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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

557 replies

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 02:30

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

OP posts:
Sunglow1921 · 28/02/2025 07:05

It depends what you want in the future. Are you planning to stay in your country or return to the UK (with or without the baby)? It seems your relationship with this man has broken down if you ended up in a hotel and leaving the country. Are you prepared to spend the next 18 years parenting with him? Does he even want to be involved or will he just add to the burden as you won’t be able to make some decisions about your child without his input and may end up in court.

Think about all these things and then decide where to give birth. Your child will not have British citizenship if you give birth abroad, so that could be a good or a bad thing depending on how you see the future.

Porcuporpoise · 28/02/2025 07:07

Oh don't be so ridiculous @SometimesCalmPerson Of course she can expect to receive financial security from the man who has decided to have a child with her. Rather than berating the OP you might want to ask what he was thinking?

Newtt · 28/02/2025 07:07

Donesomethingsilly · 28/02/2025 03:29

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck I am working part time and living with my parents. I know I will be ok if I stay here.

We just had a fight about it and I feel guilty, and I need to let him know what’s going on.

You and your child are the priority.

It is now irrelevant how this situation arose and any rights and wrongs.

The most secure place - and hence best place in my view - for you and your baby to be is with your support network.

Stay with your family. New babies are hard work and put a strain on the best relationship, so if there is strain there already…

Once baby is settled, maybe at school you will not want to move them, so could be ‘stuck’ here if you come back and the relationship does end.

Stay with family who will support and love you!!!!!

CowTown · 28/02/2025 07:07

You say you spent your savings on a hotel. Was this in the UK? Did you temporarily move out before going home?

What is your visa situation? Is it tied to employment? I’m assuming you left your UK job, as you previously said that you’ve been working PT back home—you seem to have been gone for some time. You may not have an option to return, if your visa is tied to a job and you’ve resigned. If you have to apply for a new visa, the minimum income threshold will be higher, as you now have a dependent.

2boyzNosleep · 28/02/2025 07:09

Frenchbluesea · 28/02/2025 06:20

THEY got pregnant. She didn’t do it alone. He is choosing to only look after (financially) his first two children who can be protected in his will. There would be no risk of them being disinherited. As for her getting half the house if they divorced she has been paying towards it and it would be to look after THEIR child who he is seemingly shrugging off deciding that the first two is all he’s willing to financially provide for. Honestly don’t know why he is some sort of poor innocent victim in this. They got pregnant. He isn’t willing to look after her or their child yet she’s the twat here. Doesn’t make sense to me

Show quote history

They are both wrong.

It seems he was honest the whole time about not wanting to get married for financial reasons. If he has already been divorced that would've been a financial hit already. He already has 2 children to support.

OP wants to get married. Pretended to accept partners choice, until she got pregnant then said marriage or 50% house.

Whaleandsnail6 · 28/02/2025 07:09

The man is an idiot for planning a baby in this situation but I am sure he would not have planned a baby had he known op's plan was to move to her home country when pregnant and pretty much cut him out of his baby's life.

His choice now is either marry a woman he has made it clear he does not want to, or not be a part of his childs day to day life. He cannot move or frequently visit due to having children in this country.

I feel for him and I feel for baby who is now being denied the chance to have their dad involved in their life (bar the odd visit and facetime)

Never2many · 28/02/2025 07:10

So you tricked him into having a baby then.

He was up front about not wanting to get married. You decided together that you would have a baby, he went ahead believing that you were in a relationship, and then as soon as you got pregnant you left him and skipped the country to be sure that he couldn’t have a relationship with said baby.

The only person in the wrong here is you. And meanwhile he, and his kids and the baby are the victims. You certainly aren’t.

I would presume that if you live in a country that is within The Hague convention he could take legal action to force you to bring the baby back to the UK once it’s born. I hope so anyway.

I certainly don’t think you should be entitled to support from him. And before people say he chose to have a baby, yes, he did. On the basis that he thought they were a family, while meanwhile the OP was clearly just using him to get pregnant.

CowTown · 28/02/2025 07:10

Sunglow1921 · 28/02/2025 07:05

It depends what you want in the future. Are you planning to stay in your country or return to the UK (with or without the baby)? It seems your relationship with this man has broken down if you ended up in a hotel and leaving the country. Are you prepared to spend the next 18 years parenting with him? Does he even want to be involved or will he just add to the burden as you won’t be able to make some decisions about your child without his input and may end up in court.

Think about all these things and then decide where to give birth. Your child will not have British citizenship if you give birth abroad, so that could be a good or a bad thing depending on how you see the future.

Children of British citizens born abroad are entitled to British citizenship (assuming the father is a citizen).

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/02/2025 07:10

Porcuporpoise · 28/02/2025 07:07

Oh don't be so ridiculous @SometimesCalmPerson Of course she can expect to receive financial security from the man who has decided to have a child with her. Rather than berating the OP you might want to ask what he was thinking?

How exactly do you see this working?

A foreign court making an order that a random man in the UK that she has decided to name as her child's father actually is the child's father and needs to pay maintenance, and a UK court enforcing that order when there's no proof that he is actually the child's father?

Springadorable · 28/02/2025 07:10

I can see why he didn't want to risk marrying you. There's some real gold digger vibes coming through here.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/02/2025 07:12

CowTown · 28/02/2025 07:10

Children of British citizens born abroad are entitled to British citizenship (assuming the father is a citizen).

Show quote history

The difficulty will be proving it.

CocoPlum · 28/02/2025 07:13

This is probably the right decision for you OP but I don't think anyone has behaved well here.

I'm a bit confused though, you talk about how you wanted to buy a flat and rent it out for income, what were you going to buy it with? You only worked part time and wiped out your savings with a flight so you can't have had that much.

SometimesCalmPerson · 28/02/2025 07:14

Porcuporpoise · 28/02/2025 07:07

Oh don't be so ridiculous @SometimesCalmPerson Of course she can expect to receive financial security from the man who has decided to have a child with her. Rather than berating the OP you might want to ask what he was thinking?

No, she should be able to expect financial support for her child and herself while the child is still a baby, but having a child doesn’t entitle anyone to financial security for life, especially at the expense of someone’s children.

RIPVPROG · 28/02/2025 07:15

What do you mean by things got rocky OP? What happened for you to suddenly leave?
Was it just the marriage situation or was there something else going on?

GoldMoon · 28/02/2025 07:15

I would stay with your family , and let them be your support system .
To be honest he sounds flaky , and whilst he wants to be around for his kids by this other women , which of course is good .

It sounds like you having his child , came with restrictions, not wanting marraige , protecting his other children etc , he seems more invested in his previous life , rather than making a new one with you.

HundredPercentUnsure · 28/02/2025 07:16

NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting · 28/02/2025 04:44

Is this a genuine post?

You’ve been with your partner for 3 years, ask him to marry you, he says no so you blackmailed him into having a baby?

When blackmailing him into this child, you demand to be put on his house to own 50%?

This is the worst scenario to bring a child into. How selfish.

I agree. She is irresponsible. The MN assumption is the man is in the wrong and LTB, but it doesn't sound to me that is warranted here.

I feel sorry for him and the baby.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2025 07:19

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/02/2025 04:02

So you’ve trapped him into marrying you basically.

you decide to get pregnant will him making it very clear that marriage is not an option and you then blackmail him into marrying you by saying he doesn’t get to be in the child’s life if he doesn’t?

Show quote history

Absolute rubbish.

Men cannot be trapped into marriage. They are responsible for their own actions. They know sex risks pregnancy. He chose to have sex with someone from another country.

He is in this position because of his own choices.

Emerald95 · 28/02/2025 07:19

I dont understand the hate you're getting, OP. If youre child is born in the UK there is very little chance a court will allow them to move back to your home country with you.
Your choice is stay in the UK for the next 18+ years (With or without being in a relationship with baby's dad) .
Set up home in your own country now, where you have a support system.
You have to do what is right for you and baby which for now sounds like staying with your family.

Frenchbluesea · 28/02/2025 07:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Am I not allowed to comment? Or I’m commenting too much for your liking? I disagree with you so I must be quiet? I’m not the only poster defending her. And I’m fighting against all the blame always being laid at women’s feet. I’m arguing against posters who say she got pregnant as though it was an immaculate conception. They decided to have a baby. He’s not stepping up. He is choosing this. I cannot understand how nasty some posters are being to her. Yes she’s been foolish but what about his short comings? And for the record I’m not in and never have been in a similar position to the OP. And I also won’t be told to not comment by posters like you

jeaux90 · 28/02/2025 07:23

Stay with family. You have made some silly decisions which are irrelevant now. Going back to him sounds like an unreasonable risk.

ModernLife1sRubbish · 28/02/2025 07:23

You sound very manipulative. I can see why he did not want to get married.

Coldfingery · 28/02/2025 07:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SalfordQuays · 28/02/2025 07:24

I think you should stay where you are OP. You’ve got support there. Back in the UK you’ve got no job, no home, and in all probability no boyfriend, because the relationship clearly wasn’t strong enough for a long term commitment. It would be madness to put yourself in such a lonely and vulnerable position.

MellowCritic · 28/02/2025 07:24

GaspingGekko · 28/02/2025 02:39

So you knew he didn't want to get married, decided to have a baby with him and now you're angry at him for not wanting to get married?

And you want to keep your child in a place he can't come to because he was vlear in marriage and hasn't changed his mind?

Yes, you're being unreasonable.

Where in the post did op now say she has an issue with not getting married? She said the relationship was great but now it's rocky. Please read posts and understand what someone is saying before you come on here with pointless negative comments.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2025 07:25

Yanbu. Look after yourself and your baby by staying where you are.

Tbh it doesn't really sound like you have another option.