MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

My parents think we are loaded as we both earn what they think is a huge wage. They have no idea how little that stretches to these days. They both are retired on final salary pensions and have no mortgage.

This seems the obvious solution. Except given that you've said that she's expected her kids to pay for her since their late teens, she's unlikely to offer now.

Of course it's awkward for your DH, OP. It's nailed into his family dynamics that his mum never pays, but at the same home it's hurtful and embarrassing.

I think sons just like to pay for their mums - nothing wrong with that!

DS2 is very wealthy and always insists on paying so I don't even offer; DS1 less well off but still pays, although I do genuinely offer. However, DS1 has two teenage children who I spend a small fortune on e.g. theatre tickets, and restaurants (huge teenage appetites). So I think swings and roundabouts.

My ex always paid for his parents, as I did my mother.

So much meanness here towards MILs, and mothers.

When you're all older I'm sure you'll let your sons pay for you!

Unless you are impoverished it would be a nice gesture to offer once in a while with your DS2. He’s happy to treat you but don’t take it for granted.

I think next time she visits I would say something like "We would love to go for lunch and a museum but it's just too expensive to do both - which would you prefer?" and repeat every time. If she doesn't then offer to pay her way or split costs I would do focus on doing free things with the children so they can still have fun with her without it causing financial issues.

The issue is the payments for the lunches, visits etc are coming from our joint account as that’s how we budget for this type of thing. Right now every penny is accounted for as we have young children and I am on reduced hours for childcare purposes. My DH has said he can use his own money to cover MILs part. But an offer to contribute every so often would be welcome as our extra money right now is going on our young children.

This mystifies me as we always pay when we go out with our adult kids. I see completely what you mean about the bunch of daffs @Starry4321, one of our offspring is like this. I don’t know why because they were brought up always to take something when they visit.

I’d just start ordering food and tickets separately. Museums etc - just by yours and then stand back so she can buy hers and if she doesn’t, she isn’t going in! Food - when you’re ordering make a point of totting up what it comes to and saying something like “moneys tight so have to watch what I’m spending” then when the bill comes say “mines XXX” and pay that.

I'm not sure why this is any different to any other 3 adults going out to eat / drink.

That's £30 so £10 each.

Why does it have to be awkward?

@Starry4321 she must be very dense if she cannot see that a young family nowadays has very little disposable income! If she is not going to pay her own way, then dont go anywhere that needs a payment. just go to the park or the beach for walks. someone needs to tell her that you cannot afford it.

It's not meanness towards MILs and mothers. OP and her DH are not in a financial position to be able to afford to treat OP's MIL all the time and she absolutely should not expect it.

I'm older and I don't expect my adult sons to pay for me. They have young families to support.

It sounds as though OP's MIL expected her sons to pay for her from when they were late teens. That wasn't reasonable or normal.

I would say "we can't afford to go out for lunch today as money is tight so we'll stay here" etc

Maybe she's just not thinking it through. Say it out loud. Not "you should pay your share" more like "We'll take sandwiches when we go out with the kids, buying meals out is just too dear." or "No, we won't go there, let's go to X museum, it's free admission." No harm in saying, if trips out are suggested by her, you're on a tight budget these days. If she doesn't understand and still persists in sitting on her hands when the bill comes round, then you need to talk to DH and see if he can talk to her.

Personally I think it's appalling, if I stay with friends or family, I will always pay for everyone for a meal out while I'm there, or take a gift or something - I turned up at a relative's house with a big joint of beef once!

Good luck negotiating this without a fall out.

If paying for HER meals out etc is affecting the carefully balanced and tight family budget, that's not mean, it's common sense. You are obviously paying for stuff for your grandchildren, this lady isn't.

Can't answer for your MiL OP but when I go to visit my adult kids and their families I don't stay with them. We do usually split the bill between us when we go out for lunch but often DD2 will pay for coffees out as she knows it costs me a lot in train fares and a one night stay in a nearby B&B. I drive an hour to DD1 and we don't often go out anywhere but if we do I pay my own way (can't afford to pay for the whole family). I buy a lot for my DGSs though. Your DH needs to get over his embarrassment and let his mother know how hard your current financial state is.

When she suggests a paid activity, can you say 'that sounds lovely. It's £X each - just checking you're ok to cover your entrance? We'd love to treat you but sadly we're a bit tight at the moment'

Meh he he. Might try this😂

How would DH using his own money work then? Do you have a set amount you each have for personal spends? If so, I think this needs to start being enforced. If he'd rather pay for his mother than ask her for money or stop doing things that cost money, that's up to him as long as his own personal spends will cover the costs. But it needs to actually happen.

If he does not in fact have personal spends sufficient to cover it, you do need to make clear that yours won't be going on it. I would stop doing paid activities at that point.

So when she says
”lets go for coffee” you say “ sorry vera money is tight at the minute with childcare costs, lets take a flask and go to the park”
”how about going to X museum/stately home/attraction today?” You say “sorry Vera thats a no from us even a cheap family ticket/concessions for the baby will be £X and our budget doesn't stretch to that, so lets take a flask and go to the park/other free activity”
“how about a takeaway?” You say “sorry Vera I have already bought tonights tea as we meal plan around our budget. Its X and I have some (nice treat) as dessert.”
And so on …..

Do you invite her ? I guess she feels like she is a guest?

I mean she should pay for one meal
Etc as a thank you at least but just trying to understand her mind set

I think this is pretty cheeky tbh!
My MIL is pretty well off and generous to a fault. When she visits for example for a weekend she come laden with gifts, flowers, nice fruit like strawberries etc!
If we went out for the day she'd insist on paying everyone's entry and lunch.
We would of course make dinner here for her but when she's here for longer than a couple of days she usually offers to take us out for dinner or treat us to a takeaway or something.

My advice would be this (as your DH appears to have an issue talking this through with his mother).
Tell him that if he doesn't start talking to his mother about how she is taking liberties here with spending your money, money btw that could be put aside into savings or towards things your child(ren) will need over time, then you will and mean it.

Tell your mother in law that if she suggests a day out, it's on her. She pays. Don't be the ones reaching for your wallet every single time. She coughs up.
If she finds it too expensive, then there may be cheaper or more affordable options that you could do instead.

She isn't a guest, she is family. She is treating the visits like she is a guest and that has to stop. She is to start bringing her coffee with her at the very least.

Just to drive the point home with your DH, try if you can to work out how much it costs to have his mother visiting as often as she does. How much extra it costs in groceries (if she needs something specific bought for her use only, point that out as you wouldn't normally be including it on the shopping list otherwise), how much each lunch/dinner out costs (that you probably wouldn't be doing as often if she wasn't visiting), how much the day trips out cost. Show him the bottom line. Blokes tend to do better when they see the bottom line (not sure why and that is a sweeping generalisation but they do seem to prefer to have the facts to hand).

My father in law does the sneaking to the till, my husband hates it because we invariably have my mum with us who doesn’t even bring her purse out or say thanks and he doesn’t think his dad should be paying for my mum who never ever reciprocates.

i don’t expect her to pay for a whole meal as we invite her and arrange it but it’s bizarre not to even try to offer something. She gets ferried there and back and never says anything remotely like thank you.

she has over the last 18 months paid for coffees probably on four occasions when I have met her so that’s something I suppose.

she wouldn’t ever think of bringing anything when she comes for a meal to our house.

for Me it’s not that I want my mum to pay I think it’s rude to not even offer a token or to say thank you or quite obvious it habe brought any money out. You are describing something different which is someone offering to pay.

You certainly can reduce her visits.

The issue you're having is because he can't or won't have a conversation with her about how expensive her visiting you has become.
He shouldn't have an issue as you're not saying "Don't come, ever!" what you are saying is "We can't afford it when you do come, so come less often and we'll be ok with that".

Also, if he has an issue with her visiting you, he could go to visit her.