to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

I think it’s normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Lack of a social network can lead to social isolation, loneliness and poor mental health (all commonplace, unfortunately) try reconnecting with a few of your old pals?

It wouldn’t be normal for me. I have about 12 very close girlfriends and they’re really important to me.

Some are from secondary school, a couple from uni and some are from NCT/primary days. I can’t imagine life without close friends.

I've no close friends. Wish it was different but all of my school friends moved away straight after college. Then I had a disabled child at 22yrs old. Very isolating. I'm now in my 40s and a single mam and don't have much time to meet people as have no babysitters. But i do have some close acquaintances. Meet up maybe once every 6 months. I'm also very close with my mam and sister.

I dont know about Normal, but I do think it's very common. I've seen so many posts on MN about people who have no friends. I'm also a part of a few Facebook groups and regularly see woman posting about having no friends and feeling bad about it. It's hard to make friends as an adult.

I've come to realise most of my friends are contextual - like mum friends, work friends, friends connected with sports or activities I do.

I don't think I have any people I'm friends with purely because I value their company, and I'm not sure how many of my existing friendships would survive if stripped of their context (e.g. if I quit the sport, I'd probably not see those sport friends).

@HamSpray

These are women who stepped gladly off the social roundabout after they married/started a committed relationship, and are now confronted with new child-focused social situations in which other adults are demonstrably making and maintaining friendships, and they feel they’re supposed to, too, but their social muscle is under-exercised.

Yes. It's a really big social problem. I wonder if there's something about the way these women are being raised which creates this expectation: ie their mothers didn't have many friends so they regard it as normal? Despite 50-60 years of feminism and the celebration of female friendship in the media and culture friendship still seems to be regarded as a weird modern indulgence by a lot of people.

My mother didn't have many friends because she became subsumed into her marriage to the exclusion of almost everything else and it didn't go well for her at all: she spent her late middle age and old age increasingly isolated and depressed. It may me absolutely hell bent on avoiding this.

I have a couple of solid friends but out of all the people I know nobody really has a friendship group except the odd one.

Growing up my mum didn’t really believe that friends were necessary so we weren’t allowed anyone come over and we weren’t allowed to go out with them even as teens. She’s massively damaged the way I make friends I feel. My own daughter is so social and has tons and tons of friends as I’ve always made it a priority.

My mum is an 80-yr-old Indian immigrant.You can imagine that in a conservative culture, she was pressured to put her husband and children first. Which she did. But she also kept up her interest in gardening and music, and tried her best to keep up friendships and make new ones. As it turned out, she was widowed at only 63. She now has a huge circle of friends of all ages. She is a happy and cheery person, which makes her popular with everyone, including my DD who is very close to her. The other Indian widows she knows are bitter, lonely and just waiting to die.

She's absolutely my role model.

@LunaLove1

Growing up my mum didn’t really believe that friends were necessary so we weren’t allowed anyone come over and we weren’t allowed to go out with them even as teens. She’s massively damaged the way I make friends I feel. My own daughter is so social and has tons and tons of friends as I’ve always made it a priority.

Good for you for realising and reframing it.

I feel like a lot of people grow up in this environment. The older I get the more people I encounter like this and its genuinely shocking. I honestly think raising kids like this is borderline abusive. You're limiting your children so much raising them to think friends aren't necessary.

If you don't have any friends, you don't know how to be a friend.

Thing is, I had (still have!) that mother, too. She was born in 1946 into a very poor rural family where socialising consisted of going to dances to meet a potential husband. Your female friends were just there to talk to when you weren’t dancing. She met my father just before her 20th birthday, married him when she was 21, and promptly dropped out of any other life. She modelled a deeply unhealthy set of scripts about friendships to me and my siblings, but we had the gumption to recognise this and evolve our own. (Mum is totally baffled by her daughters in particular having ongoing social lives outside our relationships, going on holiday alone or with friends etc..)

So I do get the ‘bad parental model’ thing, but there’s only so much you can blame on your parents once you’re well into adulthood…

She is still like this now.
She never understands why we even want to go out anywhere even though we are in our 20s and 30s etc, she tries to tell my sibling they can’t have a life now they have little ones because ‘she never left her kids for a night out’. When she hears my daughter is having a sleepover it’s always ‘I wouldn’t be having people in my house!’

Its draining to listen to.

My mother in law died recently (may she rest in peace ❤️). She had tons of couple friends- the funeral was packed. But very very few solo friends - I think 2, both living overseas so not there.

I'm terrible at couple friendships - have never really understood why I'm supposed to get on automatically with the partners of my partners' friends (I don't mean just general pleasant relations with them, but actual friendship). But couple social life was very normal in my parents/inlaws generation. Perhaps less now due to more divorce?

@Anothernameschange It's interesting that the 10 year thing resonated with you too, and the lady who said it to me is not the only person who has said it.

Unfortunately, I found myself feeling very upset again about all this last night. So I really need to not be on MN and not talk about this stuff probably. This is my only post for the day. I know this place doesn't do me any good.

It took me a long time to understand that loss of friendships wasn't my fault and when I did start to understand that, it was because I was coming across a lot of other people talking about the cultural shift away from friendships and social skills. For example, it is now common for recruiters to find it hard to recruit people who are fine talking on the phone, or networking.

There has been a cultural shift away from community. As well as technology, lockdowns etc there is definitely a problem with what I call "therapy culture" (books written on this) and people thinking that endless analysis and overthinking tiny interactions, bits of text speak, is a good thing!

Also, people like me who were historically community helpers, feel a lot less inclined now. The whole situation is incredibly depressing. I've had an introvert and rather isolated colleague tell me that she is concerned about the fetishisation of introversion and isolation! That was an eye opener! To be honest it wasn't something I had particularly noticed. But she is actually concerned about it, which really surprised me.

I've noticed a lot of people saying "I can't find any friends who are 100% politically aligned with my beliefs" and "I can't be bothered with anyone outside my little family."

My circle small. Met few nice girls through job. My friend has no kids or friends. So thats not ideal either just her husb but dont think she craves company. Friendships def take so much efforts Im 51

Yeah it’s normal. My mom has no friends (close or otherwise.)

Also I find for loads (the majority?) of people - friends are placeholders for committed romantic partnership.

Once they have a partner and kids they no longer have any use for friends. Most of the people I know who work at maintaining their friendships are single and / or childless.

My friends are like my family. They are important to me and I to them. I don't have a lot of close friends, but those I do have I've had for decades. We get each other through bad times and share the good.

Once they have a partner and kids they no longer have any use for friends. Most of the people I know who work at maintaining their friendships are single and / or childless.

I hear this a lot. Of course my married friends focus on their wife/husband and children if they have them. But we also prioritise each other. Friends are important. Marriages break down sometimes, unfortunately.

I much much prefer having friends over having a romantic partner. Not that I actually have to choose, but that's how much I value friendship.

It only matters if you personally feel there is something missing for you. I'm not fully sure from your OP whether you do or don't. So do you need more?

Personally I don't. I have a lot of friends, male and female. All of them I see at least once each year, lots of them a few times per year, some of them more often (mostly just mum friends and work colleagues because of proximity). My closest friend since age 10 I might see twice in a month, then not for 6 months, it's fine because life is busy, I will step up immediately if she needs me and vice versa, but I don't need to know what she ate for dinner each night to do that. I could talk to any of them, but it's my nature not to rely on any friend individually and they are a few different groups; I don't need any 1-3 people to be everything for me and the idea of someone I'm supposed to phone every week makes me feel claustrophobic to the point that I've deliberately stepped back from people who need that. But then I have DH, siblings, SILs, BILs, mum, aunts, cousins... and all of them will want to see and talk to me whether I keep in touch well or poorly from month to month! Are your friends perhaps like me OP, where they do care, but perhaps just have less time to put in? Or is there a gap for you?

Yes, I strongly agree with this. I have been burnt thinking I could trust someone. I thought more of her than she thought of me. I don't fall for it anymore and keep myself to myself.

@Muffinbakery my comment was a reply to yours.

Friends with sisters tend to want to just hang out with them as they get older I've found.

This gives me the fear. What happens if (god forbid) he dies, or runs away with the milk woman or something? You wouldn't have him to get you through it?

Well, that’s certainly my mother’s POV, and, from what she says, @Thepeopleversuswork ’s mother too. And watching the longterm negative and limiting effects of that on my mother has certainly also made me determined to maintain friendships. Though it genuinely never occurred to me that my friendships, like my job, were going to become in any way optional once I married and had a child. I think that’s an incredibly old-fashioned attitude, associated with deeply reactionary ideas about women — I don’t think I’ve ever come across it in my generation among anyone I know.

Had friends when I was younger but grew apart over time. We moved different places, most had kids etc. I mean we’re still in contact but I don’t think I could class them as close friends these days ☹️