MIL doesn’t offer to pay her share when we meetup

[Starry4321]

So we meetup with my MIL regularly. She has just stayed with us this weekend. Something that I’ve noticed is that if we go out for occasional lunch or do any activities she never offers to pay her share. DH and I have a 1 year old and money is tighter than it used to be right now, which is why I think this has started to bother me. When she stayed this weekend we did a couple of things and when the bill arrived she just sat waiting for us to pay without offering her part. We also went to a museum and she again waited for us to pay, despite this being something she suggested. When she stays I naturally ensure house has food for us to cook meals for her so I do feel we are being accommodating in that respect.

I get that the obvious answer is don’t go anywhere when she comes but this isn’t practical with a 1 year old where everyone wants to go and do something when she visits.

AIBU for wishing she would at least offer?

DH needs to tell his mum that you’re short of money these days. If mil doesn’t offer her share, start going just to free activities and take a thermos of tea.

Hmm. Just because she has a large house doesn’t mean she has a lot of disposable income. 2 hours worth of petrol if she’s driving to you (?) is quite expensive in itself. I think it is quite odd but ultimately it’s up to your dh to say something.

Sympathies OP. My mum is like this, and she’s not short of funds! Eg on a rainy day when I have to find something with a bit of inside to please everyone we might stop at the cafe to get hot drinks. She NEVER puts her hand in her pocket! In some ways I just can’t face all the you should pay for this etc so just leave it. But it would be lovely to have a parent who spoiled me a bit, I have friends whose parents pay for holidays and big meals out.

She had some second hand books for our toddler which was something but that was it. Even a jar of decent coffee to share would be nice as she’s a heavy coffee drinker.

when making arrangements for the day, make them economic, a picnic, sandwiches from home, a walk, free activities. If she suggests something costly, tell her you don’t have the cash for it. If she wants to do a costly activity she can pay on entry.

Can’t really reduce her visits as I feel DH would start to have an issue with her coming around less. We have discussed the financial aspect and he agrees she should pay her way but it’s a very awkward conversation for some reason.

Echoing others with free activities. Park, playground, walk, library? Hide your decent coffee & buy a jar of supermarket cheapie. If she mentions it then a perfect opportunity to say we are having to cut back. She might bring you a decent jar next visit!

If she suggests going out to somewhere/something that has a cost, simply say that money is tighter now and you don't have the budget for it.

We had this with my MIL but we stopped it straight away.
Just tell her if she’s joining you she needs to pay for her own.

The first time
We took her on holiday and paid for the accommodation and travel ( all in a car to Guernsey ) …she didn’t offer to pay
We went shopping for food. She put what she wanted in the trolley and stood back at the tills. My dh loaded it on the conveyor separately to ours and said she needs to pay ( it wasn’t joint type food it was really expensive wine, meats [ we’re veggie] etc )
When we went to a restaurant my dh just immediately told her her share ( split equally by number of people ) or suggested she pay the next time. She said she wouldn’t be paying for our family dh, me and our 1year old so paid for herself in a huff.

With my parents we had to practically wrestle them to the ground to stop them paying for everything all the time. My dad used to sneak up to the till in a restaurant to pay before we realised what he was up to. He’d be paying for my MIL too.

She drove us mad ( we have a single friend who does the same though )
But then she never bought the kids a single birthday or Christmas present either so at least she was consistent

Stand you ground
Just say you’re splitting the bill.

Just go somewhere that doesn’t cost anything!

My MIL was like this. Basically , I refused to subsidise her.

If he wanted to pay, he took it out of his money, not family money. It certainly focused his attention. MIL had to be reminded from time to time that we would subsidise neither her nor SIL, but we got there.

Your H needs to tell her. I wouldn't start out with asking her to pay or saying she hasn't been paying her share, but he can certainly say that money is very tight (young child now, COL crisis, etc. - no need to even get specific about your household's circumstances) and her stays with you will be getting more spartan, with outings mostly limited to what's free. Maybe she'll start paying her way, maybe she'll even offer to treat - but if not, at least the negative impacts are reined in without any blaming or too much awkwardness or hurt.

Do you ever treat your MIL? She’ll probably be on her next week doing the reverse of this thread, “DIL and DS never pay for a meal and always expect me to pay” 😂

Gosh I nearly always pay for my adult children. Or sometimes we have split the bill. I couldn’t possibly let them pay for me all the time.
Was it the case that her husband always used to pay when out, so she has never had to pick up the tab?

At the museum, I don't understand why you didn't just pay for your own tickets? Why pay for her too? If she is of pensioner age, she might have a card to get a discount so I'd leave her to show her card and pay for herself. Or let her go in the queue first, and see who she pays for.

At the restaurant, just say we are paying separately, or go to the counter and pay your part if its too awkward at the table.

If going out, ask her is she needs a cash machine BEFORE going to buy her own ticket/lunch etc.

Next time she comes, tell her you can't afford to treat her to an outing. She'll either accept it or offer.

Gosh if I was staying with someone for the weekend I'd be taking them for lunch/ coffee etc .
I had a friend who used to visit for a few days and did exactly this same thing. After the second time I stopped inviting her.

No wonder she likes staying with you, if it's all expenses paid!

In future, no expensive outings. Go to the park and take a flask of coffee. If she complains, just say that you and OH are trying to cut back on unnecessary expenditure.

My husband and my Mum/MIL take turns paying. But my husband always pays for his adult sisters and will always treat his mother as much as possible. So depends on culture! Are you all British? My British mother always offers to pay for me and my kids but has less money so my husband treats her too.

A 1 year old doesn’t really need pay for attractions, they even like garden centres with fish tanks. We are stil going 90% free attractions with our now 5 year old! Admittedly I do plan around usually one cafe stop when the relatives come.

I would really just take pack lunches everywhere, coffee in a flask and opt for free attractions & occasionally just drop it in that we don’t have money for luxuries these days.

This is bizarre to me.

My DC are mid twenties and I always pay for all of us if we go anywhere with their DPs.

I even pay for us all to go on holidays.

You need to do free stuff and if she says anything, say you can’t afford much at the moment. Cheeky cow!

Yeah my mil does this. Always stands back to let us pay the bill. She’ll suggest going for a tea, fair enough but then she’ll order a breakfast and a cake too. We’ll maybe have a can of coke as that’s cheaper. Then she expects us to pay for something we haven’t budgeted for. She also to think our car is a free taxi available for her use anytime. I let DH pay as it’s his problem.

I had a few ‘round dodger’ pals in my teenage years too. I remember us all standing there awkwardly with empty drinks waiting as it was one girls round. Eventually one of us went for another round so she effectively had a free night out. I seethed until we got in a taxi and then said ‘x since you didn’t buy a round all night I think it’s only fair you pay for the taxi !’ She snapped ‘I was going to anyway!’ Hmm well it’s weird that you didn’t mention it and the taxi cost less than the 2 rounds she skipped.

I think you need to agree with husband to nip in bud now. Longer it goes on harder it will be. If she mentions museum say yes it was nice but not something we can do a lot as it was £x.
I’d search for places with free entry or just park and take food/drink.
If she suggests something that costs say sounds nice but will be a bit pricey so let’s not. If she hints at lunch or coffee out day oh we can eat at home.
If your costs are high with nursery I’d be very honest how much they are some older people have no idea.

In which case just go cheap. Beans on toast and the park. No meals out and don't buy her ticket for paid attractions.

Is it that she is old fashioned in that she expects your DH to pay and look after his mother? Is she widowed and her husband used to look after everything financial?

Just wondering as I can imagine some older women are like this and I know in some cultures it's definitely the norm that a grown son would cover his mother in such situations.