Boys going to the gents by themselves what age?

[Khgvnjj]

Ds is turning 7 and increasingly wants to go to the public toilets by himself. I grew up in a household of only women so no experience of this. When sis your boys start going to the gents by themselves? Did you put any caveats in place?

Depends on the place tbh.

I have a pretty level-headed, no-nonsense 8yo, and he was going in on his own from about age 5. But that was places like garden centre cafes and supermarkets, with me hovering outside.

It is not up to you to dictate safeguarding and sucking up risk to mothers re situations you are not in. It is entirely down to the parent, the child and the situation.

Parents are responsible for making safety decisions for their children. This does not include bringing them into spaces designated for use by the opposite sex after a certain age (generally somewhere bw 8 and 10 for toilets, generally under 8 for changing rooms). If you can't send them to the men's at that age because you deem it unsafe, then you need to make other arrangements/frequent other venues.

Sure but the younger they are, the greater the risk.

My personal cut off is primary school age/puberty, whichever is earlier.

Its not just height/size and the ability to defend yourself physically...it's also about having the maturity to sense when a person might pose a threat or be behaving in an odd way. So yes, a ten year old will not have the physical strength to fight off an adult...but may have the mental ability to realise that a situation could potentially be dangerous and remove themselves or call for help.

I don't think there's a one size fits all in terms of these situations...there's lots of factors to consider.

Maybe I've misread this, but do you mean to say that until your son was 7 years old he would go to the ladies' toilet with you rather than the gents with this dad? what if his dad was going to the loo anyway and you were busy? And if he was with his dad and you weren't around then did he go to the ladies on his own rather than the gents with his dad?

When DS was younger than 8 he did sometimes go into the gents with his dad but especially under about 5/6 he would often go with me even if we were both there, as the women's loos tend to be cleaner and if he were standing outside a cubicle taking turns he wouldn't then be alone next to men using a urinal - primarily to protect him but also while he was still potentially likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger or ask loud questions! As a pre-schooler he was also out in public needing a wee with just me a lot more often than with both parents there, so it wasn't unusual for us.
7-8 is the age where we stopped using the ladies rather than started using the gents, if you see what I mean.

Not always possible if there is just one men’s and 1 ladies for quite a large radius.

At the end if the day it’s a moot point as parents must and do make their own decisions. MN does not make the rules particularly where the safety of children is involved.

I used to stand outside and also had DS practice shouting and making a noise like kicking a door, because his go to fear response is to freeze. I also carry a personal alarm for emergencies, so you can give them an alarm but you need to let them practice setting it off as its very loud in an enclosed space.

If men’s toilets are so packed full of predators that it’s unsafe to let younger boys use them, why is it safe to let older boys use them? Can’t they be sexually assaulted pretty easily as well? All a sex offender would have to do would be unexpectedly shove them and grope them while they’re using the urinal.

Once children are about seven or so, it’s time for them to use the bathroom that matches their sex. Stand outside and call, “I’ll be just out here waiting!” if you want, or tell your son to always use a stall. Better yet, campaign for more family bathrooms. But girls and women are entitled to privacy, and I’m tired of how we’re always the ones who are supposed to sacrifice because people accept that they can’t do anything about predatory or violent men.

It’s even more bonkers to take a boy to the ladies if their dad is there too

The hysteria is wild

At 6 or 7 years old.

This thread is baffling. People acting like 7 year old boys are a problem in a womens toilet. I live in central London and there's all sorts of things that happen. My son was slapped in the face by a mentally unwell man when he was 5/6 years old as we got on the bus on a busy school run. Police did absolutely nothing, and no one else on the bus said a word. I will be letting my son come in with me to the ladies or finding a single/disabled toilet until he is old enough to defend himself a bit. He's 7 now, so a couple of years. Where I live it's completely normal to see boys of 7/8 in the womens toilets. I think after that he will point blank refuse to come in with me but I'll definitely be insisting he uses a cubicle.

Was he with his Mum at the time?

It’s not normal

I worry about this. My son is 6 and has SEN. But not obviously so. May have to use disabled loos as if I sent him in on his own he'd talk to everyone and probably try to run himself a bath in the sink 😅

That's the issue with mine. He is sen too, will chat to absolutely everyone and see no danger in anything. He's extremely vulnerable. I can't keep taking him in with me to the ladies (even tho I make sure no one is in there, and he stays in cubicle with me by the door). But he can't go in the mens either. Disabled toilets arent as easy to access as some people think. X

Once children are about seven or so, it’s time for them to use the bathroom that matches their sex. Stand outside and call, “I’ll be just out here waiting!” if you want, or tell your son to always use a stall

Nope. I'm happy still taking my 7 year old in with me. I'm in no rush to make him use the gents. If you don't like that, well...sucks to be you.

@LemonViewer I will be letting my son come in with me to the ladies or finding a single/disabled toilet until he is old enough to defend himself a bit. What good is that going to do? How is, say, the average 15-year-old going to “defend himself a bit” if a heavy, muscular man who’s six-foot-three wants to assault him? As I said, if men’s toilets are that dangerous, I don’t see how they’d be safe for boys of any age.

@YankSplaining Oh come on. You don't think a 15 year old might have more of a sense of danger or that a situation feels uncomfortable or threatening and the wherewithal and ability to quickly extricate themselves (or make a loud protest) from it than an 8 or 9 year old?

1. Boys aged 8 and over need to use the toilets/changing rooms for their own sex.

DS 6 is asking to use the gents. He comes in with me for now but does the process independently to practice locking/opening the door and operating the sinks/dryers.

I'm not keen on it given open urinals and the dangers some men pose to children, but I'm also aware of the need to ensure the privacy and dignity of women and girls.

I will talk to him closer to the time about keeping safe and will always wait just outside the door. I will also have him use the accessible toilet if I feel it's not a safe situation.

Not really, no. Age doesn’t determine someone’s response to danger. Brendan Fraser, the actor, was sexually assaulted as a tall, muscular celebrity - lots more power than some teenage kid - and while he did manage to remove the guy’s hand and leave the room, he didn’t make a loud protest, fight back, or tell anyone except his (now ex-) wife for around twenty years.

You’re also assuming that sexual predators are all going to allow time for a “situation” - that they’re all going to do something creepy or untoward that stops short of assault, and give a boy at least a few seconds to suspect their intentions. All that needs to happen for a teenage boy to be sexually assaulted in a bathroom is for a larger man to grab him or shove him against a wall and grope him.

Would you expect teenage girls to hone in on a sense of danger and be able to extricate themselves? Would you expect them to be able to make a loud protest?

This seems both sensible and sensitive.

Really?

So everyone with 7 or 8 year old boys should start taking them to use the accessible toilets rather than allow the horror of an 8 year old child going into the ladies with his mum?

You think it's 'sensible' for them to use accessible loos instead? Can you maybe see any problem with this approach, given the number of male children in the UK vs the number of accessible loos?

It’s about balancing of risks in all circumstances.

In my view, there is very limited actual or potential detriment or harm to women or girls (who will be using the toilet inside cubicles) if my 8 year old boy is also using a cubicle with me there to supervise vs the very great potential harm involved in sending my 8 year old boy unaccompanied into an environment where adult men will be exposing their genitals in close proximity to him.

As I’ve said elsewhere on this thread, I think the cut off should be the earlier of puberty or finishing primary school. I don’t think you can read across swimming pool rules as those are much more supervised environments than public toilets.