Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

There’s a big difference between that and expecting to own half the house. He paid the deposit on the house and the mortgage for probably many years.
I feel sorry for him.

I'd stay where you are if you have good support there. The problem with bi-cultural relationships is that if the marriage breaks up, you are stuck in a place you have no support network and can't go home. If you don't see the relationship working out you're better off getting out now. I have seen it further down the track when a wife is in her husband's county with three young kids, they split, and that's it, she's there for good and the primary carer. No grandparents to help out, no way of returning home (and of course the ex gets a new partner as he's only a part time dad so there's that to deal with, too.)

That’s not accurate though. She says they both planned for the baby (unwise but it’s done now) but the blackmail seems to come into it at the point that he has continued to refuse to marry her so she has said she will take the child and live in her home country. She has every right to do this just as he has every right to say no to marriage.

The most important thing to children is stability.

If neither of you can commit fully to being a fully functioning family unit, it's better to raise a child with stable family support avaliable.

If he's unwilling to wholeheartedly commit to family life with OP and already has split commitments with his existing family, then the odds of him being a fully involved father in the event of a relationship breakdown are not favourable. If he's not prepared to risk his assets by marriage, then he should not have conceived a child which is the ultimate ongoing commitment that can not be undone.

The situation is messy and careful consideration of the parents' responsibilities (and rights) and how the child will be permenantly affected by them needs to be weighed up.

If he was married to OP, he'd automatically have the right (and ongoing responsibilities) to be registered on a British birth certificate. As an unmarried father, he needs to be present to be registered on the birth certificate in the UK.

Give birth in your home country - you don't need to make any big decisions now or in the first year of the child's life, except the one that will give you the most options to defer the decision making.

The decision to have the baby and nurse the baby close to your support network in your home country is the wisest one, since the baby's father has not given you any security that he will provide and continue to provide you with support should things break down in the relationship. You in particular need the security of marriage given that you are not a national of the father's country - the way you went about trying to get married was not the best but your intentions were correct. He has refused you that security so you now need to do what is best for you.

What is best for you (and the baby) is to have the baby in your home country and ensure it is a resident of that country so that you are not "stuck" and vulnerable to abuse and poverty in the father's country. If the father had truly wanted to ensure the mother of his child stayed in his country to have the baby, he should have provided you with the security to make the decision to stay less risky for you. He has not, so you need to think logically rather than emotionally now. You are making the right choice.

If things improve later down the line, there will always be the possibility to return to the UK but that's a decision you can defer for now.

'I did work, and had emergency funds but used that up staying in a hotel and then my flight home.'

So you gave up your job when pregnant which means you won't get maternity pay? Why do that? How are you going to live?

Because the financial impact of splitting with the child's father if she stays in the UK having given birth to the child in the UK (and no longer being able to go home to her support network) far outweighs the loss of maternity pay.

For example - she will be stuck in a country where her earning potential may be limited more than in her home country. She will not have an emotional or childcare support network so childcare costs will be higher. She won't be able to afford to rent sufficient housing so I assume she is on minimum wage. She may not be entitled to benefits, depending on how long she's been here and where her home country is.

There won’t always be the possibility of moving to the uk. Unless you are a British citizen which it sounds like the op isn’t you can’t just choose to move to the uk, you need a visa and they are not easy to get.

I am struggling to see how things have changed so drastically in half a year since you decided to get pregnant that the relationship has totally broken down and you can no longer support yourself on your own, but honestly you should prioritise your own stability and stay in your home country with the baby. As you rightly say if you come back you won't be able to move away again without his consent and could be making yourself destitute. Congratulations on your baby - what a mess of a decision though.

Children aren't pay per view.

That's true, it might be very difficult to move back to the UK. But it will be almost impossible to move back home with her child if she stays and the father establishes parental responsibility.

It depends which country the OP (and later baby) are in. The UK has some child maintenance enforcement arrangements with certain countries.

That is true, but she needs to fully understand the situation before deciding and which way she decides is likely to be permanent

Indeed. If the father steps up and does his share, the OP and baby could later move to the UK.

Most likely outcome is he does bugger all and is shit, in which case they can stay where they are and the OP can have family support to raise the child.

Many men start showing their true colours when their partner is pregnant/after the birth, OP, so it's not surprising that the 'honeymoon' period is over and you're seeing a different personality.

OP, you're being sensible to think about what your life and your child's life will be like if you stay in this country with limited resources, as opposed to being with family and having their help and support. You have the option to leave the UK now, but that option might not be open to you once the baby arrives or will at least be much more expensive in terms of court applications etc. if he decides to contest it.

It sounds like the relationship is pretty much over so you need to plan on being a single parent, whichever country you are in.

I don’t know what country they are in but as they aren’t married it’s very unlikely she can put him in the birth certificate without him being there or going somewhere to register as being the father/accept the responsibility.
You can’t just tell a child maintenance service that someone is the father and they just accept it and take the money.

I am struggling to see how things have changed so drastically in half a year since you decided to get pregnant that the relationship has totally broken down

Abusive behaviour often starts during pregnancy.

Read her posts. They planned the baby. She wanted to get married but he didn’t because he wanted to protect his money. It now seems as though the relationship will end. If she stays in the UK she will be financially fucked. As he knew she would be without spousal support

Nor are they a bargaining chip to get what you want.

You are getting some ridiculous replies here. You must stay where you are as the support you and your child will get is more than you’ll get in the UK. It isn’t selfish to do this- it’s necessary. It is the only option you’ve been given by your partner. And you aren’t in the wrong for wanting to get married. It’s understandable and sensible to want legal and financial protection when having a child. And just as he has the choice not to marry you so he can keep all his money for himself you also have a choice about your life. It sounds as though you know you have a miserable future in the UK. Congratulations on your baby and enjoy raising him/ her with your family and support network

This. He was honest and you still chose to get pregnant and are now playing games. Why would he want to marry or be with somebody who does that?

Well, he doesn't have to marry, be with them or provide for them, but then the OP is hardly going to return to the UK and live on the streets, is she? She's pregnant and having a baby, she needs stability and support.

No, you are not being unreasonable. I would expect this to end your relationship though. I would want to give birth in your home country. If the relationship does fail you could end up stuck in the UK with no money and no support, unable to leave with your child.

Do what is best for you. If you are without a support system with a newborn, or actually, a child of any age, it won't be great for your child. He's made his choice already and it isn't you or your child.

And as the PP has said, if you have the baby in the UK, you won't be allowed to leave to go home with the baby. You'll be stuck there, probably forever, regardless of what happens with your (ex) partner.

I sent a text saying I’m not coming back. He can come and visit if he wants to, but I can’t come back.

He does not want to get married, it sounds as if you were not independently financially secure during this relationship, and you got pregnant knowing all this. Even if he agrees to marry you now the relationship is likely to fail. I would stay where you are and build a life with a supportive family around you. If it true what you have said that you could not afford a bedsit if you return then really you have no other option.