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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 02/03/2025 20:14

What a selfish loser he is! By all means have a pipe dream but when you're having a child the sole focus should be responsibility, stability and ensuring that the child you are bringing into the world doesn't start life in hardship.

He's failed miserably.

Personally I think you are better off without someone so selfish and downright stupid.

HeyDoodie · 02/03/2025 20:15

Either he goes and lives elsewhere or you go stay with your parents. Absolutely ridiculous that he didn’t prepare for the gap in income when he’s had 9 months to pull his finger out. Ridiculous that he opted to take such a massive risk going self employed when you’re at the most vulnerable. Self centred bloke.

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:15

I think other posters have covered the husband part.

i think in the meantime I would hire a doula for the second week you need help, even if it’s going to cost you out your savings. You just need to survive that second week

Ilovethatbear · 02/03/2025 20:17

His parents? They can fuck off for a start!

He gets a job or you split.

Octavia64 · 02/03/2025 20:18

Back off from him.

Don't think about how you can make him get a job (although obviously he should).

Step back and just think about yourself.

If he can't afford to pay for materials to finish a job for client he's going to be having some tricky conversations, so just let him have them.

Get support in place for you. Speak to friends, speak to your parents.

TotHappy · 02/03/2025 20:19

😲 oh op, you poor, poor sod! I have a dh who is a head-burier and defeated, non-resilient type too, but even he has never done this! FUCK me, I can't believe him!!
It's no wonder you feel like having a breakdown. I strongly agree to talk to your midwife/health visitor if you have made any kind of positive connection with them. See if there's anything they can recommend or refer you to.

WHAT a wanker!

MotherofPearl · 02/03/2025 20:19

The longer I'm on MN the more I despair about men. What on earth is wrong with them?

Hedgingmybetching · 02/03/2025 20:22

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:15

I think other posters have covered the husband part.

i think in the meantime I would hire a doula for the second week you need help, even if it’s going to cost you out your savings. You just need to survive that second week

Hire A Doula?! With what? Magic beans? 😅 She's literally said they have no money, he can't even cover 3 figure overheads for his business.

OP please give the baby your surname on the birth certificate and consider looking at UC options. Xx Good luck.

Sunshine1500 · 02/03/2025 20:22

Honestly I think you should ask him to leave.
you have help for a week, let him move out and sort himself out by the end of the week see how he’s prepared to support you.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 20:23

If you stay op he will keep doing this to you again and again and you will have to keep bailing him out and never have an actual partner that shares life equally with you.
Fuck his parents off, get your parents support and leave the selfish twat.
He is unreliable and cannot be reasoned with, he has ruined this precious time in your life and you can't even get mad at him because he sulks about his own incompetence and feels sorry for himself?
But not sorry for pulling this shit on your hour of need? Not sorry for thr stress he is causing you whilst heavily pregnant with HIS child?

He needs to go asap.

researchers3 · 02/03/2025 20:23

Agree. You don't need to be stroking his ego. He sounds like a little boy. His parents sound awful and enabling.

If he's not prepared to get a job immediately, kick him out, you can then claim UC and will be much better off.

Hope it goes well tomorrow OP. Sorry for the bad timing.

Ps, I've had a c section and was also scared but it was fine. Very chilled.

HeyDoodie · 02/03/2025 20:24

Octavia64 · 02/03/2025 20:18

Back off from him.

Don't think about how you can make him get a job (although obviously he should).

Step back and just think about yourself.

If he can't afford to pay for materials to finish a job for client he's going to be having some tricky conversations, so just let him have them.

Get support in place for you. Speak to friends, speak to your parents.

Actually I agree with this. Focus on you and your baby. Give him and his job situation space. Leave him to sort his own mess out.

Ohapal · 02/03/2025 20:24

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

His family back him? Tell him to ask them to stump up the grand needed to finish this job then.

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:25

Hedgingmybetching · 02/03/2025 20:22

Hire A Doula?! With what? Magic beans? 😅 She's literally said they have no money, he can't even cover 3 figure overheads for his business.

OP please give the baby your surname on the birth certificate and consider looking at UC options. Xx Good luck.

Edited

I read recently about some that do it free or ultra cheap from an altruistic POV.

tbh I would ask other mum friends too etc. I did all the nursery drop off for a friend for 2 weeks when she had her c section.

i know I couldn’t walk more than upstairs or downstairs after either of my c sections. It wouldn’t be a case of just making it work, I would have ripped my stitches driving etc

Msmoonpie · 02/03/2025 20:25

See what you are entitled to as a single mother.

This would be a relationship ender. Especially after his parents previously involved themselves. I wouldn’t let that happen again.

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 20:25

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:55

@BabyFever246 I really don't have anywhere I can go that would be suitable to put me up with the kids and accommodate to my situation so short notice. I've got everything here, sorted and organised for my post op needs. I know if I leave all hell will break loose as well.

What do you mean by “all hell will break loose”?

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 20:27

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:24

Everyone on mumsnet is always so quick to tell people to leave, when the reality is usually always that it’s not that simple.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. The reality is your dh is in over his head and has ballsed this up massively, but it wasn’t his intention and I’m sure his heart was in the right place. Couples go through financial difficulties and rough patches, and mistakes are often made.. I know he probably doesn’t deserve it, but he does need your support. Please speak to extended family and explain your situation. Ask for help, even if it’s just emotional support. Don’t try and face this alone.

You need to put your energy into tomorrow and then both come up with a plan on how to tackle this. Being on your own with baby + young child will be difficult, but not impossible and you will find strength you didn’t know you had when faced with this sort of issue. If you cant tell, I’ve been here and it’s not easy, but it’s also not the time to pack up and leave. Two heads are better than one and keeping your family fed and keeping your home is now the priority.

Best of luck for tomorrow and going forwards ❤️

Actually op would be better served leaving him and claiming UC for her household without him.

He can fuck off and sort his business out by himself, op has herself and two children to look after, no head space or time for a feckless fucker.

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 20:27

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:10

@TinyMouseTheatre last time we had an disagreement his parents got involved and things blew up. It was very ugly and I don't want DC to witness anything like that. Also I just don't think I have the mental strength to oppose 3 against 1.

Good god. You need to shake yourself free of this pathetic failure of a man and his bolshy family. Seriously. You will be entitled to much more support on your own anyway.

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:28

Here we go….

Free doula support is available through organizations like Doula UK, Neighbourhood Doulas, and the Support Me Maternal Project

FluffyDashhound · 02/03/2025 20:28

Maybe short term poverty long term riches. Shit at min but try to be supportive

MumWifeOther · 02/03/2025 20:29

TomatoSandwiches · 02/03/2025 20:27

Actually op would be better served leaving him and claiming UC for her household without him.

He can fuck off and sort his business out by himself, op has herself and two children to look after, no head space or time for a feckless fucker.

That is a very short term solution and doesn’t consider hers or her children’s feelings. Shit happens. Bad shit happens. It’s not always the end.

KidsDoBetter · 02/03/2025 20:29

He is clearly not in the least equipped to run his own business. He isn't managing to complete even the one job he had to do and is letting his family down in the process and also his client (and word will go about that, google reviws etc). He needs to get a job - he is clearly a selfish incompetent twat.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/03/2025 20:29

Ohapal · 02/03/2025 20:24

His family back him? Tell him to ask them to stump up the grand needed to finish this job then.

And they can support your family until his "business" takes off.

If he is already having trouble figuring out how to price a job, especially by that much, it is not looking good for the future.

Bleachbum · 02/03/2025 20:29

It’s really rubbish but at the end of the day he needs to work, and work hard, and finish the job to a good standard. This is his new business and he can’t afford to piss off new clients. He needs them to refer him on. He also needs to learn from this and price his jobs properly so he doesn’t keep falling into this debt trap in order to complete jobs.

As for you, you can manage with an ELC and another child. I had a 20 month old when I had my ELC with my second. I recovered much quicker and was much more physically fit after my ELC than after my first, vaginal birth. My DH could only take a few days off work, enough for me to be in hospital for a couple of days but once I got home, he was pretty much back in the office. Needs must sometimes.

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