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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

263 replies

Starry4321 · 02/03/2025 18:19

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

OP posts:
WellsAndThistles · 02/03/2025 20:20

Stop going anywhere with her for a few weeks and if she mentions it, let her know you can't afford it.

If DH is so keen to pay, he can take his Mum out on his own without you.

WeekendFreedom · 02/03/2025 20:20

Waterlilysunset · 02/03/2025 20:05

Haha.

Not much. They are millionaires. I bought them an ice cream last summer but tbh can’t afford to treat them much

Show quote history

Ahh well an ice cream is better than nothing haha

suburburban · 02/03/2025 20:21

amele · 02/03/2025 20:16

This is why the western way is bizarre. If my mum or mil come out with us anywhere, best believe we are covering them. There's no way I would feel comfortable for them paying their share of the bill. My parents and parents in-laws, do offer to pay, but there's just no way we'll let them. They'll be times when they arrange something in advance and pay for it. I think it's a horrible mindset to have, to think ur parents should pay their way with their own children.

Why?

My dm pays for us sometimes as she has more disposable income, I pay for my own dc who are adults some of the time

Pyracanthaberries · 02/03/2025 20:21

My sympathies OP, my Mil is the same, never offers to pay for or contribute anything. We just don’t offer to take her out anywhere costly anymore as not only did she never offer to contribute, she would be very critical of the outing such as the restaurant for example when it had been really nice.

She doesn’t have any health or money issues. It’s to the point that she doesn’t even offer us a cup of tea when we visit her, my husband makes it and if we go to hers for dinner, my husband either brings a take away in or cooks something at home and takes it for us to all eat. If she comes to ours for dinner she always arrives empty handed, even at Christmas.

If she asks for bits of shopping to pick up on the way to hers, she will never offer my husband the money for them. Entitled behaviour and it drove me insane but I’ve known her so long now I just expect it and don’t get annoyed anymore 😬

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/03/2025 20:23

I feel your pain. My 2 adult men boys would never even think to offer to pay for dinner, they just assume🙄
Can't wait until they've got their own families 😂

Lentilweaver · 02/03/2025 20:25

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

I wonder what happens when a culture that pays marries a culture that doesn't, so to speak.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/03/2025 20:26

"I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits."

No, the obvious answer is to pay for your part and not hers. So you go to the museum and pay for two adults and one child and she pays her part, or you pre-pay and tell her 'yours was X mil'. Same when out for lunch.

Kisskiss · 02/03/2025 20:26

Do we have the same mil 😂
lots o empathy for you as my mil is the same, whether we visit or she visits she has never stuck her hand in her purse once in the 19 years I’ve known her when we’ve been at a restaurant or cafe or pub.
Very awkward situation as it’s almost not worth upsetting the Apple Cart even though she is obviously being tight and unreasonable

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 02/03/2025 20:27

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/03/2025 20:23

I feel your pain. My 2 adult men boys would never even think to offer to pay for dinner, they just assume🙄
Can't wait until they've got their own families 😂

Jesus....
honestly next time when bill comes put your card down and say "that's to cover my third" to the waiter.
Then sit back, watch their eyes get wider and enjoy the show 😅

Gwenhwyfar · 02/03/2025 20:27

Lentilweaver · 02/03/2025 20:25

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

I wonder what happens when a culture that pays marries a culture that doesn't, so to speak.

Why insulted? They're older than you and quite likely have more money. I have no problem with people who have more money than me offering to pay!
Obviously, if they're poorer, I'd just decline.

Kisskiss · 02/03/2025 20:28

Lentilweaver · 02/03/2025 20:25

I would be highly insulted if my mum or MIL offered to pay for anything.

I wonder what happens when a culture that pays marries a culture that doesn't, so to speak.

my culture is we fight for the bill ( to pay) and my husbands culture is apparently to avoid paying for anything if they can.
i started to get annoyed when they did it to my parents / aunties ( ie let pple pay for them ALL the time) like they were children

tigerlily9 · 02/03/2025 20:31

Don’t go out or do activities when she visits- just go to the park and take a picnic. If she suggests anything, no sorry money is short at the moment with children costs and can’t afford to pay for everything.
Then she will have to decide what she wants to do. And going to the park /walk etc is quite a nice activity in all weathers imo.

Lentilweaver · 02/03/2025 20:34

Gwenhwyfar · 02/03/2025 20:27

Why insulted? They're older than you and quite likely have more money. I have no problem with people who have more money than me offering to pay!
Obviously, if they're poorer, I'd just decline.

Show quote history

Neither my mum nor my MIL have more money..In certain immigrant families the boomers are the poor ones.
But even otherwise I am not ok taking money from family.
That's just how it is. My BIL bought meba free laptop ( he works in tech) and wouldnt take money.

sSssssssssssssOOO · 02/03/2025 20:35

Has she helped your family out in the past, for example with your wedding or house deposit?

It's hard to understand but might she feel awkward offering to pay. My MIL would have and she wasn't mean just a bit weird.

weirdoboelady · 02/03/2025 20:38

A sideways approach... contact her before she comes and ask her to bring her Waitrose card and a portable coffee cup. Then the approach is 'we'll get coffee while we're in Waitrose. We've taken to doing this to save money, as things are tight ATM and it's a nice way of having coffee out'.

Barleysugar86 · 02/03/2025 20:39

My MIL struggles for money and she always offers to pay her way as a matter fo pride. If I've ever bought tickets to treat everyone she's offering the money even after knowing it's a present. We try and let her pick up the small things (the round of teas at the cafe rather than the meal out later) as I know she'll hurt for it later. But there is really no excuse for how your MIL is treating you!

Definitely firmly set boundaries. Have cash for your share- suggest she puts it on her card and you'll give her the cash etc. Stop rolling over and not saying anything.

Mary46 · 02/03/2025 20:39

Op my mother never offers. Maybe its as dad always paid for her. She lets son in laws get her drinks too lol

Motheranddaughter · 02/03/2025 20:41

We always pay for my mum
My ILS are loaded and always pay for us,although we do offer

Shinyandnew1 · 02/03/2025 20:44

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

That really isn't the obvious answer, no!

You could...

  1. Go to cheap/free places when she's down, and if she says, 'but I wanted to go to x', tell her that money is tight and you've being careful. Take rolls and a drink with you for lunch as well-we did that all the time when mine were little.
  1. You pay for just you.
TwistedWonder · 02/03/2025 20:48

My own mum is 80 years old and she would wrestle the bill out of anyone’s hands to ensure are pays. Even offering to pay she looks at me like I’ve insulted her.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/03/2025 20:50

Is she just a miserly person with everyone? I have an aversion to stingy people. Some people are so tight that I am embarassed for them. Somebody once stole 20 cent from my father, and he knew what he was doing🤣

ElleintheWoods · 02/03/2025 20:57

Do people really pay ‘shares’ with immediate family?

In my case it’s always been one treating the others and people taking turns to do so. Would never dream of splitting the bill with close family.

But if she’s better off than you (does she know that?) then she should offer to take you out. Or you should say you can’t afford to go out to then promote that.

ilovesushi · 02/03/2025 20:58

That is crazy to me. My parents and in laws would always pick up the whole tab. If we insisted on paying or paid our share, they'd find another way to treat us.

Schoolrefusa · 02/03/2025 21:03

Personally if it were me as she's such close family I'd just let it go I think and treat her as one of you eg if you and your dh wouldn't go to something that is expensive don't , but if you do then include her too . The coffee just wouldn't bother me unless she's there for weeks on end !

It sounds unlikely to be a major issue if she lives 2 hours away and I agree it's quite thoughtless of her but we are all different and maybe you being generous might help her to learn to be a bit more generous too, you can always hope ! Also I wonder if she feels she's made an effort travelling so it's nice to feel welcomed and hosted to some extent.

pestowithwalnuts · 02/03/2025 21:06

When she suggests going somewhere just say you can't. You don't have the money to pay for 3 adults..
Or just pay yours and let her pay for her own