to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

@GRex yes absolutely I certainly wouldn't be getting cross if a friend didn't come to something or wasn't about to meet up, that's what I'm trying to say by friendships take a bit of work, a bit of give and take and grace like you say but we're talking about extremes here. The OP doesn't even feel she has the time to meet one close friend regularly. That to me is sad and is indicative of a bigger problem whether that be not seeing in any value in pursuing relationships outside of the family, not having the confidence to build friendships or other issues

Totally this.

Certainly some people have the gift of friendship and others, like me, have to work harder at it. What helps is to try not to take it personally if people do ghost/reject you and just keep trying with other people. I also used to make the mistake of thinking that people who were friendly were my friends. Now I realise that it takes more than that: like they're supportive and offer practical help when needed etc. But even acquaintances can enhance your life as long as you don't expect anything from them.

I have a very small not particularly close family. Friends mean a lot to me and I’ve got to know local people so it’s easy to meet.
I’d never want to rely on a partner, what happens if you split up or they die?
I recently met someone who told me she only really socialises with her family, but her adult DC are now leaving home.

I don't have any close friends. I have a few (what I saw described on another thread as) circumstantial friends but none I'd be able to call on in an emergency.

Some of it is me. I know that. Some of it is circumstance/opportunity. Some of it is luck in meeting people you like who also like you.

I suppose I don't feel the need for a lot of friends. I don't have a lot of free time or the headspace for socialising so I feel I don't have the time to invest in friendships enough to make them work or build them in the first place so I don't prioritise it as much as I perhaps should.

I have a lot going on and not all of it is good so I don't always have the capacity to support others in the way that they need. I'm not really interested in friendships that revolve around reliving each other's trauma because I've had so much of it and largely moved on. But, then, I also feel out of kilter with people whose lives haven't been impacted by trauma and it makes me feel mine more strongly and see how much I've been impacted by it and I don't always feel 'worthy' of them. Or know what to say in certain conversations.

My life looks superficially like a lot of other people's. I am educated, have a professional career, two adult children, I have a nice home and I don't struggle financially. But I don't feel I fit in with those people because I grew up in abuse, I've been homeless with a newborn baby and lived in poverty and I've been nc with my only parent for 13 years due to serious child protection concerns that brought both the police and SS into our lives.

Thats a very brief overview that doesn't even begin to explain the trauma. I feel like, in some ways, I've seen life from both side of the tracks but never the twain shall meet.

I think that's why I struggle with close friendships.

Well for me, I know that's been the case with multiple friends over the years and it's fine if they're busy with life, just send messages until there is more space. One group did fade away when I had DS and realised effort was all on their terms, useful to know and I'm not bitter just accept they were not the friends I thought. Life is long, I think it is easiest to see friendship as a marathon and let people go through at their own pace. Months and years flow by, the one without time changes around, and skipping out on a dinner or a walk is just so unimportant In the decades of friendship. I've known many friends for many years through good and bad, if I need them then I know they will be there for me, and vice versa. Having a few circles of friends helps there though, because someone not coming doesn't create any block for me, I just invite another. Could you invite an acquaintance for coffee and see if there is something more there, use the opportunity to widen your circle a bit?

@GreyCarpet that's really tough and completely understandable why you would find it difficult to build close friendships. It must be difficult to know where to start with letting someone get close

@GreyCarpet - I'm so sorry for the hardships you've had. It makes sense why you would hold back, and it's good that you do still allow others into your life. I do think however that it may be unfair to assume that all your acquaintances (circumstantial friends) wouldn't step up in an emergency. They may be better people than you give them credit for, and in my experience most people are willing to help a bit if you ask for genuine cause. They may also still become closer friends over time; we all started out in life knowing nobody, and every friendship starts somewhere.

I wasn't the natural organiser in our group of friends, but I would make the effort to try and organise things until I realised that the organiser was a brilliant organiser, but absolutely rubbish at being organised herself! We would always go to her house as she loved hosting, but whenever I invited people to mine as it was my turn it never happened as she could never make it, so I stopped trying.

She's now moved away but still organises from afar and probably still goes out in her old locale more than I do - and hasn't been over to see my new house even though I moved 2.5 years ago - I've seen her brother's house where she stays when she visits more! The dynamic has all got a bit weird now as she wants to meet up whenever she is around, but the rest of us don't meet up that much as a group any more (or at all - but that is another story!)

@GRex

Some friendships will still run their course and that's fine if you've got others you see. But I'd advise against this all or nothing approach. Placing too much pressure sounds like it breaks friendships, then people end up alone; be gentler on friends and you don't need to end up annoyed or alone.

Absolutely this: people on here are so hardline and dogmatic about how friendships are supposed to run: the obligation for tit for tat organisation, the requirement that people respond to every WhatsApp message within a few minutes, the need to spend hundreds of pounds on hen weekends or expensive nights out. The recommendation to 'block and delete' at the first hint of disagreement or dysfunction. No wonder people feel exhausted from friendship like this, it's like having another full time job.

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and they don't have to meet this absurdly high bar all the time. If you take people as they come it gets a lot easier. You may have to do more of the running as an organiser. Fine. Don't take everything so personally. Someone's failure to respond to a WhatsApp isn't a personal rejection of you.

The vast majority of people you meet won't become '3am friends'. But that's OK. People can bring value and joy to your life without you having to swear lifetime allegiance.

I didnt think I was bitter? I am just saying I am not going to make all the efforr anymore. And if someone is unable to meet me in a year, that's not the kind of friend I want.

And I am expanding my circle. I am in
2 book clubs
1 choir
volunteer
1 movie club 😁 So lots of acquaintances. But takes time to make friends.

GRex

Oh, they are good people.

Being perfectly honest, it's a combination of not wanting others to see my vulnerabilities; not knowing who I can trust; not wanting to lean on someone; not wanting to put upon them and, in none of the cases, would I be the person they called on in an emergency. I wouldn't want them to know just how 'lacking' in 'people' (family or friends) I am!

encroyable

It is. I was part of a close friendship group for a few years. They are all still close, I'm like the lost sheep who fell out of the flock and never quite found my way back.

I was shocked to learn that part of it was because, even though I felt I had opened up to them about some things, they regarded me as keeping them at arms length. They felt that I was keeping a lot of myself secret because I didn't share about parts of my life with them. They felt I didn't trust them and had no interest in letting them get to know me. So they didn't because they couldn't and, when I started to drift, they weren't the people who checked up on me because they didn't think I wanted to he there in the first place.

I hadn't even realised they would have noticed that I didn't join in when they were talking about their families or different life stages and experiences. But it created a barrier between us (that I have since been aware of in other potential friendships). I can't let them in because some of it would put people off and I don't know who I can trust to keep it confidential.

For example, I'm not legally able to tell anyone why I don't see my mother, and why, no, I have no interest in rebuilding a relationship with her. But when someone has opened up about their life, "Oh we just didn't get on. I can't say anymore," doesn't really cut it. It just makes me sound like someone they should stay away from.

Some people exploit your vulnerabilities. Some people see you as a 'victim' and less worthy. And, unfortunately, you don't know who those people are until it's too late. And I know this because I've tried and it's happened. You become one of 'those' people. Either pitied, admired, exploited or just seen as 'different to them' from then on.

But you're not necessarily going to know who is or isn’t impacted by trauma, if they follow, as is obviously their right, your own philosophy on disclosure to others. Your life looks superficially ordinary— theirs may too, surely? Maybe they’re equally uninterested in reliving their trauma and just don’t want to talk about it. I was sexually abused when I was nine/ten, and it’s left me with lifelong issues. Only very close friends know it happened at all, and I never talk about it. Similarly, I’ve known for the past twenty years that one close friend has a serious eating disorder. Other friends only found out when she was hospitalised recently and almost died.

All I’m saying is that you can’t reliably group people into traumatised and non-traumatised categories as a basis for friendship.

I didn't say that I was doing that and, of course, you're right.

But that's how it's affected me. I'm not suggesting it would impact everyone or even anyone else in the same way.

t impacted every part of life until I cut contact when I was 37. I'm 50 now. I've tried so hard over the past 13 years to change it, to change how I see myself, to change how I engage with others but I haven't been able to do it successfully.

It affected how I see myself and those are my experiences. I'm not commenting on others.

I think it's mostly that it's affected how I see my worth as a person. I don't really see myself as being worthy of other people or their time and investment.

I think it is odd for someone not to have any close friends. Being able to form meaningful bonds with other people is normal and healthy. People shouldn't have to search exhaustively or put in "work" it should be natural. If it isn't, there is often a personality issue. I have always found that people with no long term friends are strange personalities or very shallow themselves so they don't want those relationships unless they are self serving.

I wouldn't say strange personalities but maybe people who are more introverted.
I expect I am slightly autistic and I don't seek close friendships. I have friends, but we're not particularly close.
I am very close with my husband, my children and my parents and that's good enough for me.

@GreyCarpet that's incredibly difficult because I can see both sides. Without them knowing the full story, they most likely felt you were keeping them at arms length as you say so maybe felt you didn't want them to get close which puts up a barrier but understandably you can't tell them everything. I think these things are more difficult in a way in adulthood. I had a friend in younger years who never spoke about her dad at all, it was a complete no go and we never really questioned it but I imagine now as an adult it would be questioned. Generally I'd like to think people are well meaning when they ask questions but that doesn't help you here. I wonder how you could navigate that. Could something straight forward like it's not something I talk about suffice? You absolutely are worthy of proper friendships and you shouldn't have to divulge everything to be able to find them

^This!!

One of the nice things about 2020 was the summer part where people could meet up but things were still closed. It all became much more low-key and sort of more real as a result. Actually really connecting with people, talking, sharing - socialising was about human contact, not "having an experience/doing a thing" together. A picnic in the park. A walk and talk. Popping in for a coffee and natter. The things we did also became more outdoorsy and less expensive too.

(I say this as someone who was living alone so parts of 2020 were hellish.)

Having friends should be about living your lives alongside each other, sharing. Great when that involves visiting somewhere interesting or doing some shared activities, but it doesn't need to be only big events or trips, and IME is the poorer for it if it is.

@GreyCarpet - I can understand your pride in not wanting to let people know you didn't have anyone else. Sometimes all of us need unexpected help though, it is not only you. Example? I had to be walked home from hospital after a procedure but DS got a tummy bug so DH couldn't come, ILs were away, most at work, so my neighbour picked me up - still just an acquaintance. A pregnancy yoga friend had her DH away when she was suddenly hospitalised; so I took her clothes, charger, book and snacks - she's a closer friend now, we really bonded. My neighbour unexpectedly helped her DC friend from school's mum in early labour, they became best mates as a result. We do all have others, but emergencies you can call on anyone, it really does happen; they may or may not become closer as a result. I hope you know that you don't need to explain your background usually (those friends were weird), and it's always OK to say you don't have anyone else available.

Same lentilweaver. Got tired chasing friends. Think people cant be assed making plans now its crap. I did text one friend could meet her today or next sat. Knew her through kids sports. No reply. Think resentment kicks in when its one sided efforts

@Middlechild3 very relatable. When I had groups in my 30s, I even had a couple of cheeky people ask me to organise things that they wanted to organise - and they weren't frightened of rejection. They knew full well that people would turn up. They just didn't want to organise the logistics of everyone going together and sorting payments. One of them actually said to me, "I can't face coordinating everyone going to South London together". I did point out that it wasn't a trip to the moon 😂

@Lentilweaver I agree that being scared of rejection is a strange excuse. But these days everyone seems to be terrified of everything. I don't really know how to handle the overriding mentalities of 2025.

I'm like you, I'm slowly joining things but it will take time. I am limiting the things because I'm very aware that you can put in lots of effort and get nothing back and I don't want to go through that again. Also, I find the meeting people exercise quite depressing. I imagine it's a bit like dating in that way. I don't know - I've never dated in that way!

I don't feel particularly optimistic though. I think people just aren't interested in friendship and community anymore. It might make a comeback, I guess.

I wonder if sometimes when people say that they are afraid of rejection they actually mean they keep getting turned down and are starting to feel resentment. I mean resentment isn't a nice emotion and fear of rejection sounds better.

It's really hard when the resentment kicks in and I think you have to take a break when that happens and see if it wears off.

@WhatNoRaisins that's an interesting theory. I'll be interested to see if anyone comes back to address that.

The people who posted it here sound as if they have never done any asking or organising. It is a very important difference.

Not in my experience.

I've always had close friends (once I left school!)

They've changed over time depending on life stage but my two close friends now will be my friends forever and they've been in my life 35 years now (I'm 70+)