to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

But why not make more? I’ve moved around a lot, too. Making friends in a new place is as important to me as unpacking.

The same as if your friends moved away, stopped being available, fell out with you etc. You’d make new friends.

You make it sound so easy 😂

Once you get past a certain age people aren’t really looking for new friends as most people already have them.

It depends what you mean by friend though I guess. Work friends yes, work friends I see outside of work yes, potential lifelong friends who you feel you can call on/seek support from? Well not necessarily.

Again, not in my experience. I’ve moved around a lot, the last time internationally, aged 49, a couple of months before the first lockdown, and I still made new friends here.

I mean, I’m sure there are people who don’t want new friends in middle age, just as there are also people who think friends are something you grow out of when you marry and have children, but I’m unlikely to come across them because they’re not available, they’re absorbed in their existing circles or their families.

I totally agree with this. Just to add, if you only rely on your DH, eventually one of you dies.

I am older and have many friends. Since I was 50, I have been increasing my number of friends. I really focused over the last decade on doing so.

If only it was that easy.

I moved one year ago and I haven’t made a single friend. I speak to my next door neighbour occasionally and they are lovely but I couldn’t tell you who lived in any of the other houses. We all moved onto the new estate at the same time but they all keep themselves to themselves.

There’s also nothing going on in my local area for 30 year olds.

I have lived in many places, including internationally. I find London great for making acquaintances- tons of hobby groups- but not so great for making friends.
However, I will keep trying. I have made about 2 new ones in the last 4 years.

Well, I hear you on the potential for a mismatch between person and place — but it’s only happened to me once, in a lot of moves (it was an enforced move where circumstances meant we didn’t get to research enough). Even there, though, I made new friends at work in the nearest city, they just weren’t where I lived. It did contribute to us deciding to move on, though.

If you’re committed to staying where you are, can you travel to another nearby area for activities/classes/sports/volunteering that interest you? Or set up something more locally? Book group? Neighbourhood Street Feast? This is an Irish site, but I assume there’s a UK equivalent called something else.

https://streetfeast.ie

A friend of mine did a tiny one for her terrace when she’d fairly newly moved in, got on good terms with her neighbours and made lasting friends with the couple in one house. Another friend just started a Park Run in her new town.

I had close friends before but we drifted apart due to moves etc and I'm too knackered to try make new ones.

Well good for you I guess.

😆This reminds me of the Friends episode with Monica and Chandler when they make friends with a couple on their honeymoon.

The Lockdowns are genuinely to blame for my own situation.

My friends from work formed a big part of friend pool. Everyone works remotely now so we rarely see each other anymore. Some moved further away as remote working allowed them to buy homes in less expensive areas. So meet ups are difficult to arrange as they now entail 40+ minute drives. Taxi journeys home are now too expensive to justify if trying to plan a night out.

I SO miss the days in the office with the coffee and lunch dates and heading straight to the pub after work on a Friday.

I really took all of that for granted in my 20's and 30's but I am so glad I those times/years!

Lockdowns were dreadful for this.

While it was five years ago I feel like my life never quite kicked back into action but it’s the same for most people I know. None of us really do alot.

Takes big effort now. Met few through daughter's sport for coffee. I def find people want sit in now make little effort. You could see nobody. Whatsapp walking nobody replies. I gave up. Do alot on my own less stress

It might be 'ok' for you and that's fine but I don't think it's normal and it's not particularly healthy. We are social beings and social isolation is a real issue when kids grow and leave home. Life would be significantly worse without my various groups of friends so it's hard for me to imagine this position, I suppose. Friendship should be fun, easy, and without major expectation.

A lot of people seem to put far too much pressure on their friendships so it's not so surprising that they end up without them (not suggesting this is your situation, but it's something I see on here often).

Just seen that @Thepeopleversuswork has already written out my thoughts perfectly.

I'm not one of those people that can just make new friends whenever I want. I've read all the advice but sometimes the right people and the right circumstances aren't there.

Honestly I do worry a lot about my friends moving on from me or deciding that they are too busy. I don't see where I'd make more.

I would say that I have 2 close friends but I'm so antisocial so I have to force myself to call them. I love them but I'm just too confortable with my own company.

If you genuinely prefer it and are truly happy with not many friends then that's fine.
Personally, I place a lot of value on my female friendships, they are incredibly important to me and I do a lot to nuture them. I love my husband and family but equally find a lot of joy and fulfilment from spending quality time with my friends as well.

I certainly meet new people I click with, as in I enjoy their company and can talk about all sorts of things with them. But no one ever suggests meeting up outside the context of children’s activities, hobby group, work or wherever I know them from. So I think I’d have to be quite pushy and determined to get from that stage of ‘context-specific friend’ to another friend I’d meet up with just for a drink or lunch or whatever. And I’d expect quite a lot of rejection from those who are too busy to socialise / have enough friends to meet their socialising needs. I suppose you could say that’s me avoiding making new close friends as I’m not putting enough effort in…

I'd say I have around 4 friends that I see not very regularly (apart from 1 at work) and text every couple of weeks and I'm fine with that. I have a family, job and a house to run and a parent who's health isn't the best. By the time the weekend comes I'm shattered and just want to spend the weekend relaxing rather than planning to meet friends for drinks and nights out. I could do it all in my 20s but now I'm pushing 40, I couldn't think of anything worse than having a large group of friends to please!

Yes harder when we older. I have a nice school mam friend but her wends are booked solid.. people slow to set dates too. Can see why people have no friends. Im meeting one this wend so thats nice.

I also think the trend of 'you do you' has hugely contributed to a lack of friendships. Friendships take a lot of work to maintain but like anything in life, you get out what you put in. You only have to see the threads on here where people think it's perfectly acceptable to let friends down last minute if they don't really fancy doing something to see how friendships break down and then people complain they're lonely or don't get invited to things any more. You have to put yourself out sometimes for friendships to last but people don't seem willing to do that anymore and as soon as something doesn't really suit them or puts them out, they're done. I'd be absolutely lost without my friendships. It's something in life that I'm actually really proud of but I've always been there for my friends and put myself out and mostly, it's been reciprocated. Some friends have asked me how can you be bothered to keep up with these people (nct friends for example) but then they'll complain they're lonely. It's never too late to make new friends- join a book club, a local social group whatever floats your boat but if you want to, friendships are there to be made