Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

I’m not asking for maintenance, but he does have the ability to fix this. He just won’t.

I can see why you want to be with your parents/ in your own country but that decision means deliberately keeping the child away from him father and not letting the child have their father in their life. Morally I think it’s wrong, you chose to have the child together. Also, you have to live with any hurt and anger your child feels later in life about not knowing their father.

He doesn’t see this kid in the same way he sees the others. Give birth where you have family and friends to support you. This guy is an arse.

YANBU. You must do what’s best for you and your child. That means having as much support around you as possible.

It may be helpful to seek immigration advice about your child’s rights to nationality and immigration status. There may be pros and cons. I have no idea. But it’s possible, if your child is born in the country you’re in now (and depending on whether the father’s name is on the birth certificate), your child may have no/few rights to live in the UK, even if you do. On the other hand, if the father is on the birth certificate, he may have rights to a say over where the child can travel or live. Certainly don’t assume you could pick and choose where you live. You may have to make that decision before you give birth.

So you’ve trapped him into marrying you basically.

you decide to get pregnant will him making it very clear that marriage is not an option and you then blackmail him into marrying you by saying he doesn’t get to be in the child’s life if he doesn’t?

Because I thought I was the acception rather than the rule.

Marrying a blackmailer doesn't seem sensible for him

I think she’s well aware of that hence why she wants to give birth in her own country. Once the child’s born she can’t then choose to move there. But that decision might be what’s best for her but is it best for the child, actively depriving them of a father.

The baby was wanted. But yes essentially I have blackmailed him (also said put me on the title of house if he doesn’t want to get married)

What makes you think you should be entitled to 50% of his house? Are you paying him 50% of the equity currently in it and are you going to start paying 50% of the mortgage?

I could bring the child, but I think I would have to put the father on the birth certificate.

And this is where I’m stuck. I am denying the child a father, but I would most likely be denying the child a mother as I dont think the relationship is going to work, and I won’t be able to afford to live. So it will come down to being homeless or leaving the child with their father and leaving the country.

So my brain feels like it’s going to explode with thoughts.

I was paying towards the house and bills when I lived there.

Stay with parents and concentrate on your baby

he probably won’t marry you but will support his child.

good luck

Well he won’t be on the birth certificate if child’s born away from him. I don’t think it’s fair to expect support for a baby that has been taken away from him. He might still choose to support but you should plan on the basis of getting nothing.

It appears they both decided she get pregnant: he chose to conceive a child. He, also, should’ve been aware of the risks of conceiving a child with someone whose family was abroad, and to whom he was unwilling to make any legal or financial commitment. It sounds like a child was conceived without these things being properly considered, discussed or agreed.

Not the greatest start to be born with parents on either side of the world. But worse things have happened and not damaging or insurmountable if finances allow. A friend of mine has a son who lives with his mother in another continent and has probably spent more quality time with him than some fathers who’ve always lived with their kids. But he has no other children.

If you don't think the relationship is going to work, why are you so desperate to marry him?

@SouthLondonMum22 I don’t want to walk away with nothing if we split. I won’t be able to afford to rent a bed sit.

@EdithBond It can be done, he ca FaceTime the baby and possibly visit occasionally. I will take the child to visit him every few years.

If your relationship isn’t committed and you can’t afford to support yourself here then I think you are doing the right thing despite the grief you are getting here.

Your partner is choosing to protect himself financially by not marrying you but you can protect your parental responsibility for your unborn child (and therefore your freedom of movement once child is born) by not naming him on the birth certificate if baby is born in the uk. If you chose to have the baby in the uk and you put him on the birth certificate, he might never give you permission to go home. He doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate to be required to pay maintenance.

What you will need to do if you wish to stay in your home country is get some immigration/legal advice relating to both countries about yours and baby’s citizenship and where you and child can legally reside in all eventualities.

So you want to marry him just so you can divorce him and get some of his money?

Yeah, no wonder he doesn't want to marry you.

Having a baby with him was a bad idea.

How long have you been together? Was the baby planned by both of you? When you say you took a risk to get pregnant, did he know about this or did he think you were on contraception?

We were together three years. The baby was planned by both of us.

Then I think you need to protect your own interests in the way he is protecting his.

Stay where you are.

Is this a genuine post?

You’ve been with your partner for 3 years, ask him to marry you, he says no so you blackmailed him into having a baby?

When blackmailing him into this child, you demand to be put on his house to own 50%?

This is the worst scenario to bring a child into. How selfish.