To not be in the room when my dog is put to sleep?

[angelllll]

Please read the full context before judging me... Our family dog is going to be put to sleep later today, and I feel really conflicted about going. She has been ill for several weeks now and there have been lots of goodbyes where I've not known if I will see her again. I've taken so many videos and photos thinking this is the last time I will see her, only for her to temporarily bounce back or the vet to give us good news. She is our family dog (we got her when I was a teenager), and my parents and siblings will be in the room with her to say goodbye, so she won't be alone. She is also already sedated and on a lot of medication.

Ever since we got her as a puppy I have dreaded her having to get put to sleep as the idea of being in the room when she passes away freaks me out a lot, especially knowing we are making the decision to end her life (and her suffering). I know I'm being immature and that death is a part of life, but part of me just wants to stay home when they go to the vet so that my last memory is of her at home. She is already at the vets and has been there overnight, I didn't get to properly say goodbye to her as she was only meant to be going in for a blood test but they kept her in. I'm not sure if in time I'll come to regret it or feel guilty about it, though.

Regardless of other loved ones being with your dog, you will regret if you don't go,it's very quick, please be there, she's given her whole life to you, show her some love in the last beats of her life

@HornyHornersPinger I’ve called out a few others too, but there are so many, I don’t have time for all of them. I’m wondering why you think the dog doesn’t feel loved by the other family members? What has led you to think that OP is the essential family member, who has to force herself to be present even though she can’t face it? How many loved ones need to cram into a room for it to be OK?

My kids loved our dog. I am very very glad they didn't stay - they didn't need their last memory to be the dog struggling to breathe.

And at the end our dog was really not aware of what was going on around him. I don't know if he'd have known whether I was in the room or not, and it sounds like the OP's dog is the same. She isn't with him 24/7 anyway and there's no reason he would be distressed at her no being there when he's already heavily sedated. If there was no one there there's a chance he would notice (and I wouldn't risk that) although I can believe vets who say dogs often aren't looking for their owners.

Honestly, if you're going to get upset I think it's better not to be there providing the dog has a calm loving family member with them.
I once transported an injured dog and their owner to the vet and the owners hysterical wailing was distressing for everyone, especially the poor dog. If you can stay calm, tell them how much you love them and give them an ear rub then once they're gone let all your grief out if you need to, then it would be okay. One or two people with them are enough I think.

To recap for people who can't be arsed read the OP properly.
The dog will not be alone or with strangers - other family member who spend more time with the dog will be there

I've done both. When we've had family pets put to sleep that I'd grown up with, I never went to the appointments. Initially because I was too young, and then I'd moved out and moved away. The dogs were with my parents and knew how loved they were.

On the other side, I had to have my own pet put to sleep a few years back and although it was absolutely horrendous, I knew in my heart that I had to be there for her as she wouldn't have had anyone with her otherwise. It was absolutely heartbreaking and even typing this is making me cry, 5 years on. I know it was the right decision for me though.

You have to think to yourself, if you can picture yourself in 6months time, what do you think you'd regret more? Being there in the moment, or not?

Only you can make that decision and you know your DDog is not going to be alone whichever you choose.

Sorry you're going through this - owning a pet is an absolute privilege, but absolutely heartbreaking at the end. It's a wonder we keep doing it to ourselves!

I assumed it because I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind and that actually understands dogs would take issue with the idea of a secondary/tertiary member of a dog’s ‘family’ not being present when said dog is being PTS, when the primary carers plus extras are all there. But perhaps I am giving you guys too much credit for common sense.

Another vet here, to add to the chorus of vet voices saying you do not have to be there. I would never expect someone to stay if they are not comfortable with it. I have never seen a pet looking round for it's owner. The vet and the nurse will provide comfort and cuddles. In my experience, it is often less distressing for the pet if an understandably emotional owner is not in the room communicating their upset.

Thanks for this.

I was not there when my family dog (who had been in my life since I was 2) was PTS. It was urgent, and I was 2 hours away. He was not looking around for me. Dogs don't do a head count of their family when they are poorly.

As a teen, I did work experience in a vets and saw a few pets come in for their final appointment. One lady dropped her dog off and left. She was in bits, and her being there would have distressed her dog even more. He passed having cuddles from the staff. He was not looking for her at all, and he was not sedated either.

I hate this whole guilt trip thing about being there or not. Some people are not able to be there at all for various reasons.

A rare voice of reason on a very over-emotive thread.

No animals but humans are aware that they are mortal. A pet will have no idea what's happening; only distress if they are sick and suffering, or if their owner is distressed.

Honestly, when my dcat was put to sleep with me cuddling her it was the most peaceful thing.

N/a

This is a good point
Ddog is very very empathetic, he knows if I am upset even if I am not really showing it. If something is going on he comes and puts his head on my knee and looks at me .
I WILL be there with him at the end but I will have to really try not to send him the wrong "vibes"

Oh, look at you, Cesar Millan of Mumsnet.
So much common sense but haven't sussed out any kind of bond between the OP and the dog despite the OP stating that she's aware that she's being immature and avoidant, and haven't worked out the fact that many "family" dogs bond particularly to kids that they have grown up with, despite the adults being the primary sources of food and funding.

Well I’m not Cesar Millan, thankfully, as he is full of shit. But I am a vet. Aware this doesn’t make me an expert on dog behaviour, but I have put to sleep a lot of animals in my 20 years of practice. One or two close humans is far preferable to a hoard of people imo, if we are considering the welfare of the dog. Especially if any additional people are liable to become very upset.

It’s pretty rare that the teenagers of the house are the primary carers above adults. Nothing in the OP suggests to me that this isn’t the case here. Obviously dogs can and will form close bonds to said teenagers, but it’s the primary carers that are required.

I think its ideal when they are able to be stroked 'to sleep' by a person they love and trust, quietly and calmly. If there was no one to do that then I'd say you should go. In the circumstances there will be a lot of your dogs loved ones there, so no need for you to. In fact it's probably better to not go if you'd really struggle. Dogs see our fear and sadness and it's best for them if they don't have to feel that rush of anxiety at seeing their humans distressed.

Yes they do. I wanted to be there.

I didn’t want it to be happening, but it was, and so I wanted to be there.

Silly thing to say. 🙄

I had read through your comments this morning and decided to go. Thank you for convincing me to do that. Unfortunately, we got a call from the vet earlier this afternoon. She passed away before we could get to her.

oh I'm so sorry. She's at peace now, but its so hard for you all.

Oh OP I'm so sorry 😔 I've seen your update. Thinking of you, what a sad time ❤️

Im ruly sorry. Im sure she had happy memories of her family and good life as she crossed over. Well done for being a good human being and giving her a good life.

I'm sorry, OP. I know how much this hurts.

You've been spared that particular heartache because, sometimes, the universe conspires to take these decisions out of our hands.

You have nothing to reproach yourself with at all. Be kind to yourself, as far too many posters on this thread have not.

It's them, not you.

Oh, that is sad.
Be assured that she would have been comforted by the staff with her.

Many condolences on the loss of your sweet one. She was with people who would have known how to care for her and make her feel safe and comfortable and you have nothing to reproach yourself for. You will have happy memories of her; cherish them.

Many condolences op. Remember all your sweet good memories of her.