Please read the full context before judging me... Our family dog is going to be put to sleep later today, and I feel really conflicted about going. She has been ill for several weeks now and there have been lots of goodbyes where I've not known if I will see her again. I've taken so many videos and photos thinking this is the last time I will see her, only for her to temporarily bounce back or the vet to give us good news. She is our family dog (we got her when I was a teenager), and my parents and siblings will be in the room with her to say goodbye, so she won't be alone. She is also already sedated and on a lot of medication.
Ever since we got her as a puppy I have dreaded her having to get put to sleep as the idea of being in the room when she passes away freaks me out a lot, especially knowing we are making the decision to end her life (and her suffering). I know I'm being immature and that death is a part of life, but part of me just wants to stay home when they go to the vet so that my last memory is of her at home. She is already at the vets and has been there overnight, I didn't get to properly say goodbye to her as she was only meant to be going in for a blood test but they kept her in. I'm not sure if in time I'll come to regret it or feel guilty about it, though.