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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

557 replies

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 02:30

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

OP posts:
GaspingGekko · 28/02/2025 02:39

So you knew he didn't want to get married, decided to have a baby with him and now you're angry at him for not wanting to get married?

And you want to keep your child in a place he can't come to because he was vlear in marriage and hasn't changed his mind?

Yes, you're being unreasonable.

RawBloomers · 28/02/2025 02:41

There’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to have a baby where your support system is. But it seems like a choice to separate from your partner or at least open up that as a strong possibility. Is that what you intend when you say to choose what will be best for you?

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 02:42

Yes, but it’s not the being married that’s the issue, more the being homeless if we split.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 28/02/2025 02:56

So if you split, move home, or discuss him being willing to provide you with emergency funds in the event of a split. Do you have any income?

RawBloomers · 28/02/2025 02:58

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 02:42

Yes, but it’s not the being married that’s the issue, more the being homeless if we split.

so you’re just coming to terms with the reality of the risk you took in getting pregnant unmarried?

It does put you in a precarious position. If you’re getting cold feet about it I think that’s understandable. A huge shame you didn’t realize before you got pregnant but not much ch you can do about that now. It’s not fair on him, but the alternative isn’t fair on you. You need to be pretty sure about it though.

Thornybush · 28/02/2025 02:59

Stay where you are with your support network. You'll need it. It's your choice. He can visit if he wishes.

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 02:59

You are being very unreasonable to demand marriage, you knew his terms before you decided to have a child with him.

You sound like you are either using your unborn child to get citizenship or to control him.

If your support system is so strong they will be there IF your relationship falls apart. That IF will become a WHEN if you decide to keep him from his child.

It’s not bad to need your support system around you, can a family member come over to support you around the birth and for a bit after? That way you have extra support.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:02

Bigcat25 · 28/02/2025 02:56

So if you split, move home, or discuss him being willing to provide you with emergency funds in the event of a split. Do you have any income?

I did work, and had emergency funds but used that up staying in a hotel and then my flight home.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:04

If you are not married you have no rights at all wrt financial support or property. He could leave you at any time and there is no guarantee of any maintenance. Equally though, if he is on the birth certificate he can interfere in your life for the next 18 years and stop you from taking your child out of the country.
What I am saying is that you should think very carefully about what is best for you and your child in terms of family support, earning capacity, freedom of movement and so on.
Yes, he could make you and your child homeless if he chose.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:04

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 02:59

You are being very unreasonable to demand marriage, you knew his terms before you decided to have a child with him.

You sound like you are either using your unborn child to get citizenship or to control him.

If your support system is so strong they will be there IF your relationship falls apart. That IF will become a WHEN if you decide to keep him from his child.

It’s not bad to need your support system around you, can a family member come over to support you around the birth and for a bit after? That way you have extra support.

My issue is I won’t be able to access my support system. I can’t just get on a plane and move once the child is born in the UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:08

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:04

If you are not married you have no rights at all wrt financial support or property. He could leave you at any time and there is no guarantee of any maintenance. Equally though, if he is on the birth certificate he can interfere in your life for the next 18 years and stop you from taking your child out of the country.
What I am saying is that you should think very carefully about what is best for you and your child in terms of family support, earning capacity, freedom of movement and so on.
Yes, he could make you and your child homeless if he chose.

Yes, this is exactly the problem. I had planned to buy a flat and rent it out at some point. I just can’t trust that I will be ok.

OP posts:
beencaughttrollin · 28/02/2025 03:13

What has changed since the two of you made the decision to have a child together? It sounds as if you trusted him earlier, and now no longer do. Is this just an increasing awareness of the risks for you now that the pregnancy's happening, or did something else change your mind?

Would you honestly be willing (and comfortable) to go back to the UK, have the baby there, and continue living there IF the two of you married?

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:13

I suppose I would consider how much he parents and supports his existing children.
The fact that he has stated that he doesn't want to get married in order to protect himself financially, to me, means he doesn't want to support you or your child financially. So he has told you you are on your own. Believe him.

VisitationRights · 28/02/2025 03:20

You are under no obligation to fly back and make his life easier and yours much more miserable. Stay with family support.

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:21

beencaughttrollin · 28/02/2025 03:13

What has changed since the two of you made the decision to have a child together? It sounds as if you trusted him earlier, and now no longer do. Is this just an increasing awareness of the risks for you now that the pregnancy's happening, or did something else change your mind?

Would you honestly be willing (and comfortable) to go back to the UK, have the baby there, and continue living there IF the two of you married?

He wasn’t very supportive in my early pregnancy. It snowballed from there. I would go back once I can go back to work and support myself, assuming I would be able to walk away with enough money to set myself up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:23

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2025 03:13

I suppose I would consider how much he parents and supports his existing children.
The fact that he has stated that he doesn't want to get married in order to protect himself financially, to me, means he doesn't want to support you or your child financially. So he has told you you are on your own. Believe him.

He is great with his kids, and they are amazing children. But I feel like he is more concerned with keeping his house that having the baby and myself in his life.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/02/2025 03:24

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 02:59

You are being very unreasonable to demand marriage, you knew his terms before you decided to have a child with him.

You sound like you are either using your unborn child to get citizenship or to control him.

If your support system is so strong they will be there IF your relationship falls apart. That IF will become a WHEN if you decide to keep him from his child.

It’s not bad to need your support system around you, can a family member come over to support you around the birth and for a bit after? That way you have extra support.

This is very bad advice as he might have the ability to control her residency and prevent her from taking her child home in the event he kicks her out. Unmarried, without support or status, she is extremely vulnerable to financial and physical abuse during the pregnancy and as a new mother. She would have few rights if he kicked her out but he could make a case to prevent her from taking her child with her and returning home.

Duckswaddle · 28/02/2025 03:24

He’s just not that into you…he told you very clearly what he was about, he’s looking after himself and his current children.
You need to stay with your family so you have support.
And next time, think a bit more about who you have kids with.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 28/02/2025 03:27

@Donesomethingsilly Can you find work and lodging where you are now? Is it possible for you to set your life up there and start anew?

The way the BD is acting, I'd try to avoid him as much as possible. It means you might have to do without maintenance, but you'd have your child.

I think going back could be disastrous. jmho

Original poster
Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:29

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck I am working part time and living with my parents. I know I will be ok if I stay here.

We just had a fight about it and I feel guilty, and I need to let him know what’s going on.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2025 03:34

He's irresponsible and should have used condoms. Sounds like your relationship is already over. If you can get any maintenance at a distance that may be the best you can do now.

Daschund1 · 28/02/2025 03:51

Did you think he'd change his mind when you became pregnant? He's told you who he is, believe him. Stay where you're loved and supported.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 03:53

Summerhillsquare · 28/02/2025 03:34

He's irresponsible and should have used condoms. Sounds like your relationship is already over. If you can get any maintenance at a distance that may be the best you can do now.

If she deliberately keeps his child from him then asking for maintenance is wrong in my view.

FreeWave · 28/02/2025 03:54

Since he doesn't want to get married, why would you take the risk of having a child for him?

Avoidingsleep · 28/02/2025 03:55

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:04

My issue is I won’t be able to access my support system. I can’t just get on a plane and move once the child is born in the UK.

Show quote history

Then you need to do what is right for you. Just be aware that you are unlikely to see the Dad. You said yourself he won’t/ can’t visit due to his other children.