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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

263 replies

Starry4321 · 02/03/2025 18:19

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 04/03/2025 05:17

Just fucking ask her to pay.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 07:54

I just have this sense you pay for the person in the family who has less than you

Like the OP with her young family?!

I think this model of a poor little old lady on a tiny pension being treated by a wealthy son and DIL isn't what's happening here.

This is a woman who is coming to stay, suggesting expensive outings, never offering to contribute but expecting a young family (with presumably high housing/childcare costs) to just pay for her.

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 07:56

I am going to be enraged if my DS expects me to bring my own coffee when I visit, personally.
I won't suggest outings.

Moonnstars · 04/03/2025 08:00

middler · 04/03/2025 03:36

Yeah I am with you amele. I always paid everything when my mum came to stay for 3-5 weeks at a time. It would seem so odd to ask her to contribute, we were working she was on a pension and had less. I just have this sense you pay for the person in the family who has less than you and often parents are on a pension right so we insist on paying so my mum got used to that and knew we picked up the tab for her happily. I mean the in laws raised your husband right? I just think it's the norm that the working younger people pay for the older non working people in the family but it does not seem to be the norm on here. I would feel so weird expecting my mum to pay for herself once I got beyond 25 and i had a well paid job.

Show quote history

See I don't think that is necessarily true. My in laws for example live in a large 4 bed home, have plenty of money invested but are still quite tight when they visit. They will pay for things but always look for the cheapest option and won't join in with things that will cost money, even if this deprives them of seeing their grandchildren who MIL always makes a fuss about how she barely sees them. They will visit term time midweek as it is cheaper, then moan they don't see the grandchildren but if suggested they visit on a weekend they refuse as that is more expensive (when we visit we go on a weekend despite the cost, no way would I stay with them as they are quite controlling).

I would say it all depends on specific situations as there are some quite wealthy older people on good pensions whereas younger people with children are paying out high rates for mortgages and childcare fees so don't have the same disposable income.

Mnetcurious · 04/03/2025 08:16

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 07:56

I am going to be enraged if my DS expects me to bring my own coffee when I visit, personally.
I won't suggest outings.

Would you expect them to pay for all the outings and meals out for you though (especially if their finances are tight?) That’s the difference. The op has said she wouldn’t begrudge the coffee if MIL gave some kind of token of appreciation instead of expecting every single thing to be paid for and offering nothing.

springintoaction321 · 04/03/2025 08:23

kaos2 · 03/03/2025 09:42

Do you invite her ? I guess she feels like she is a guest?

I mean she should pay for one meal
Etc as a thank you at least but just trying to understand her mind set

Her mindset is that she's tight as a duck's arse.

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 08:23

Yeah, a cultural thing. I pay everything for my parents and inlaws. I also pay for my sister and BIL when they visit, though we fight over the bill. Guests don't pay. Evens out when we visit.
A saying in my culture: The guest is god.

DullardFrigate · 04/03/2025 08:31

Let her suggest whatever she likes just say "sorry, we've made other plans as we're being careful with money"
Google all the free places to go in your area , look on Groupon or Wowcher for any upcoming deals.
Dc at that age are excited to see a pond of ducks or a field of sheep. Even a pile of stones is interesting to a 1 yr old!

kaos2 · 04/03/2025 08:35

@springintoaction321 for sure !

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 08:38

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 07:56

I am going to be enraged if my DS expects me to bring my own coffee when I visit, personally.
I won't suggest outings.

Hmmm, rather than thinking of it that way, maybe just be aware in future not to suggest expensive outings to your kids and then expect them to pay for both them and you, and the cost of coffee won't ever become an issue!

confusedmate · 04/03/2025 08:42

I've had 2 mils and both over generous. Really feel for you.

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 08:55

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 08:38

Hmmm, rather than thinking of it that way, maybe just be aware in future not to suggest expensive outings to your kids and then expect them to pay for both them and you, and the cost of coffee won't ever become an issue!

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Yeah, we do things differently, really.
My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time.

Flossflower · 04/03/2025 09:19

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 08:55

Yeah, we do things differently, really.
My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time.

Show quote history

I think many people on here will be horrified by the thought of that. I feel horrified and I am the Granny!
I have a few friends of different cultures where they are expected to treat guests well, but even for them it grates after a while. I remember 1 friend telling me about how their guest was using all their saffron up. She couldn’t wait for them to go.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 09:19

Yeah, we do things differently, really.My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time

Does she suggest lots of expensive outings and expect you to pay when she comes?

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 09:32

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 09:19

Yeah, we do things differently, really.My DC are used to granny coming and staying for a month at a time

Does she suggest lots of expensive outings and expect you to pay when she comes?

Not so much these days but I wouldnt be bothered if she did. My money is her money within reason. So not cruises but certainly a museum trip.

Clearly times they are a changing, so I must remember not to go and stay with my DC for longer than 3 days, guests and fish etc etc.😀

It's odd to me how everyone on MN wants a village to take care of their kids like in traditional cultures where community is important, but they don't consider that traditional cultures also mean giving bsck to your parents. The care doesnt flow only one way.

BIossomtoes · 04/03/2025 09:46

The care doesnt flow only one way.

It seems to quite often these days and it often feels quite transactional.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 09:50

Not so much these days but I wouldnt be bothered if she did.

But if money was tight for you, and not for her, you probably would be bothered.

Lentilweaver · 04/03/2025 09:56

I'd go without something- not food but any small luxuries- to buy one museum ticket or her lunch. Or for my MIL. Or any close family. I have in the past when money was tight.

Anyway, everyone has their own way of doing things. I can imagine it's hard when two cultures collide, though.

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 10:14

I can't comprehend this. We don't ask our parents to pay. That is deeply insulting to them and to us. It is cultural but many, many of our British friends are exactly the same. That's his mum. Does she help out in other ways? Ours will always arrive with some cooked food, help out with the kids when with us etc.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 04/03/2025 10:26

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 10:14

I can't comprehend this. We don't ask our parents to pay. That is deeply insulting to them and to us. It is cultural but many, many of our British friends are exactly the same. That's his mum. Does she help out in other ways? Ours will always arrive with some cooked food, help out with the kids when with us etc.

But the OP's mil doesn't do any of that.

It's all very one-sided, and that's not cricket.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 10:31

*I can imagine it's hard when two cultures collide, though.

Is your MIL from a different culture, @Starry4321 ?

TorroFerney · 04/03/2025 10:41

BIossomtoes · 04/03/2025 09:46

The care doesnt flow only one way.

It seems to quite often these days and it often feels quite transactional.

Agree, for my mum it most certainly flows one way which is I do it all and she does nothing.

BlueFlowers5 · 04/03/2025 11:06

Maybe she sees being treated as part of unconditional love as family.

Try and change her approach to this as treating your DH and you as unconditional love too.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 11:22

ConnieSlow · 04/03/2025 10:14

I can't comprehend this. We don't ask our parents to pay. That is deeply insulting to them and to us. It is cultural but many, many of our British friends are exactly the same. That's his mum. Does she help out in other ways? Ours will always arrive with some cooked food, help out with the kids when with us etc.

It's very clear from OP's posts that her MIL doesn't help out in other ways either. The relationship is very one-sided in the MIL's favour.

raffegiraffe · 04/03/2025 11:29

My mil is the same. It irks me a bit that she doesn't offer but I will always pay anyway as she has done loads for us in terms of babysitting over the years so it feels fair. My mum is the other way and always pays more than her share.