Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

But it was her choice! In a situation where a couple have very mismatched opinions on the future and neither want to compromise, most normal people cut their losses and part ways. They don’t get pregnant and then use the unborn baby as a pawn to attempt to get what they want.

It was his choice too. People can change their minds or wake up and realise their mistakes. She needs support and financial security to have the best outcomes for her baby. You seem to want her punished for this? Even if it hurts the baby in the long run because relationships fail and mum is often left as the primary carer. Why is that? I and many other posters have agreed OP was wrong in the first place. Can you really not move past that?

And as far as I know it’s not the virgin birth. They both apparently want/wanted the baby. They both need to make it work. And a pregnant woman should be supported in her pregnancy no matter why she is pregnant or what wrongs she has done. HTH

I agree. I would never want to be financially dependent on a man. But I wouldn’t stay with a man who insulted me by refusing to marry in case I get my hands on his money!

And as far as I know it’s not the virgin birth….They both need to make it work

Exactly this. The only relevant information at this point.

She needs to financially support herself through the pregnancy, she’s a grown woman.

ETA - writing HTH at the end of your post is really juvenile.

I disagree on both points but thank you :). It should not be unexpected for a woman to have support during pregnancy even if she can do it all herself. Avoiding stress is good for the developing baby.

She needs to financially support herself through the pregnancy, she’s a grown woman

Yup and she can’t do that alone in the uk where she has no citizenship and no secure housing. It only works if her partner works with her. He won’t 🤷🏼‍♀️. Hence she needs to remain in the place where she can manage and not sacrifice her security and her child’s security for the sake of a man who is not committed and won’t share his finances.

She did have a job - a part time one, rather than a full time one, for some reason. She chose to give it up. She could have supported herself if she wanted to.

You don’t think a woman should support herself financially, just because she’s pregnant?!

Jesus 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

True. Not to mention even if OP had a nice job there is a risk of maternity discrimination of being ill during the pregnancy and having to leave her job early. She may not have enough maternity ist to support herself. No way should all the burden be on her.

Now to add no way to I support getting pregnant in bad circumstances but if you are pregnant baby and mothers health is so important and they are both better off with support.

I don’t think she should have to do so alone. No.

HTH

It really, doesn’t help actually but thanks!

She literally says she can’t- not sure why you think she can 🤷🏼‍♀️

I dont think the relationship is going to work, and I won’t be able to afford to live. So it will come down to being homeless or leaving the child with their father and leaving the country.

I think you feel safer and more secure with your parents and you really don’t trust the father of your unborn child . If this is the case then staying put is the right choice for you but as previously stated this will likely end the relationship. Assuming you didn’t secretly put holes in the condoms or lie about being on contraception he has equal moral responsibility in supporting his child . If you give birth abroad and don’t name him on the birth certificate I think he would struggle to legally get access. Your child needs a safe secure environment around them this doesn’t need to include the biological father .
It seems more likely it’s won’t not can’t visit which probably tells you where his priorities are

I actually agree @Tandora that if you’re an immigrant who is not fleeing danger, and you are unable to support yourself financially and provide a stable home to live in, you probably should go home. It’s just a shame she’s put this innocent child in this situation because she thought she’d be ‘the exception to the rule’ regarding her partners feelings towards commitment.

By working full time, rather than part time?! Like most people have to in order to put a roof over their head.

Say she can increase her hours (and what if she can’t? No available roles just now in her present company, maternity discrimination etc etc ) what about housing? What if she is ill during maternity leave? She said her ex is not supportive during her pregnancy - these is even more to consider than finance.

I don’t think she trapped him. He knew what he was doing by having unprotected sex.

I think it’s much more of a shame that you seek to blame a woman for the lack of commitment of a man towards the family he willingly created.

But sadly that’s the kind of society we live in.

A shame indeed.

Which is why I said if you’re unable to support yourself financially, you’re best off going home. But what a shame she thought she’d be the ‘exception to the rule’ when her partner had made his feelings clear.

Exactly this! No wonder the birth rate is so low.

Also just because she works full time doesn’t mean she can afford to house and support herself in the UK as a single mother. We don’t even know in what part of the country her partner lives or what immigration status she has !

There is literally one person to blame when a woman purposely gets pregnant with a shit man! He’s not pulled the wool over her eyes - he was honest about what he wanted from the relationship. She went ahead anyway. Where’s the accountability?!

You are right of course never mind then having to navigate child illness and days off (when baby is born) with no support system. And would she even be eligible for paid maternity leave. Hideous.