MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

I think you and DH need to have separate pots for (nuclear) family money and money for fun to use for personal hobbies and socializing and treats. If he wants to treat her to lunch it comes from his fun pot, not your nuclear family pot. Then he can be the only one making a 'loss' not you or your children. It removes the argument. You won't be so upset about her cheek if it's a conscious choice of your husbands to sacrifice his video game or beer in the pub budget for her meals. You'll abide by this rule when you spend time with your friends and family too.

The OP has said she doesn't.

The OP also said she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested

That doesn't sound terrible nice.

The mil is turning up empty handed and expecting to be entertained. If she was turning up laden with food saving Op cooking/shopping or taking the 1 yr old regularly to save £70 a day nursery then I doubt op would begrudge the cups of coffee or a ticket. It sounds very one sided.

You are incredibly ignorant and entitled.

OP ISN'T incredibly wealthy and her MIL isn't spending money on her DC.
So both the situations with your DC are completely different to OP's.

Also the fact that you don't even offer to pay with your eldest is massively rude. You should always offer even if you know he is going to decline.

This isn't a case of anyone being nasty to a MIL.

And I have a feeling you have some very outdated ideas about men paying and are struggling with some sexism and internalised misogyny, due to the language in your post.

I am so glad my Mil isnt anything like you.

But do they return the favour if you visit them and pay for you?

Good grief - my FIL at 85 always offers to pay - often for all of us -

@Moonnstars totally agree - my FIL has no doubt less monthly income than we do but has way less costs and way way more assets -

yes, they do.

My MIL never bought so much as an ice-cream for us all in 30 years of holidays, meals out etc.
Also, if we had a meal at hers, I don't eat meat and she never once provided an alternative. I brought something myself.

This is the point your situation is reciprocal

My DH was expected to pay for everything including expensive group meals when we visit. And when we host.

in my family who are white European we are the same as you - in fact if there no clear “owner” of a bill in a restaurant either someone sneaks off and pays or they all fight
and argue to pay.

but when you are dealing with someone who is essentially a parasite in a dress it’s different and very difficult to handle if you’ve been raised to be generous and have a giving nature.

Love is unconditional, finances are not unlimited. If they can’t afford it, that’s nothing to do with love.

I’m sorry but I think you need to both come up with ideas for cheap or even free days out when MIL is visiting. If she suggests going out for a meal or to a museum etc I think you and DH need to simply say that you can’t afford it / money is a bit tight or whatever.
I think your DH and his siblings need to
address her hoarding issues, it’s a mental health disorder and isn’t safe for her to live this way as she ages, I’m wondering if she’s spending every penny that comes in on buying junk to hoard!! Or on take away / eating out because her kitchen is unusable?! Maybe she needs a referral to
adult social services as she could be living in a death trap/fire hazard!

And I’m saying that out of concern…. What if there’s a fire and the fire service can not get her? What if her hoard falls on her and injures her and she can’t notify anyone, or crushes her to death. What if she is taken unwell and the ambulance crew can not get to her?…. It’s something that needs addressing and addressing properly.
what triggered her hoarding? Was the house bad when kids were small or did it start when they were leaving for uni?…. I can guarantee it’s got much worse, but maybe being able to have her DC and DGC to visit will be a good incentive to deckutter?! She needs counselling though and help and support from family