Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

This. Poor kid.

You only had the price of a hotel for one night and a flight, when you left. Why should you get half of what's his (and his 2 kids)?

Sounds like your grotesque blackmail plan hasn't worked out. What a shame.

OP, as a single mum myself with the father in another country (albeit he was the one who left), prioritise your support network and legal rights.

The father has his other children to look after and wasn't supportive so far so you'll be very alone here when the baby arrives and he could stop you leaving with your baby.

It's a difficult situation but he can't guarantee you the support you'll need physically and financially.

My baby has a very stable support network with my parents and is a very happy child.

Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons. Ignore the people finger waggling because you didn't get married first (as if this guarantees anything, given the rates of divorce...)

I don’t think anyone was saying it’s selfish of her to stay with her support system. I think a few people were saying it was selfish of her to get pregnant in the hopes that a baby would force her partner into marriage and giving her half of his house.

in her own words she took a risk. It backfired and now there is a child who will grow up without its father.

I personally would also not give half of my house to anyone because it will be inheritance for my children. I can’t blame her partner for refusing to hand over half of something that allows him to house his children now and may well represent the majority of his financial contribution towards his adult children. By getting married he’d also risk disinheriting his children or even losing their current home so I can see why he didn’t want to do that either.

Yes OP should stay where she is and bring up her child alone but it was a silly thing to do without her own financial stability and now everyone will pay for it.

At the moment OP you need to look after you. Being with your family and support network seems to be more than you had with your partner. Your partner wasn’t keen to entertain marriage for a 2nd time…fine his choice, but it leaves you in an extremely vulnerable position if you return to him, he kicks you out etc etc, it’s all been written upthread. If it were me I’d definitely stay when you currently are, have the baby as you have family and support. I do wonder how committed to you & this new child, yr partner genuinely is. Good luck.

Good. You don't want to birth your child in a country in which you have (potentially) no support and then maybe get stuck there if the relationship ends.

But to be fair baby will probably grow up much more happily with a strong support network for mum and I’m sure you can work out a way for dad to be involved somehow

No. He told her he didn’t want to marry. They both chose to get pregnant and then she announces marry me or put me on the deeds of the house. He said no and I don’t blame him. All this poor you - she has used her pregnancy to try to get what she wants and it’s backfired.
I agree, she needs financial security but you do not use a baby to achieve this.

Just to put a different perspective on this.

Say he did what you asked and put your name on the house. You then split up. You are now entitled to half the house. So it has to be sold and split between you. He now has 3 kids to house and may not be able to afford a house big enough with half the proceeds of the current one.
So can you see how it isn't as simple as he gives you half ? He has 2 other kids to consider.
It sounds like you were not in a high paying job and had limited funds to bring to the relationship. You planned a baby but you didn't plan finances. So did you talk about maternity leave? How it would be paid? If you would continue to pay bills? Going back to work? Who would fund childcare? Would your finances be joint or separate? So many questions unanswered. You've done the right thing by staying with support network

Ive just read yr last post. I truly think you have made the wisest decision.

It might be worth a more detailed discussion or at least writing down your reasons why in an email so you can give more detail:

• lack of security
• inability to support yourself
• fear of being stuck here with a baby, with no way of supporting yourself and no family to support

I would also get advice from immigration lawyer about where you stand with taking your child back to visit and then being able to return home. It would be best if your child can have some sort of relationship with its father's family.

The OP can apply for child maintenance in the country that she is living in, and the UK courts will enforce any order she gets if there is a REMO agreement.

He chose to have a baby too. The OP has been unwise but it was his choice too. You don't have a baby with someone you don't want to commit to.

I actually think you are being smart, given the situation.
A very tough decision. But ultimately, if you stay in Uk and relationship goes south, you won’t be permitted to move abroad with your child, without fathers agreement.

(Well you might be, but it would be a long process and you would likely need to evidence that the father is not involved in the child’s life)

So you blackmailed him?! How much were you earning/contributing to the house? You can't just demand half because you're carrying his child!

What on earth possessed you to TTC in these circumstances? It's so unfair on your child.

I believe that you should never deliberately have a child with someone from another country unless you are willing to stay in that country until your child is grown.

If you stay where you are, you will not only be depriving your child of any kind of meaningful relationship with their father and siblings, but they will probably never be able to prove their British citizenship either. You can have a father retrospectively added onto a British birth certificate but I have no idea how you'd go about doing that when the baby is born abroad.

There's really no good solution here.

THEY got pregnant. She didn’t do it alone. He is choosing to only look after (financially) his first two children who can be protected in his will. There would be no risk of them being disinherited. As for her getting half the house if they divorced she has been paying towards it and it would be to look after THEIR child who he is seemingly shrugging off deciding that the first two is all he’s willing to financially provide for. Honestly don’t know why he is some sort of poor innocent victim in this. They got pregnant. He isn’t willing to look after her or their child yet she’s the twat here. Doesn’t make sense to me

How does she apply for maintenance in the country she is living in if she can't prove that he is the child's father?

All of which you knew before you decided to get pregnant.

Fix it by allowing you to blackmail and control him? No. That isn’t fixing it. Your behaviour here is appalling.

Well it’s all a bit too late now and your gamble didn’t pay off so I agree you are doing the most sensible thing. Much better than putting yourself at risk of living with a boyfriend, being stuck with limited job opportunities and contributing to a household you can’t invest in.

So you were daft but not as daft as all the women who don’t at least try and plan some security when they get with a man who has done it all before.

Well probably a stable life with a mother and extended family who love it. No need for the drama.

No-one is an exception with someone like him.
Sorry, OP but if you've ever been on this site, you cannot help but notice it is populated by threads from women in the exact same position. Promise made, promises broken, again and again. Women keep believing the,m then herexwexare, anoth post telling us that they've been shat upon from a great height.
You took a gamble with an obvious prevaricator and sadly, you have lost.
Do what's best for your baby now!

They decided to get pregnant