Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

I think in your shoes I would say with your family.

If you move back and have the baby in another country you may be stuck there forever without support.

and you can’t rely on the relationship because he doesn’t want to marry you. So that’s enough information really.

He told you he wouldn't marry you, you then decide to have a baby. So you blackmail him into marrying you or outing the deeds in the house, he said no, so you move countries to have the baby and not have him on the birth certificate. Depriving a father of a child and a child of a father. What a peach you are.

The OP should do what is in her baby's best interests, even if that is not what is in her own best interests.

For god’s sake so melodramatic! You’re clearly just trying to make the OP feel really bad. Nasty

A mother who hasn't got a pot to piss in, and a father, siblings and extended family on the other side of the world that they'll probably never get to know.

Or… they got pregnant. They decide to have a baby. He’s not willing to marry her. She is not getting support from him so she’s forced to return home. What a peach he is

I would say that he has been unwise but that OP has been manipulative. He has been honest and open about the fact that he didn't want to commit to her financially by marrying her or putting her name on the deeds of the house. They both decided to have a child in this context, except she is now trying to force his hand by blackmailing him with the baby. If the baby had been born, would people be so willing to accept that one parent can unilaterally move a child to another country and remove the other parent from the birth certificate?

Clearly you need a bigger buffer.

She's not forced to go home. She could continue living in her baby's father's house and then get a job when her maternity leave is over.

A whole heap of woman blaming going on here!

They chose to have a child together and unfortunately he has shown that he isn't as in love with her as she was hoping. Both of them may have behaved in ways that wouldn't be condoned by the Perfect People's Book of Perfect Behaviour & Getting It Right Every Time.

OP, look after yourself and your baby. Stay in your home country where you both have support. Take proper legal advice as well, and try to foster good relationships between child and dad, whatever that looks like in future. Good luck :)

This feels really unfair - he was upfront with you and you accepted his decision and forged ahead. Now you’re moving the goal post.

By all means discuss finances and ensure you have a little nest egg (I’d encourage ALL
women; even those married to this anyway) but depriving your child of their father and his father of a child because of a choice you made consciously is very unfair.

Dhed need permission from him though to move home with her child which he may not be willing to give. Genuinely, selfishly, if the relationship is done have the baby at home so your country is habitual residence. Lots of threads about people stuck in countries they don’t want to be as their ex won’t let them leave with their child.

So don’t put him on the birth certificate?

If it's a country she chose to move to and chose to get pregnant in despite already knowing that the father wasn't willing to get married, arguably she should suck it up.

It’s a nice change to see a man putting his current children first rather than getting into a new relationship and pouring all his energy & money into that relationship and any new children.

The OP has not once talked about what is in her baby's best interests.

People keep saying they ‘planned’ to have a baby together. Other than deciding to have sex and not use contraception, I can’t see that any ‘planning’ whatsoever has gone into this decision on either side - but then we don’t actually know what the conversations between the two of you were.

Nonetheless, you are probably best to stay at home and benefit from whatever support your family can give you.

This is absolutely awful in my opinion! You knew exactly what you were doing and are now taking a child away from their father to suit yourself.

You are an example of how wrong this "a child must be with its mother, a mother can do what she likes" shite narrative that exists!

I've seen this exact situation play out in real and it was horrendous! Absolutely awful!!!! 10 years later the child is going from one side of the world to the other trying to have a relationship with both parents, and is heart broken over constantly having to see one over facetime.

Stay with your parents, have your child, forget the relationship

I think it's extremely fair. Having unprotected sex leads to babies - he well knew that when he conceived the child. When you make babies, you might be asked to support them. He also knew that.

My advice to men who don't want their child taken to another country and raised without them would be don't deliberately conceive a child with a foreign national, and then proceed to make said foreign national feel emotionally, legally, and financially insecure to the point where she feels she needs to leave the country

If he has lived in the house for many years I don’t blame him for not wanting to add you to the deeds after 3yrs of contributing.

This is an awful situation OP, how could you be so selfish? You get pregnant on the basis on one agreement and as soon as there’s a little blue line you’re blackmailing your partner for his money. Disgusting behaviour. He and especially his children deserve much better than someone who will do what you have done.

Have you asked him? The way you describe this it seems he wants and has always wanted you as a live in girlfriend not a real partner who he’d want to be ok after he dies, or mum of his biological child.
if this is correct you might be better off with your family in your birth country.