MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

I'd always pick up the whole tab. Why wouldn't I? I have more money than a young couple with my Grandchild!

My mum is widowed and my dad used to always get the bill for things, but this in no way means that she doesn't pay. I never ask her, she always just gives me the money. I don't think this can be used as a reason.

We always pay for MIL as we are genuinely better off. In your case though, I’d stop going out, free days out and meals at home. It’s expensive enough just having houseguests to stay and a meal out can literally be a week’s shopping trip. It sounds like neither of you can easily afford it so you just stay home (frankly, I keep it boring with MIL and hope she doesn’t come often!).

I think the difference is .. at least they offer. You don’t feel taken for granted and they do want to treat you too. The OPs situation is someone who never even reaches for her wallet, when this happens over years , it starts to grate!

I always always pick up the tab. Young couples have high mortgages. Life isn't easy for them.
Plus I have more disposable income as I don't have to pay for their school uniforms, shoes, trainers, hobbies and driving lessons anymore.
I love treating them.
My Mum was the same with me. We are Irish and tend to "play it downwards", spending more on younger people.
Assuming no cultural issues, I think your MIL is mean.

Next time move the bill over to her and say "I'll send you the money for this later" 😉

is she driving to you? If so then maybe she thinks that the money she pays for petrol to come to see you is all she needs to pay. I had a family member think that.

Not even this - buy a flask for coffee to have with the sandwiches.

It’s an awkward one. If I go anywhere with my dad and my daughter he pays. It’s not a conversation it’s just he will pay and if it’s his birthday or Father’s Day or an occasion then we would pay. With my in laws I went for coffees/ lunch etc all the time with my mil when I was in mat leave and she always insisted on paying although I’d always offer. Now it’s less often but she’s still insistent on paying for anything. She said she wants to treat her family. I wouldn’t grudge if she let me or wanted me to pay but if I was struggling to afford it I’d be making cheap plans and in conversation mention how things are going up, I’ve cut my hours etc and hope she offers to split.

I am the same. Always pay when I take adult kids out with grandchildren too.

That’s interesting. I believe certain immigrant communities also have very expensive weddings that are paid for by the parents. Others set aside savings for house deposits and business start up costs for children. Can I ask who pays for the weddings in your culture?

To be fair, it's a different culture here. I have friends from other parts of the world, who like you said would never expect parents/Pils to pay for anything. However, in those cultures, the parents don't charge their adult children rent and provide more support than is the norm here, so horses for courses, I guess.

I almost always pay for my kids/kids in law when we go out. We don't live in a cheap area for housing, and one couple has nursery fees to pay etc. While I'm retired with my mortgage paid off and a lot more disposable income. I do occasionally let them pay if they insist, as I don't want to infantilise them or have them take me for granted (not that they ever would).

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

Same here. DH would also never accept my mother paying her share for lunch/coffees either.

She should be offering to pay for the entire bill if you're putting her up aswell!

For her future visits just say we can't go out anywhere this weekend because we're skint at the moment, we're just going to play monopoly and make crafts out of yoghurt pots and loo rolls, and just keep doing that til she either gets the hint and steps up, or stops coming (hurrah?)

No she hasn’t. However my husband said that she has helped him out with money when he was younger (before we met - usual things needed when in university etc) so that’s why he doesn’t resent paying her back now this way.

My in-laws were like this - with everyone - for decades from the moment we met till they died. Their DD tried the same trick. She always arrived empty handed, brought lots of others, stayed for eleven hours, wouldn’t lift a finger, refused to host but continued to invite herself to us. I suggested she host but she wasn’t having it, and she had no qualms as she treats all the same. She begrudges others, expects and doesn’t appreciate how much her AC indulge her. We’ve been depicted as difficult, haven’t seen her or her family for years. Do we care? Hell no. Only cards at birthdays and Christmas are exchanged now.

If your HB is not willing to have an open conversation with her then stop taking her anywhere that will result in you picking up the tab. As has been suggested up thread as the weather improves you should limit your excursions to parks and playgrounds. Take your children snacks and drinks then you have no need to visit any cafes or eateries.

At home hide any good coffee and buy in a £1 jar from the supermarkets own brand.

I had the same problem pre-DC when MIL and her partner would sit back and wait for DH and I to pay for meals. Never treated us. DH never confronted her. I think it would have been a few thousand all up that we spent entertaining them. MIL doesn’t want to be too involved as a grandparent so we don’t see each other that much and we don’t have outings like that, more coffee at home type of thing.

I think your MiL is rude and entitled but it's up to your DH to tell her money is tight post DGC. She needs to pay her way. I always pay for all of my DC, partners and DGC whenever we go out but I can afford to and I like to treat them as I don't see them every month.

I’ve mentioned a few times and he said him and his 3 siblings would always just pay the bill growing up and his mum would sometimes pay her share or they would cover it.

Growing up? What sort of age do you mean here?

Probably from late teens, 20’s onwards. Certainly before he had a wife and children.

Next time you go out for lunch, could you try and split the event by saying something like "I'll pay for lunch here, then how about we go for a walk and then mil you could get the coffees at xyz cute cafe?"

It is more than fair as you're paying for lunch, but it also gives her a shit of reality that she should also pay.

Get some cash out.
Tell her next visit, we are really struggling at the moment.
If she says can we go to x for lunch say yes, we will give you the money for our food, then you can just pay for yours.
If she wants to go to the zoo say the same , we have x amount, we will give it to you so you can buy all our tickets...
Never use your card in front of her.
If she.moans say shall we just go to the park as free....

MIL we love seeing you and having you to stay but we can’t afford to treat you at the moment. Are you happy to chip in so we can do things together?