MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

Be honest. If she suggests lunch or an activity explain that's not in your budget.

My MIL does this. She is a widow and her DH would always have paid. I think she likes to be treated and just doesn’t consider the money. She is very comfortable and has far more disposable income than we do. She even expected my mum to pay for her coffee at a cafe when she ‘forgot’ her handbag. It’s not a huge amount of money - but I couldn’t imagine just assuming that others are just happy to pay for me.

Eurgh mine does this so I avoid going out for meals as it infuriates me!

This.

or conveniently forget your card and say ‘since we have paid the last few times can you pay for this, thanks’

I find it weird that growing up all the children had to split by three and pay for her, and that has just continued. Then when she does bring something it is clearly a hand me down book. When she comes visit can she not just stay in with dh and dc while you go out? Then at least you won’t see her to get annoyed!

I couldn't imagine making my son pay for me but then again I always pay for my mother or MIL when we go for coffee or eat out but the thing is they never expect it as a given and are generous with the children either way.
How old were your husband and his siblings when she started this?

If we had the money I'd love to pay for my in laws and my parents. However with young kids money is sparce and they usually end up paying for us 😫I'm guessing you've been paying for a long time and it's become the norm, so I imagine its quite difficult to bring up now. I would just make it clear you haven't got much money at the moment, and say you simply can't afford to do much at the moment, unless it's free.

Buy the cheapest own brand coffee for her visits, if you're out, go to Mcdonalds or Tesco for a drink, the more crowded the better, make it uncomfortable.

I know others that this has happened to, and it was following the death of their husband. Husband had always paid for everything.

My PILs are just like this. They arrange meals out and sit back waiting for us to pay. They order plenty of alcohol and say they will pay their own drinks bill but never do.

It's very annoying but they're already two faced so I'm not speaking up and giving them ammunition. My parents are the opposite, trying to give us money for everything and I have to insist we pay our share or treat them.

Your husband should start dropping hints about not being able to afford things at the moment and your MIL might think twice about it when it comes to paying.

how is this “our” money coming in, OP?

Do you work or is your DH the only one working? If he doesn’t have a problem spending on his mom now and then, I think you should ignore it.

Haha.

Not much. They are millionaires. I bought them an ice cream last summer but tbh can’t afford to treat them much

I would spring it on her, not give her advance warning. So you're in line at the National Trust tea shop and you turn to her and say "we'll get ours and you get yours today ok? money is a bit tight" then turn away and get your own tray of tea and cakes only. She has zero choice and cannot argue.

Or in a restaurant you ask them to split the bill so your MIL only has to pay for herself and you pay for the rest. You ask the waiter in front of her, you don't ask her.

You have to instigate the change, not be mousy about it.

If it's to the detriment of the house hold and their shared child then she has a right to bring this up as a concern.

His mother is not a dependant.

Very odd as usually the guess at least buys a meal for hosts when out, or at least takes a token something when staying. If it's become a habit for her I think I'd do as others have suggested, make it clear by choosing free activities or picnic, actually say we can't eat out this time we can't afford it at the moment. If that doesn't make it obvious just don't do anything that costs money!

I think given it’s a bit awkward to ask her to pay, next time she comes, arrange things outdoors and if she suggests something with a cost say money is tight and you are tightening your belts as you can’t afford to spend on coffee / days out right now. She may get the hint, she may just go and enjoy the free stuff. My mum always offers to pay, these days I often insist on paying as when I had less money she always put her hand in her pocket. Ex PIL were so difficult to say no to, once we took them for a meal and ex went and ordered the food and paid the day before so they didn’t insist on paying!

Can’t imagine visiting DDs or eating out with them and not offering to pay or just paying the bill.
Next time she visits do free things, a long walk, take lo to the play park. Sit on a bench and take a flask of coffee. She’ll soon get the message.

Also they are married, so the money either of them makes belongs equally to the other one. Basic, well-known fact.

I don't think I've ever been to my son and DIL's without taking something with me, same as when I'd visit my parents.

Oh, I see so many of these threads and I get so mad! My parents have been on-the-bones-of-their-arses poor for stretches of their lives. They would share their last penny with their children and they would make sure their grandchildren had some treat or even a regular monthly payment into their savings accounts before they asked any of their children to put their hands in their pockets. I have had to insist on paying for them, and they really fight to put 'their share into the pot' at Christmas, Easter, any time we do anything as simple as take them up the road in our car to the supermarket!

What is it with these P/PILs? do they uniformly think, "Oh, I brought up DCs, now it's their turn to pick up every cup of coffee/museum ticket/sandwich lunch'?? Grrr.

This is why the western way is bizarre. If my mum or mil come out with us anywhere, best believe we are covering them. There's no way I would feel comfortable for them paying their share of the bill. My parents and parents in-laws, do offer to pay, but there's just no way we'll let them. They'll be times when they arrange something in advance and pay for it. I think it's a horrible mindset to have, to think ur parents should pay their way with their own children.

Might have already been suggested but if she suggests going somewhere like a museum, or out for coffee/lunch immediately shoot it down by saying (politely) “sorry we don’t have the money for that at the moment”. Her reaction will tell you a lot!

If they are married, all the money earned between them, is "theirs". Basic law.
Are you not married Bridget Jones? (I think the name answer the question, really).

My mil is also like this.
in her case it's she's "the guest", "the princess" and deserves "special treatment" And to be treated.

We are on the other side of this and the above is good advice.
You have to dig in and be as bold as she is. AND make it your DHs problem.

I hate doing it because im naturally generous and it makes me feel so petty and grubby and begrudging but i sat DH down and explained his mother was costing us about £1.5k per annum... and it HAD to stop.

Dh reduced frequency when it started hitting his personal spends pocket. i then took it from there.
I "Plan the weekend" in advance around free things. I take coffee in a thermos and own snacks. Dh doesnt plan, panics then throws money at it. Its easier and cheaper for me to own it.
If she suggested an impromptu lunch I'd say "who is paying?" Which is so awkward but I'd just leave it hanging. 🙈 When she demured or said something indirect I'd say "I'm on mat leave so if we are paying for everyone again we'd rather eat at home"
Then let it hang.... uncomfortably

With the museum I'd got practiced as we had this shit a lot.
I'd have walked her there and said you pop in and enjoy we will see you back at the house because...the baaaaaby OR I'd get in first and say "two tickets please!" And if she asked me to get hers id say "oh sorry its already being put through. Its just as easy to get your own!" 😁
I'd say this even when it blatantly wasnt true 🙈 and we'd all just watch it uncomfortably play out in awkward silence 😅😅😅😅

When she suggested expensive things she'd like to do i eventually got to the point where i was as ignorant as her and just said "do you realise our mortgage and childcare is over £7k per month so we dont go to michelin restaurants much these days"

She eventually got the picture and now puts her hand in her pocket once in a while and says "shall we do X - its my treat" the first time she said that it blew my brain 🤯 (its never been a michelin restaurant more pizza express but still!!!!) And i HATE that i had to stoop to her level for her to behave properly.

Some people are just uneducated, rude and entitled.

I think this is one your DH needs to handle as it's his mother. I agree if it's day visits, then go somewhere free and take a packed lunch. Tell her to bring her own sandwiches as that's what you intend to do for lunch.

I have been very fortunate and my parents always pay or offer to pay when we go out. I think your MIL is being rather tight, and should at least pay for her own costs at least some of the time.

Remember you have an issue with your finances being affected by her visits. That’s not insignificant. Your dhs issue is not more important than yours. Your dh could act on his issue and ensure she’s welcome around by ensuring she pays. If he chooses not to mention to her to pay, then in my book he’s also choosing for her not to be welcome at your house. These are his choices.

and definitely buy cheap coffee and have it the only one visible!