MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

You are not being unreasonable. I always pay my share when eating out with my adult children and their families and I often offer to pay the whole bill.

It's very rude and entitled of her to just expect you to pay for her every time you go out. What is her financial situation? Does she struggle or is she quite well off? What does your DH think?

You are right that she should definitely offer to pay for her part, but if previously money was less tight for you guys and you used to pay for her maybe she hasn’t got the memo that this has changed?

What does your husband think?

I have adult children and I always pay for them when we’re out. If they pay it’s always as a very special treat like it’s my birthday or something.

When im with my parents they also insist on paying for me. So the chain goes on…

Has your dh spoken to her, I would go to free museums and attractions, does she babysit or help out at all when she stays over.

Depends on how your husband feels about it tbh

They might have the mentality that he takes care of her now, and she doesn't have to worry about a thing

If it were me, I'd insist on paying my share but just depends on their relationship

YANBU, it's a bit odd to stay and then not even offer to pay for coffee when out as a thanks for your hospitality.

Has she paid huge amounts of money for flights to get to you or something?

I’d just start saying, right that’s £x each then when the bill comes in a restaurant, and just pay your own entry to museums etc, she’s rude to expect you to pay.

So she has also occasionally said to DH ‘I’ll send you the money for this later’ and then if I ask him if she ever did bank transfer the money he says no and I think he feels awkward bringing it up with her.

It’s actually quite an awkward thing to bring up with DH. I’ve mentioned a few times and he said him and his 3 siblings would always just pay the bill growing up and his mum would sometimes pay her share or they would cover it.

But obviously now we are a young family and don’t have a lot of extra income to accommodate. Financially she owns her own house and is comfortable enough.

Very difficult one to address!

No, it’s a 2 hour car journey away. Yes a gesture like this would go a long way. It’s starting to really bother me. Even a little bunch of daffodils when she arrives would make a massive difference.

I can't ever imagine going out with a group of people, to eat, and not offering to at least pay for what i consume. i'ts bizzare.

She arrives empty handed? Nothing for the kids?

She's used to her children paying for her and takes it for granted. It's become customary and an entitlement in her mind. It won't change unless you say something (or your husband does). Expect some push back from her though.

My mother expected her children/grandchildren to always visit her, never the other way round, because 'children all go to the grandmother' in her mind. Where that came from I have no idea. Fairness or equality didn't come into it.

She would visit her friends but expected her family to make all the effort towards her. She was not happy when I changed the boundaries.

Spring is coming. Trips to the playground, to the woods to see bluebells, park to see the ducks and swans. Take a nice packed lunch and say you will get coffee in a cafe later but you are needing to cut spending. And see if she offers to pick up the tab for a change.

My Mil wouldn't dream of putting her hand in her pocket when within a mile radius of dh.

You may have to go all out and go nowhere with her .. except soft play😂 when she eventually mentions it tell her you can’t afford it

Is she skint?

It’s weird isn’t it. People are so different and family/ country culture very definite at the way to do it. In my foo we’re fighting over who pays, mil never offers.
I had an American friend visit recently and he paid for everything- he was adamant that as a rich single American he should always pay, it was quite lovely!!

In that case, reduce her visits a lot. If it's too awkward to get her to pay her way and money is tight, don't have her round.

You just have to say “we can’t afford guests this month” and mean it.

What happens when you're her guests? Does she pay for everything then?

YABU because neither you nor DH have told her to pay up.

My MIL pays for us whenever we see her! She bought me and dh a whole pub lunch with our two kids last weekend!!

I would find your MIL very grating if she had money and isn’t paying her way a bit

Is she financially comfortable?

Probably her husband paid for everything and now she sees your dh in the role of the man who takes charge and pays. She'd probably be insulted if you said anything.
But i couldn't stand that!!!

So, in the same way she cheekily assumed you’ll pay, you need to assertively assume you’ll split. Tell the waiter, “We’ll split this between two cards.”

YANBU - she should offer out of courtesy or if she can’t pay her share at least check in before joining you.

My mother never pays for anything because I know she isn’t able to and I’m okay with that.