chips are down and will expect you to not only suck it up but to make him centre of attention too.

While you work out how to fuck him off out of your life, you need to get uc going into a bank account in your name, and to switch the bills that you pay similarly so he can never steal your bill money again.

Ick. Ick, ick, ick.

You don't want your children to think this is how you deal with setbacks in life.

I would be asking him to leave and looking to see what you can get in terms of support: discounted council rate? UC? help with housing costs?

For you to even consider giving him another chance down the line would require him to be in paid employment and some indication that he's learned from this.

The quicker your P goes back working regularly part time with his old employer, the better.

What a helpful and constructive post. OP should either build a time-machine to go back in time and not get pregnant, or she should go back to work full-time leaving a 6 week old velcro baby.

Some of the comments on mumsnet are completely out of order. Ops husband has tried to start a new business, If it had taken off they could have been well off. When anything goes wrong people straight away say leave and rely on the state. No wonder so many divorces and single mums. No one works through things. Op will be fine my partner self employed went straight back to work after having a baby. She just needs to sit down and talk to him he probably feels like a failure as it is. No wonder so many male suicides when women treat men with such contempt. Tell him he needs to find a stable job at the moment and or borrow the money to finish this job and stop sulking. She will be fine looking after the baby while he works it's what mum's do. Most small business fail in first two years sadly but he's given it a go most people don't have the balls.

@Whippetlovely have you been reading the same posts as I have?!?!

This is not done hardworking man who is doing his utmost to provide for his vulnerable wife and young family. He hasn’t made a mistake or is just going through hard times. He isn’t treating his wife with respect, honesty or decency.
every piece of information we have points to him being incompetent.

He is treating her terribly, going into a sulk if she so much as raises the issue of money, he’s STEALING from her, he didn’t save before embarking on this new venture, he is LYING to her and to boot he has a horrible family who has set upon her in a horrible screaming rant that she never wants to expose her children to again!

I will just add that it is an extremely rare case where NOT being married is advantageous but I believe (and happy to be corrected by someone in the know) that you can’t be liable for his debt OP?

If he ends up bankrupt or in small claims court, due to his incompetence/dishonesty with his customers, they can’t come after you for it?

Do you rent or own? In whose name is the tenancy/mortgage?

Please separate your finances and get all your benefits paid directly into your own account in your name.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this dire state and I really hope you can be completely open with your family about what has happened.

Morning everyone, thanks for the responses. I'm so grateful I have this space to vent and it's relieving hearing people be angry for me. I almost feel like I dont have the right to complain since dp is physically working non stop. It's frustrating because in his dparents eyes he is a showing up as such a good dad with how hard he is working. He is getting all the praises meanwhile the fact that I'm keeping us afloat so he can do this is seemingly invisible to everyone. His parents think him starting this business is a good thing and that his intentions are pure since it's to get more money and help us in the long run. Everyone is blind to the struggle it's creating in the here and now, or just refusing to see it.

I had a conversation with dp about how I'm not coping. I bit the bullet and told him that I felt like I had to hold back how I was feeling incase I hurt his man ego as a provider. But I can't help but blame him for this circumstance and he took the plunge to start this business without me on board effectively forcing my hand. It didn't feel like a couples decision so essentially I've been feeling so alone in all the stresses its caused. I called him out for not even checking in on me, knowing I have such little money, to make sure I'm okay for supporting a big family. I also didn't shy away from mentioning that yet again, I would have been happy for him to start his business up but the way he did it is where my problem lies, especially since it's feels now that it's made to be my problem and I didn't ask for this. His response? Well if I didn't I would have had to work more hours for less money..... I wouldn't have been able to take the time off we needed during your pregnancy.... Our money situation would have been the same......

So there you have it. It doesn't matter what I say which is why I never bother to speak to him anymore. There is always an answer for everything. A straight jump to defense rather than hearing me out for what I'm saying and acknowledging it. I found no resolve from communicating with him. If anything I could see on his face that he was slowly becoming sullen and going into his "woe is me" mode as I went on. Which means none of it most likely reached him and all he heard was "you aren't good enough" even though he claims to be trying his hardest.

I'm beyond exhausted now. I have no idea where we go from here. His work is picking up now the weather is and yes I know a business needs patience as he is bound to make rookie mistakes as it comes with time and practice. Likelihood is he won't get into this situation again. But even if it's all up from here, what about what's it's taken out of me to get there? I feel like all this has been done on my back, out of my expense and I've had no say in it. Which has made me resentful. It didn't feel like a team move and I strongly feel that life changes this big should be.

In terms of physical support unfortunately we have no neighbours, and I don't really have any family other than dmum and one dsibling who has their hands tied with a big life change themselves. I do have a mental health time which I expressed all this too. But as always I found their response quite lacking. No help was really offered other than the advice of talking to dp and seeing if we can arrange more time for myself so I can shower/eat. However dp is running off his feet back to back and I know in that sense he really is stretched and doing all he can do. It really is upsetting to know it's another thing I'm alone in, and these previous first weeks of my newborns life has been ruined by all this stress and hardship.

So sorry OP. Are his parents nearby? Could they take the baby for a stroll for an hour? Just to give you some respite

@Onedayaway there’s a difference between working hard and working efficiently. Your DH is working hard, spinning his wheels, and making losses. Bottom line is your household is worse off and eating into your savings. How astute is he with his bookkeeping/keeping tabs on profit margins/saving 30% into a separate account for when the taxman comes knocking at the end of the year?

Oh what a nightmare. When the dust has settled would he go to marriage counselling do you think? He really needs to acknowledge how badly he’s let you down in this situation. Though if it was me I know I’d end up biting my tongue because what’s the point? It will get easier, but it’s awful that he’s put you through this.

You've very clearly and logically described the problem OP and its a very knotty one. At least you have had a chance to articulate your feelings, but its very disappointing that it doesn't seem to permeate. I honestly don't know what I would do in your position, other than take it day by day, hour by hour and try not to worry/dwell on the bigger future picture but get through it bit by bit, which it sounds like you are already doing.
Its very sad that this stress is marring your time with your newborn. But you are there, parenting for you two beautiful children and will get through this difficult time somehow. Be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the very best.

You don’t have much leverage in this relationship.That is the problem. He has unilaterally made very risky financial choices for both of you and drained you financially without securing the loans you made to him in any way. You have subsidized his risks but you are not legally entitled to his rewards if any happen.

He has checked out of co parenting and even partnering because (in his mind) his courageous pursuit of his own business is his contribution. But so far it has been all drain snd risk to you and the benefit accrues only to him.

You have said your piece and he has ignored you and gone into a prolonged sulk.

I would seriously start reviewing your finances and working to gain more control over them. Stop transferring money to him. Request the loan back or a signed agreement that it will be paid back with interest. Claw back the child money he took. Accept all help and govt support you can get. Take care of yourself and your babies without expecting much from him as it won’t be forthcoming.

In the end Mr Resentment will either fail and stop repaying any debts to you. Or he will succeed and dump you and all previous debts to you because he’s big mad that you didn’t flatter him and praise him like his parents do.

I doubt he has the emotional intelligence to go to marriage counseling so you are stuck with his mulish behavior.

@Onedayaway

“Well if I didn't I would have had to work more hours for less money..... I wouldn't have been able to take the time off we needed during your pregnancy.... Our money situation would have been the same......”

Did I understand from your OP that he only started working for himself in January? So only a few months?

How much did he earn per month before??

Why did he have to take time off during your pregnancy?? You said early that your part time salary alone has been keeping you all going, so it sounds like you were working.

He may have received more money from clients on a per hour basis, but that is absolutely not the same as earning more money, because after costs he has precisely zero. Actually less be a he is in debt and has stolen from you.

OP, you say that 'It doesn't matter what I say which is why I never bother to speak to him anymore.' Has he only been like this since starting up his own business, or has he always unilaterally made decisions about money?

'His parents think him starting this business is a good thing and that his intentions are pure since it's to get more money and help us in the long run.'

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

His parents need to consider what is actually happening rather than focus on what someone's intentions are.